Evaporated
by rlturner79
Summary: Their relationship didn’t work the first time. Making it work now may prove to be just as impossible. Danny & Martin slash. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I'll try to be brief. I started this story over a year ago, writing feverishly through over half of it until the idea on how to continue slipped through my fingers. With much regret, I stuck it in my infamous (in my mind) "unfinished stories" folder & went onto write other pieces. But in the back of my mind I was always determined to finish it. Only recently, as in the past few months, have I been able to do more than just reread what I had already written. New ideas started coming & I found myself able to write for it again & finally finish it. As I'm giving it yet another read through to make some edits, I'm struck by sections that make me very proud, while others I feel could have been better. But you're always your own worst critic, right?

So anyway, enjoy, comment, critique...I'm just happy to be able to finally start posting this story!**

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**Chapter 1**

"Guess who's getting married?"

Danny looked up from the pile of reports he was going through, eyebrow raised in curiosity, though he wasn't sure he cared all that much. Sam had a way of making even interesting things sound mundane. Already he could hear the slight sneer in her voice and he had to wonder if she was talking about a coworker they both knew and disliked or if she'd been reading a tabloid about the latest celebrity couple.

"You?" he said, smirking.

She rolled her eyes in return, offering him a look that said, "we both know that's never going to happen" and shook her head. Instead of answering right away she pulled her chair over to the conference table and sat next to him. He frowned; smirk faltering a bit as he met her eyes. The sneer was gone now and instead her expression was gentle, almost sad. But as usual, it was hard to tell with Sam, and even though Danny knew her better than most, he still had his moments of doubt. She was nothing if not good at keeping things hidden. But the compassion – or was it pity? – persisted and now he found himself genuinely curious.

"What's with all the suspense? Who is it?" He leaned forward a bit, mimicking her posture – like they were having a secret conversation. He had to wonder when it was exactly that they'd become so close. At best it was confusing, at worst horribly annoying…he'd never purposefully sought out her friendship. If that's what it was anyway.

She looked away for a moment, something rare, and Danny was just about ready to threaten her with violence when she blurted it out. "Martin."

And that had been the _last_ name he'd expected to hear. For a moment he thought seriously about ignoring her – knew she wouldn't like it if he did – before he laughed. He forced all the clues out of his mind and laughed at her, leaned back in his chair, hands pressed together at the fingertips. It was a wall, built quickly and easily and his eyes sparkled dangerously as he shook his head. "Nice," he commented as he crossed his legs.

She sighed – not a good sign – and stayed where she was. It was another blow to Danny's ego to realize that she wasn't buying his reaction. Again, that strange sort of friendship they'd developed was back into play. How on earth had she come to know him so well? And vice versa for that matter. He really hated it sometimes, this definitely being one of them.

"I'm serious Danny," she replied. He noticed how careful she was to keep the pity out of her voice. "Viv told me earlier this morning," she went on. Danny started to wonder why she was still talking. "She saw it in the society pages."

Danny laughed again and now he knew it was a joke. _It had to be._ "Does Viv always read the society pages?" he asked, smirking again.

Again, she sighed and Danny rolled his eyes, wondering why she was still putting on this performance. "She's bored Danny. She hates being stuck at home, recovering and trapped on the couch all day so she reads the paper from front to back. Says it's distracting."

He opened his mouth to reply but couldn't find a snappy comeback now. For a few brief moments he'd actually _forgotten_ that Viv wasn't here right now. She hadn't just been skimming the newspaper in the break room, or going over it on the subway, she was at home. Recovering. From heart surgery. So now on top of everything else he felt like an asshole.

Swallowing he made a point of looking away from her and started to push away from the table, back to the safety of his desk. But when she followed him, he turned, irritated now, and met her concerned gaze with anger in his own. "What is it you want Sam?" His voice was harsh and low – didn't want to cause a scene – and he was glad when she winced.

"Just…are you okay?" she asked, voice a little shaky. She pressed her lips together and for one brief horrifying moment Danny thought she was going to reach out and touch him. He recoiled at the thought and laughed. Strange how the sound held no trace of happiness.

"What were you expecting? Were you hoping I'd cry? It's been two years Sam. I can't even tell you the last time I thought about him." His voice was sarcastic, defensive now. And his words were lies. He laughed bitterly again. "What? Did you think I've been pining away over Martin Fitzgerald all this time?"

_Yes._

She didn't buy it; he saw that right away. And he decided that if she didn't leave him alone in three seconds she was going to die with his hands around her throat.

_One._

She held up her hands, palms facing him and shook her head softly. "Fine, I just thought you'd like to know."

_Two._

Again her eyes were soft, pitying…or was it concern? She held his gaze, her own lingering for a few more moments, searching for everything that he was sure she already knew. She reached out and squeezed his shoulder, making him tense and he was sure he'd snap at any second now. Hands around her throat, about fifteen people pointing guns at his head if he didn't stop….

_Three._

She walked away, heels clicking on the floor as she went back to her desk, smiling at a coworker – one of those ones they both secretly hated – who walked past. And suddenly Danny wished she were back at his side.

It was Thursday night. Thursday night, almost 10 o'clock and he was at home. Sitting in front of the TV, long legs stretched out before him, head back against the soft leather of the couch, bottle of cold root beer in hand. Thursday night at home, drinking root beer – wishing on some level that it were beer – and watching baseball.

He thought of where he could be. Where he usually was every Thursday night, or Friday night if someone was enough of a jerk to go missing late in the day on Thursday so that he didn't get to leave work when he wanted to. He'd be at Pearl's or Goddess or even Sanctuary if they were in the mood. Yes, _they_. He and Sam. Every Thursday like clockwork, they'd leave work, go home and change, take separate cabs to the decided upon location and they'd spend the next few hours together and in the company of strangers. Sam getting hit on by every guy whose eye had ever been turned by a blonde. Danny getting hit on by every woman who'd ever heard the phrase tall, dark and handsome. And sometimes it was the reverse.

But it was their _thing_.

Go to Pearl's…a dive of a bar if ever there was one. They'd laugh about it and wonder what half of the establishment's patrons would think – or do – if they knew the two of them were federal agents. Sam would order beer first and then diet coke. Danny would stick with root beer and order French fries. They'd gossip about coworkers – never work itself – and tease each other.

Go to Goddess…one room a bar that _thought_ it was a high-class nightclub; the other a room that _knew_ it was a cheap topless bar. Again, there was always laughter. Two FBI agents at a sleazy, dreamless place. Sam would order a rum and coke; Danny just coke and they'd get all their change in one-dollar bills. Had to so that when they eventually migrated to the topless bar room they'd have plenty of money for the strippers. Sam always giggled, blushing from her cheeks to her temples and Danny would inevitably end up doubled over in laughter watching her watch the strippers.

Go to Sanctuary, but only occasionally…a more premiere nightclub, classier, yet sleazy in its own way. They'd lost count of all the illegal activity they could have been busting people for. But when they went out they weren't working…that was a very big part of the point. It was the only place where Sam would get drunk. Drinking cosmos – a decidedly _girly_ drink for her – like they were water, and Danny always stuck with just that: water. They went there when things were at their worst. When cases had ended badly, _horribly_. When they knew if they went home there'd only be nightmares and the desperate desire to scream. Often, they'd lose each other in the crowd. Sam perched on a barstool drinking her cosmos and ignoring the men that hit on her. Danny would wander around, glass of water in hand, eyes scanning the crowd for someone to dance with. There was always someone. The redhead with all the curves and green eyes like a witch. The blue-eyed blonde with pink lips who pressed herself close and nibbled on his earlobe. But more often than not there was a guy. Someone nameless and quiet, not quite ready to dance but drawn to Danny nonetheless.

Sam always ended up backwards on her bar stool, facing the dance floor, scanning it for Danny. He always kept her placement in mind and watched for her gaze, smirking at her over the girls' shoulders. She'd giggle to herself and roll her eyes at him before turning around for another drink. Perhaps by then she'd be tipsy enough to at least _talk_ to the men that hit on her. But it all changed when he was dancing with a man. She'd stay quiet, her gaze glassy and never quite meeting his own, but she'd _watch_ him. She'd watch for as long as he'd let her, before the lust in her eyes forced him to turn away and inevitably leave his dance partner at the next song.

He knew it wasn't about him. She wasn't lusting over _him_ – something he was grateful for. And she never talked about it, but he knew what she did. Filed the image away for later, something to get off to when the shades were drawn, the lights turned off and the wineglass was empty. He'd asked her about it once, and she'd been drunk enough to answer. She'd told him not to flatter himself, that she'd sooner sleep with the bartender at Pearl's – not by any means an attractive guy – than sleep with Danny. But, she went on in a slurred voice, she wasn't denying that Danny was sexy as hell and that the image of him dancing with other men was something she liked watching. Loved it.

Some nights he'd find a particularly attractive dance partner…someone he'd want to take home and somehow Sam always knew. Danny would kiss her on the cheek and put her into a cab and smirk over her lust-filled gaze. Then he'd take his nameless guy home and fuck him until his mind was blissfully blank. Most of the time though, he'd end up bringing Sam home with him, helping her out of her clothes and into one of his old t-shirts, tucking her into his bed and then falling asleep on the couch. And that was why half of his hall closet was filled with her clothes, because it was easier on both of them if she could just change at his place before they went into work.

Scowling, he drank down the rest of the root beer and turned off the television, plunging the room into darkness. Slowly the lights from outside started to creep in and his eyes adjusted to the dark. He'd avoided Sam all afternoon at work, not even acknowledging her most of the time. He'd ducked out quickly before she'd had a chance to ask which place he wanted to go to tonight. She'd called once; left him a message asking him to call and that had been it. She knew not to push, but he'd felt guilty because he could hear the very slight tone of hurt that her voice had held.

So now he was alone, sitting in the dark and wondering why he'd thought this would be a better idea. He just didn't think he could take her concern or pity all night. Oh if he gave her a certain look or said a certain thing he knew she'd leave it alone. In fact she was so good at leaving things alone that she'd probably never ask him about it again – even when he'd want her to. But he just didn't feel like pretending.

Martin was getting married.

Caroline Vandergrift. That was her name. Danny had bought a paper on his lunch break, unable to resist reading the words for himself. Even now he had to smirk, eyes narrowing.

_Caroline Vandergrift, daughter of Edward and Elizabeth to wed Dr. Martin Fitzgerald…_

A match made in WASP heaven if he'd ever heard one. His smirk turned into a scowl and he stopped himself just before he threw the empty root beer bottle at the wall. No need to send shards of glass flying across his apartment over Martin fucking Fitzgerald.

Two years had passed and Martin still wouldn't leave him alone. Two years ago, Danny had been left with a broken heart and wondering what he'd been doing for the previous eight months.

Two years and the news that Martin was engaged hurt like hell.

"_What do you mean leaving?" Danny asked, sure he hadn't heard right. He couldn't have._

"_I got a job at Saint Margaret's hospital in Boston," Martin replied as he pulled on his shirt. He glanced around the room a few times and Danny watched him carefully, a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was early and Martin had to be at work in less than an hour. They'd gone out for dinner the night before…one of those few times that Martin had actually agreed to a _real_ date. It had been ideally romantic, candlelight and all; and afterwards they'd taken a cab back to Danny's apartment and had sex…twice. It had been a special occasion – although Danny had failed to mention that, knowing Martin would scoff at the idea. But it had been eight months since they'd met…an anniversary of sorts. And Danny found it special because he'd never had a relationship last longer than two._

"_And when were you planning on telling me this? Once you got to Boston?" Danny asked, eyes darkening. He got out of bed and pulled on some track pants and a t-shirt, following Martin – in his apparent rush to leave – out into the living room._

"_I'm telling you now," Martin replied. He went into the kitchen to make coffee and Danny followed at close range, swallowing hard over the sick feeling in his stomach._

_Martin turned to face him, a sad sort of smile on his face. He took a few steps closer and Danny, who moments ago had wanted to hold onto Martin and never let go, stepped away. He held up his hands in defense and shook his head. "Don't…"_

"_What?" Martin asked, confusion in his eyes now. He stepped closer again, reaching out and brushing his fingers over Danny's cheek. An action to which Danny replied by swatting Martin's hand away. He took a few deep breaths, forcing the panic down. He didn't want pity._

"_So what have we been doing for the past eight months?" Danny asked, his voice low and even. Dangerous. His eyes flashed with an anger Martin hadn't been expecting. Or at least hadn't wanted to deal with, Danny thought to himself. Martin shook his head again and Danny swore to himself that if the other man smiled that soft, pitying smile one more time that he'd punch him._

"_Danny I really want this job," he said softly, eyes gently pleading for understanding._

_And at that moment, and that moment only, standing there in his kitchen, he _hated_ Martin. It had all been a game and now he was taking the easy way out, blaming things on a career move. Danny had to call him on it. "That's not what I asked."_

_Martin paused, looking nervous. Danny knew how much he hated confrontation. "I'm sorry Danny," he said softly, his eyes flashing with a moment of genuine sadness. "I don't want to hurt you. I…I care for you." His voice was softer now, something different in his expression. "But I…I can't…can't stay," he fumbled over the words. The change in his manner was so surprising and so quick that Danny thought he was only imagining it…that he was willing it to be there._

"_Can't or won't?" Danny asked, voice taking on a cruel tone. If Martin was going to leave him – leave him and break his heart – then he wasn't going to play fair. "Maybe your father found out about us and now you're being banished to Boston?"_

"_My father doesn't control my life," Martin answered, angry suddenly. And that was good, it was what Danny wanted because he couldn't handle Martin being in control and just walking away._

"_And yet as I recall your father is Chief of Medicine at Presbyterian Hospital here, and he's probably an old college buddy of the Chief of Medicine at Saint Margaret's Hospital in Boston…so you see where this is going, don't you Fitzie?" he asked, hating the sarcasm that dripped from his voice. And he called _Martin_ a coward? "Dad finds out you're fucking a guy, he decides to get you sent somewhere else, all the while making it sound like a prestigious career move. And being that you're too damn scared to stand up to your father, or stand on your own I might add, you agree. Was that about right?"_

"_Fuck you Danny!" Martin yelled, and from the blush on his cheeks Danny knew he'd gotten it right._

_He smirked and leaned back against the wall as Martin stormed past. "Ah but we did that last night," he replied. He could only watch as Martin picked up his bag and his jacket. He wanted to stop him, apologize for the harshness of his words and try to work things out. But what could he say? There was nothing to work out because Martin was leaving. Leaving with or without Danny's apology._

"_It was never supposed to be serious," Martin said, his eyes flashing with something Danny would swear was sadness. But he was trying so hard to hold onto his anger. He stepped past Danny and turned around once more at the door._

"_Well thanks for letting me know," Danny replied softly. He let the hurt leak out, let it color his voice and his eyes. He didn't have enough energy to keep up the pretense of anger anymore._

_Martin seemed to falter as he looked at Danny. His eyes clouded over, seeing something Danny couldn't. "I'm sorry," he whispered, looking up again, meeting Danny's gaze and taking his breath away._

_Danny took a few steps closer. He wanted to reach for him but he didn't seem to know how. Never mind the way his heart was screaming at him to grab Martin quickly, to _make_ him stay. But Martin was already leaving, turning away and opening the door, a soft and broken goodbye on his lips. Danny reached out too late, coming up with air and he couldn't seem to find his voice to call after him. He heard the small hitch of Martin's breath as he left, felt like the world had suddenly come to a stand still, and then the door clicked shut behind him._

_Danny sank down to the floor in the hallway, back against the wall, hand braced against the door. Everything was so quiet and later he'd swear he'd heard Martin crying outside his door. But he'd never know for sure because as he dropped his face into his hands he realized his own face was already covered with tears._

He sat up abruptly and ran his hands through his hair, leaning forward on the couch. It was hard to believe that his mind had been cruel enough to replay that awful day in his head now of all times. He wasn't thinking as he reached for his phone and dialed a number he knew by heart.

She answered on the seventh ring, her voice sleep-filled and annoyed. "Danny?"

"Yeah Sam…um, sorry I woke you," he answered. He squinted and looked across the room to the clock on the wall. 12:48am. Maybe he should have checked it before he'd dialed the number.

"Sure you are. What do you want?" she asked, yawning between words, but Danny knew she was up.

"I'm sorry," he said awkwardly.

She sighed and he knew everything was okay, that his earlier ignorance of her was forgiven. "Have you been thinking about him?" she asked, her voice taking on a tender quality.

Not for the first time he marveled at how well she knew him. Funny how before he'd broken up with Martin they'd never once spoken to each other about anything besides work. "Yes," he replied, voice dropping to a pained whisper. "And I hate it."

She yawned again, and Danny could picture her trying to shake off the sleep, hair a little mussed, lips still full and pink because it was as if she'd been born wearing some sort of permanent lipstick. "I'm coming over," she said without pretense, and Danny knew that the following rustling he heard was her pulling on some sort of cotton pajama bottoms, tennis shoes and a sweatshirt.

He didn't even try to protest. He wanted her here and he didn't have the energy to even make a show of things. "Thanks Sam," he whispered.

They hung up and it was only twenty minutes later that she sat with him on the couch, listening to him tell the story she already knew by heart. Danny was grateful for the way she listened, for how good she was at doing it. And when she hugged him he knew it wasn't pity in her voice, her eyes or anything else and it never had been. It was concern. Concern and a mutual sadness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I need you to come with me Sam," he said, tossing the invitation on her desk and peering down at her with a strange look in his eyes.

She glanced at the cream-colored paper and looked up at him sharply, her eyes wary. "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

Danny rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to let his exasperation show. Of _course_ he knew it wasn't a good idea. That didn't mean he wasn't going to do it.

He leaned against her desk, half sitting on whatever paperwork she had there – something he knew she hated – and took a deep breath. When he met her eyes he let his expression stay open and honest, let her see what she'd already witnessed a few nights before…his pain. "I need to see him Sam."

She shook her head and stood up so that he didn't hold the advantage of towering over her. "But you know this is a bad idea."

He rolled his eyes again and stood up straight. "Of course I do but--"

"But you don't care, I get that," she interrupted, a strange sort of anger flashing in her eyes. "You don't just want to _see_ him, do you?" she asked after a few moments, her voice soft and willowy. It was a tone Danny hated. One that always made him reconsider his actions. Whether they were chasing a lead and she thought he was taking the wrong course of action or if it was something more personal, like his sudden insistence to see Martin again…she always had a reason and it was always emphasized by _that_ voice. But before he could begin listing his reasons or give her some sort of explanation she was sighing and nodding her head. "Okay, I'll go with you."

He frowned, grabbing her lightly by the shoulder when she went to turn away. "Just like that?" he asked, wondering why he was arguing.

She raised her eyebrow curiously and did her best to imitate the same sort of smirk that only he could pull off. "Isn't that what you wanted?" When he didn't answer she sighed again, irritated now, that much he could tell. "Look Danny, no matter what I say I know you're going to do this. Whether I go with you or not, I know you'll be there. So I might as well go and…" she paused, smiling a bit now even though she was still clearly annoyed with him. "Keep you out of trouble."

He said nothing for a few moments, resigning himself to the fact that she was friend enough to be there for him even when she thought he was making a huge mistake. And that left him strangely shaky and ridiculously grateful. He swore to himself that were they not at work he would've hugged her. The thought had him smiling because he knew how much she would hate it…hell, she'd probably hit him. "Thanks Sam," he said softly, turning away and walking back to his desk, smiling all the way.

"You forgot this," she said as she walked past, dropping the invitation on his desk and continuing on her way to Jack's office. He looked down at the expensive paper and sighed, reaching out to run his fingers over the lettering.

_You are cordially invited to celebrate the installment of Dr. Martin Fitzgerald as assistant professor of Vascular Surgery at Presbyterian University Hospital…_

It was a mistake he couldn't afford not to make.

Two days ago, the day after he'd called Sam in the middle of the night, he'd decided to do something about it. It, being the broken heart he'd been living with for two years. He found out – through an old girlfriend who was still a friend and who happened to work in the same hospital that Martin used to – that Dr. Fitzgerald was leaving Saint Margaret's Hospital in Boston and coming _back_ to New York. Danny had only been looking for information on how to find Martin in Boston, but this news had thrilled him considerably more. Apparently – according to his gossip-fiend of an old girlfriend – Martin's fiancée was from New York and that was where she wanted to live. Being that Martin's father was still chief of staff at Presby – everyone's nickname for the mouthful of "Presbyterian University Hospital" – and now that he was safely engaged, Danny assumed his father had no problem bringing his son back home. Another dose of charm and compliments and the ex-girlfriend had managed to get Danny an invitation to the casual party that was to be held for Martin and a few other newly hired doctors. It was too perfect. A huge mistake and a probable set up to get hurt again, but Danny couldn't resist.

He'd take Samantha with him; pretend she was his date…make up some story about who they were. Keep it simple and semi-truthful…they were FBI agents, grateful to the hospital for saving their coworker's life a few months back – honest enough and Danny smiled when he thought of Vivian. He smiled even more when he thought about how much she would hate this plan. But it didn't matter. He wanted to see Martin again. More importantly, he wanted him back. And engaged or no, Danny intended to try.

* * *

"I think that's her," Sam said conspiratorially, sipping her white wine and leaning close to Danny.

"The blonde?" he asked, peering across the room in the general direction of where Sam was motioning.

"No, behind the blonde…the brunette in the green dress," she corrected, watching carefully.

"How do you know?" Danny asked. He frowned as he watched the woman Sam had pointed out. She was pretty. Not beautiful like Sam…that cold sort of beauty that sometimes left people distanced rather than drawn to her. No, Caroline – assuming it was she – was pretty. She was sweet looking…open, laughing. He swallowed hard and the urge to run became particularly strong. This was so big a mistake he began to wonder if he were losing his mind.

"Are you listening to me?" Sam asked, interrupting his thoughts. He turned to face her, eyes wide with a sudden sort of panic. Quickly, she set down her glass and took him by the arm, pulling him to the outskirts of the crowd. "What's wrong?"

"This was a bad idea," he said, a little breathless, his mouth dry. He looked down at her shoes and fidgeted with his watch. He felt her hands on his arms, just above the elbow and watched as her shoes stepped closer.

"Of course it was; you knew that when we came here. But it's too late for regrets now," she said, voice a little more forceful than he had expected. A very big part of him had hoped that she'd let him call the whole thing off and that they'd slip out the backdoor together. Ten minutes and they could be in a cab headed towards one of their favorite nightspots. He looked up and met her eyes, calmed suddenly by the warmth he saw there. It was a look she rarely let anyone see, but let him know how much she genuinely cared about him. It was touching and he resolved himself to be a better friend. He nodded and took a deep breath, hoping his gratitude showed in his eyes.

"Better?" she asked, tugging a bit on the strap of her dress.

Danny nodded and took her hand away from her shoulder, a small smile on his lips now. "Stop fidgeting, you look beautiful," he said, tucking her arm around his and leading her back towards the general crowd. He couldn't remember if he had complimented her on her appearance before being that he was so nervous, but it was the least he could do. And it wasn't hard; she really did look beautiful. All pale skin, rosy cheeks and pink lips, tied together with a stunning blue dress and all that blonde hair. Funny, for all the time he spent praising her beauty in his head that he, personally, wasn't at all attracted to her. She was just Sam.

"I hate wearing dresses," she muttered, gratefully accepting the new glass of wine he handed her.

He smiled again. "I know. Now tell me, how do you know that's her…Caroline," he prompted, eyes once again finding the brunette woman wearing the green dress. She was laughing and that made him scowl. It didn't help that she appeared – at least from across the room – to be lively and outgoing. He would've preferred she be cold and distant…a snob if there ever was one.

"I saw her picture online," Sam answered, eyes scanning the room and forever coming back to Danny. He knew she was waiting for him to spot Martin; that she wanted to be ready for his reaction. Truthfully, he had no idea what that would be yet. "I looked her up for you." He turned and looked at her curiously and she rolled her eyes. "I didn't think you would've done it on your own and I wanted to be prepared."

He had to laugh. "We're not working you know."

"Unfortunately not because if we were I wouldn't have to be wearing this dress," she muttered, causing him to laugh again.

But the sound was cut short when he turned back to the crowd again. His eyes found Caroline quickly enough but the difference this time was the man at her side.

Martin.

He tensed and he felt Sam go still next to him, knew her eyes were on him, but he couldn't look away. Two years had passed since the last time Danny had seen him and now…it hurt more than he'd thought possible. He watched, heart sinking with every second as Martin smiled at his wife to be, laughed at someone's joke and shook another man's hand. He looked so at ease, so comfortable in his own skin…something Danny had rarely witnessed outside the privacy of his apartment. And suddenly Danny had to wonder what he could offer that would compete with all of this. Where was the warm, kind, shy and slightly vulnerable man he had fallen so terribly in love with?

"He's a very good actor," Sam whispered in his ear. He jumped slightly, having forgotten that she was there. He turned, eyes wide, heart beating painfully in his chest and just looked at her.

"What?" he whispered.

She smiled softly, a patient sort of kindness lightening her expression. "Look at the way he keeps shifting his drink from one hand to the other. And how he distances himself just a little too much from his fiancée. She stepped closer once and touched his arm…he didn't like it. He made a point of taking a sip of his drink before she could get any closer and turning to talk to someone else. And he keeps looking down, smiling…blushing a little bit. He's nervous and uncomfortable."

He couldn't find the words to respond to her. A dozen questions jumbled around in his brain but they never made it past his lips. All he could seem to do was repeat his earlier question. "What?"

She laughed lightly and slid her hand from the crook of his arm where he'd kept it since earlier and squeezed his hand gently before letting go. "Trust me Danny, if you weren't so nervous and so caught up in seeing him again you'd see it too. I know you would," she went on quickly before he could protest. "It's everything we're trained to look for at work. What they do versus what they say. And Dr. Fitzgerald is definitely not as easygoing and outgoing as he appears to be."

"He was never outgoing," Danny murmured, unsure if he was talking to her or to himself. Sam smiled gently and turned her attention back to Martin, Caroline and the crowd of people around them. Meanwhile, Danny was slowly processing Sam's words and realizing how much sense they made. He tried to see what Sam saw, what he'd normally see were he not so involved. It took him a little while to spot the same clues as she had but once he did he began to feel a little bit more relieved.

He watched closely, still making sure that Martin wouldn't see him from across the room if he looked up. He waited, thankful that Sam was still hovering at his side, and as soon as Martin wandered off with a few other people Danny assumed were colleagues, he glanced once at Sam, linked his arm with hers and took a deep breath. She nodded and made the first move, putting on a smile that was way too bright for her personality and gently pulling Danny with her across the room.

"Hi there, are you Caroline Vandergrift?" Sam asked, her voice bubbly and tinged with a slight southern accent. Danny had to use all his will power to keep himself from not staring at her and laughing. He knew she was good undercover but for some reason, he hadn't expected her to go all out for this little meeting. Danny did his best to play his part of the slightly embarrassed husband at her side.

Caroline nodded, a friendly smile in place. "Yes, I am…" she trailed off, looking at Sam expectantly.

Sam smiled, more brightly if that were possible. Danny coughed, needing to cover a nervous giggle. "Oh how nice!" she went on happily. "My husband," she squeezed Danny's hand and leaned closer for emphasis. Danny just smiled half-heartedly at Caroline who acknowledged him with a nod. "Works for the FBI and he met your fiancé when someone went missing at the hospital. One of Danny's – that's my husband," she added, giggling a bit and glancing up at Danny. "One of his coworker's had a heart transplant a few months back and he's just _so_ grateful that she's all right. So we had to come and just support y'all. I'm Samantha, by the way," she said, graciously shaking Caroline's hand and then letting Danny do the same. "Congratulations on your engagement!" she exclaimed next, launching into a string of sentences about wedding plans and dresses and rings to which Caroline could only answer briefly before Sam came up with a new question or exclamation.

Danny had to wonder if she were purposely trying to make this performance over the top, but Caroline didn't seem to notice, and he had to admire Sam's ability to babble on. He loved the way she had explained their story, rambling on even though half the connections as to why they would be here just because Danny had questioned Martin in an investigation once and Vivian had gotten a heart transplant made no sense. But she'd done it in a way that Danny knew Caroline would never question, probably assuming that Sam was just a little bit ditzy and excited and so it wouldn't matter that she didn't make sense. Meanwhile, Danny was both equally nervous and amused that he was surprised he hadn't started laughing hysterically yet.

But then, the conversation had apparently lulled – or maybe Caroline had found an opening and had stopped Sam before she said another word – and Caroline was turning around, motioning to someone across the room and Danny began to realize that his stomach was tied in knots, that he'd be shaking if Sam hadn't tightened her grip on his arm almost to the point of pain.

Danny watched, still partially hidden by another group of people as Martin walked across the room towards his beckoning fiancée, his smile warm and easy as he looked at her. That simple look of happiness hurt more than he could say, but it managed to calm Danny considerably. Trademark smirk firmly in place, he leaned a bit closer to Sam – both for comfort and affect – and looked up just in time to meet startled blue eyes.

Startled quickly changed to a plain sort of terror as Caroline talked. He'd never wanted Martin's fear, but he'd expected it easily enough. And it gave him the upper hand, leaving him feeling much more in control than earlier. "Martin, I've just met Danny and this is his wife, Samantha. She tells me that you met Danny when he was conducting an FBI investigation at the hospital a few years back."

Martin nodded absently, not bothering to elaborate at all. Danny very nearly laughed as Sam reached out and shook Martin's hand – something he did automatically, although his eyes never left Danny's. And Danny watched, still smirking, as Martin struggled to appear calm and collected. He wrenched his gaze away from Danny's and smiled painfully at Sam, a hint of darkness flashing in his eyes and Danny knew – _knew_ – that he was jealous. That gave him an advantage right away and he stored the information away for later. They talked for a few minutes longer…more correctly, Caroline and Sam talked, Sam filling in the blanks and making up some story that Danny never heard about how he and Martin had become minor acquaintances after the investigation. Danny stared at Martin and Martin fidgeted, struggling to maintain his composure under his gaze.

Eventually someone interrupted them, wanting to speak with Caroline and Martin. Danny and Samantha said their goodbyes and nice-to-meet-you's, promising to stay in touch and get together for dinner in the future. They drifted to the edge of the crowd so that they were partially hidden and leaned back against the wall. Danny continued to watch his prey, knowing that Martin was searching the crowd for him, his expression and manner not quite so at ease anymore. Sam, in turn, watched Martin also, but kept a close eye on Danny…a gaze he could _feel_.

"Who knew you played such a convincing southern belle?" he asked snidely, elbowing her gently on the arm.

"What do you plan to do next?" she asked, ignoring him.

"Wait until he's alone…confront him," he murmured, eyes trained on Martin's every move.

"Do you need me to keep Caroline occupied?" she asked. He had to love the way she approached this as if it were work. It made sense though. She was so good at her job so logically she'd carry that skill over into…whatever it was they were doing now. Stalking, he presumed.

"No, I think she'll have plenty of people to talk to without having to listen to you babble on again," he teased. He turned briefly, pulling his gaze away from Martin and smiling at her. "Thank you, by the way," he said, a genuine smile on his lips.

She nodded in the direction of Martin so he turned away from her, eyes back to the other man, but he heard her soft "you're welcome" and he squeezed her hand. "I'd say this'll be your best chance," she said, watching as Martin slipped away from the party and down a small hallway. From wandering through the room earlier, they both knew that it led only to a few locked office doors and an outside balcony. Danny could easily guess where he'd gone…and why.

"Call my cell if…well if you think we'll be interrupted," Danny said, letting go of her hand and following in the direction Martin had gone. He got away easily, not many at the party lingering near the hallway Martin had left by. Danny knew from the past that the other man could make himself quite invisible if he tried, so he doubted anyone had noticed. And it was easy enough to slip away at parties like these, even when you were one of the guests of honor. Anyone looking would just assume you were in a different area of the room talking with someone else.

Danny paused outside the balcony door and looked through the glass. Martin was leaning back against the wall, his eyes closed, his arms hugged around his chest, breathing deeply. Danny could _feel_ the anxiety pouring off him in waves and a part of Danny wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But that wasn't why he was here.

"Hello Martin."

Danny shut the balcony door behind him and stood still, watching as Martin opened his eyes. His fear, his anxiety was palpable; yet at the same time, there was a look in his eyes that appeared as if he was expecting this. Danny had to wonder if he had left the party on purpose…if he had expected and _wanted_ Danny to follow him. He took a few steps closer.

"What are you doing here?"

Martin's voice was so tense, so painfully frightened that Danny froze, quickly disregarding his earlier assumption and sighing softly. So it had only been wishful thinking. Martin's expectations were probably also his biggest fear. It saddened Danny that the other man was so afraid of him, more likely afraid of what he might do. But it also made him angry. He'd given Martin so much, both when they were together and after they'd broken up…and he had to wonder, especially now, what exactly it was that he'd gotten in return. It was that anger that prompted him to continue.

"I came to congratulate you on your engagement," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. He moved closer to Martin, only a few feet away now and smirked at him, watching as he swallowed hard, as his eyes darted up and down Danny's body and then away, past him towards the door. He was looking for an escape but Danny didn't intend to give it to him. There were mistakes to be made next, and he'd already come this far. He took the final few steps and closed the distance between them, close enough now that he could feel the nervous energy, the _heat_ coming off of Martin's body. He watched him swallow again, looked into his widened eyes and smiled. He leaned closer, put one hand on the wall next to Martin's head. They were inches apart and Danny could smell him…sweat, cologne and _Martin_.

"Danny…what do you want?" Martin whispered, a desperate sort of plea in his voice. And in his eyes.

"You."

Danny didn't give him a chance to think much less reply. He slipped his other hand to the back of Martin's head, pulled him close and kissed him. There was no token struggle, no push to his chest or groan of resistance. No, Martin simply melted against him, one hand coming up to lightly grip Danny's side, his body trembling. He wavered slightly on his feet and Danny brought them flush together, pushing Martin up against the wall. He reveled in Martin's small moan, and when he opened his mouth Danny took full advantage, kissing him deeply, frantically almost, tasting what he had so long missed. He forced his hands between Martin's back and the wall behind him, wanting to feel him in his arms, wanting to touch as much of him as he could. It was reckless and out of control and everything Danny had tried so hard to forget but had remembered all the same.

Martin kissed him back, responding softly to Danny's insistent kisses. His arms wound around Danny's back, but his touch was light and tentative. Danny knew he was afraid. Afraid of being caught, afraid of what was happening…afraid of God knew what else. But Danny wanted to make him forget.

He kissed him more deeply, wanting Martin as desperate as he was. He ground his hips against Martin, moaning as their erections rubbed together, loving the feel of Martin hard against him. Martin, who was slowly losing his control and – Danny hoped – his fear. Pulling Danny closer, kissing him more intently, moaning softly…all things combined to make Danny lose any sense of his plan. All he knew was what he wanted here and now.

He reached between them, hand fumbling with Martin's belt buckle, with the button and zipper. Felt Martin shudder and push closer as Danny closed his hand around him and stroked him. Lightheaded now, Danny broke their kiss, leaving both of them panting, lips swollen and wet, eyes open and locked on one another. Funny how _Danny_ found himself looking away first, pressing his lips to Martin's chin, his jaw, sucking and biting the soft skin of his neck. He felt Martin's hands in his hair, at the back of his neck, gently pulling him back to his mouth before Danny could leave a mark. It was something that Martin would think of, but even Danny could see why it would be prudent that he not go back to the party looking like he'd…well like he'd been making out and had gotten a hand job on the balcony.

And _shit_, that had him thinking – though he wasn't sure how his brain was able to function quite so well – hand job…messy. Feeling how close Martin was, how he was thrusting upwards into Danny's fist and kissing him hungrily, Danny broke away, took a second to nip at Martin's full lower lip and then dropped to his knees.

He gripped Martin's hips and took his cock in his mouth, eyes glancing upwards, watching as Martin bit his lower lip to keep from moaning out loud, head falling back against the wall. He had his hands in Danny's hair, tugging slightly, fingers warm against Danny's scalp. He came with a strangled cry, hips pushing upwards, eyes squeezed shut…Danny couldn't stop watching him. He felt an empty sort of victory as he leaned back on his heels for a moment, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He stood up, tucking Martin back inside his pants and leaning close. Danny kissed him again, softly this time, shivering as he felt Martin return the kiss, his breath shaky and uneven.

It was only when they broke apart moments later that reality set in. Danny had never intended to take things so far and now that it was all over he knew exactly what mistake he'd made. Too much, too fast. And he sighed as he saw the haze start to fade from Martin's eyes, his blue eyes becoming cold and panicky.

"Martin…"

But he was already off the wall, brushing past Danny towards the balcony door – practically running – and then, a very small pause and a slight look back before he was gone. Danny could only sigh, frustrated both physically and emotionally. He stepped closer to the railing at the edge of the balcony and leaned against it, looking down and out at the glowing city. It wasn't long before he heard the door open again, the soft click of heels on the cement.

"Hey…" he said softly, not bothering to turn around. Sam stood next to him, one arm on the railing, angled slightly towards him. He felt her shiver as she gently touched his shoulder. Sighing, he stood up straight and took off his suit jacket, draping it over her shoulders before she could protest.

"What happened?" she asked, voice low, concerned. "I saw him come back into the room," she went on when he didn't answer right away. "He looked, well nervous would be an understatement…"

"Did he leave?"

Danny saw her shake her head out of the corner of his eye. "No, I don't think so. I watched him get a drink and then find his fiancée in the crowd again. He sought her out right away."

"Did she notice anything?" he asked, not really caring just wanting to stall.

"Not that I could tell…but they were across the room & surrounded by people, so I didn't really have the best vantage point. And," she went on before he could ask anything else. "You still haven't answered my first question."

"What question was that?" he asked, smart edge to his voice that he knew she didn't deserve. Sighing he turned away from the city and shook his head as he looked at her. "I'm sorry Sam." He paused and ran his hand through his hair, taking a moment to glance over the railing again before meeting her eyes. "Things didn't exactly go as planned," he said softly, sounding almost as frustrated as he felt.

"What was your plan?"

"To talk to him…maybe insult him a little bit, but…well, we hardly _talked_ at all," he answered. "I just…God, Sam I couldn't control it. I…we said about three words to each other and then I kissed him. I kissed him and he kissed me back and well…it went too far. I didn't want to move that quickly and now…" he stopped, sighing again and throwing up his hands helplessly.

She stepped a little bit closer as he turned away, leaning against the railing again. She was close enough that her shoulder pressed against his and Danny let out a shaky breath at her touch. "If it's any consolation, Martin was flushed and very out of sorts when he came back inside. I'm pretty sure he won't be able to get you out of his mind for a while," she said slyly. Danny turned slightly, unable to help the smile that formed on his lips. She wore a gentle smirk and he laughed softly as he stood up straight again.

Nothing was resolved. Martin had pushed him away again; he hadn't made any progress. Strike one. Yet, he still had some semblance of hope. He could still feel Martin in his arms, could still taste him on his lips. And, thanks to Sam, his mood was just a small bit lighter and his determination was stronger than ever.

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Another Thursday night and he wasn't out with Sam. He was beginning to feel badly for abandoning her. First he was sitting at home, alone and depressed over the discovery of Martin's engagement. The following Thursday he'd dragged her to that party at the hospital in order to see Martin. And now, a few weeks later, he'd asked her if he could have a rain check because he'd decided he needed to confront Martin again. The weeks in between they'd only gone out once, and not even to one of their normal spots, just for a quick dinner after work. He missed their nights out together…laughing, dancing and forgetting. Maybe part of the reason that their friendship worked so well was that they were really both trying so hard to forget things. And lately it had been all about him; he couldn't remember when he'd last asked her how _she_ was. Sighing and feeling rather guilty, he paid the cab driver his fare and stepped out onto the street, promising himself that he'd be a better friend to Sam tomorrow.

Ever since that night at the hospital, he'd been thinking about Martin almost constantly. He knew that he wanted to see him again, but he still wasn't entirely sure it was a good idea. In fact he knew it wasn't. He was still angry, still hurt from what had happened two years ago, but he knew Martin wasn't going to be able to answer for that time and for what had happened. He'd run away. Plain and simple. Although what Danny was feeling now, and probably what Martin was feeling…well, it was anything but simple.

Danny wanted to harass Martin, to seduce him, to sleep with him and then abandon him. It was something he contemplated but couldn't bring himself to go through with. Not really. Because honestly, he didn't want to hurt Martin. No matter that Martin had hurt him, had broken his heart, Danny didn't want to inflict the same sort of pain on the other man. And he had to wonder if Martin would even see him again. After the way he'd blatantly stalked and accosted him at the hospital party…he knew Martin was probably hoping that nothing more ever came of it. That Danny would just leave him alone. Because Martin was nothing if not good at hiding from himself and from what he really wanted.

But weakness, temptation, need…something forced his choice, and Danny knew he wouldn't be able to stay away. Whether Martin allowed anything further to happen or not was his decision, but Danny found himself desperate to try.

Swallowing nervously, he pushed his hands into the pocket of his coat and forced himself to walk forward, across the sidewalk and through the revolving door of the hospital. He'd purposely come straight from work, knowing he could use his authority as an FBI agent to go where he needed to – although he hated the idea of flashing his ID around in order to get what he wanted, especially because this had nothing to do with work.

He glanced around briefly at the people in the lobby before making his way to the information desk. He was glad he hadn't come in through the ER – the sight of all those sick and injured people who seemed to just endlessly _wait_ left him feeling cold and depressed. That was where he'd been _last_ time. Just another case, a round of questioning to ensue…but then everything had changed.

* * *

_"Hi, I'm Special Agent Johnson, this is Special Agent Taylor, we're with the FBI and we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions about Julie Murphy."_

_"Why, is she in trouble?" Standard response and Danny couldn't help wondering if every person they talked to today would say the same thing. _

_"No, she's missing," Vivian replied patiently._

_"Missing? That's terrible, I just saw her yesterday and…"_

_Danny was seconds away from mouthing the response along with her. This was definitely going nowhere fast and he wondered if anyone would notice if they just made up responses for the rest of the people they should be interviewing. Normally, he wouldn't mind, and he knew that even the smallest clue could lead to a break, but he was tired and his head was aching and he was just ready for the day to end. The nurse Vivian was currently talking to looked young enough to be in high school and she kept glancing Danny's way, obviously torn between answering questions and wanting to flirt. Sighing, he turned away, wandering a short ways down the hall and glancing around for anyone else who they might want to question before they called in their string of helpless answers to Jack._

_"Kathy, someone paged me?"_

_"Yes, Dr. Fitzgerald, the FBI's here…they're asking questions about Julie and they wanted to talk with you…"_

_Danny had to force himself not to roll his eyes, but he took the few steps closer to the nurse's station and pulled out his ID. "Special Agent Danny Taylor," he __said,__ monotone voice on automatic pilot. It wasn't until he glanced up that he suddenly found himself unable to speak. Unable to ask the same, boring questions he'd been dreading just seconds ago. Instead he could only stare, brown eyes drawn to blue in a way he'd never been pulled in before. It was probably only seconds but it felt like forever before he was able to find his voice again, proud of himself when it sounded normal. "You're Dr. Fitzgerald?" he asked, glancing down at his notepad before he could find himself mesmerized by the man in front of him._

_"Yes…Martin," he __answered,__ voice a little nervous, hand coming out to shake Danny's – a gesture he didn't always receive when he was interviewing people. But he responded in turn, shaking the doctor's – _Martin's_ – hand and forcing himself to ignore the sliver of electricity that ran up his spine. He hated feeling like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl._

_"Martin…we just want to ask you a few questions about Julie Murphy. We understand that you were working with her on Sunday night?"_

_And so it had gone on. __Asking Martin the same questions as everyone else, but in their first real break, learning of an unidentified man that Martin had seen Julie arguing with hours before her disappearance.__ It would turn out to help the case immensely – the unknown man – an ex-boyfriend of sorts – having been the one to later abduct Julie on her way home from work. She'd been found a few days later – alive – and Danny had been more grateful than usual because he would've hated to have to return her to Martin dead._

_It was two days after the case had ended that Danny had returned to the hospital, feeling both nervous and hopeful…and then thrilled just from the simple fact of seeing Martin again. He'd kept Martin updated, as much as he could, throughout the progress of the case, sensing his genuine concern for the missing nurse. But now that the case was finished he had no more excuses to call and he couldn't let that happen. Ever since the moment he'd met his eyes, Danny had felt a connection with Martin – something he first __tried to laugh off as a figment of his imagination. But with every passing phone call or brief meeting – both of which were turning more into small talk than about the actual case – he'd found himself more and more interested, and he knew he'd never let it go if he didn't pursue Martin further._

_Having sensed a mutual interest, Danny confidently denied any possibility of rejection; and when he found Martin at the end of his shift and asked him out for a bite to eat, his smirk was all the brighter when Martin blushed and shyly agreed._

* * *

As luck would have it, he didn't need to flash his ID around after all. Standing near the information desk, chatting with another employee was that same old girlfriend who had gotten Danny an invitation to Martin's party. He smiled brightly when she saw him and waved him over. Charming her was easy. A little flirting, a casual touch, the easy smile he was famous for. She told him exactly where Dr. Fitzgerald's office was. And if Martin wasn't in, she kindly offered to page him for Danny, something Danny casually declined, not wanting her overly involved. Luckily, she'd never quite figured out Danny's sexual orientation and so she wouldn't know the exact reason for his sudden interest in Martin Fitzgerald. Sudden to her anyway.

Following her directions – taking one set of elevators to the third floor, crossing an enclosed bridge over the street to another wing of the hospital and then taking another elevator up to nine – he had to wonder how people ever found their way around in the maze of hallways. The sad thing was, he'd been here before. Only once, and he'd been following Martin and not really paying attention to directions…but still, he was beginning to think he'd made a wrong turn but then things started to look vaguely familiar.

He was nervous. There were so many possibilities as to how this meeting could go and he had no idea which outcome to presume would happen. Martin was and always had been too complicated to predict…at least in some aspects. In others he was like clockwork…always the same. Danny smiled to himself, picturing some of those routines to himself. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts, as he heard Martin's voice drifting from an open doorway.

"Thanks Eric, I appreciate it. Ok, you too…bye." Danny paused outside of his doorway and heard the sound of a phone being hung up, a squeaky chair and then the soft clicking of a keyboard. He glanced around; thankful he'd come late enough in the day because the hallway was empty. True, it was a hospital but this floor seemed more devoted solely to doctors' offices than to rooms with patients in them.

Berating himself for stalling, he took a deep breath, knocked quietly on the half-open door and walked into the room. "Hello Martin."

Amazing how things hadn't changed. The greeting was the same as the night on the balcony; the eyes that looked up were startled and uneasy. Déjà vu was a strong feeling.

"Danny…"

The response however, was definitely different. Martin's voice was soft, almost resigned, as he leaned back slightly in his chair, his eyes never leaving Danny's. His eyes had taken on a new look…one that left Danny with all sorts of questions. It was still uneasy but it was tinged with something more. Happiness? Relief? Danny wasn't sure; sometimes Martin was impossible to read.

"I've been…" Martin trailed off, looking nervous again. But it was a distinct difference from the other night. It wasn't a frightened kind of nervous. No, instead it seemed to be anxious, as if he were anticipating something.

"You've been what?" Danny asked. He stepped closer, moved around to the side of Martin's desk, leaning against it and peering down at the other man.

Martin sighed, shaking his head and quickly logging off of his computer before looking up at Danny again. "Expecting you," he finally answered, a soft blush creeping into his cheeks.

And that was one possibility that Danny had never considered.

Martin stood up, moving slightly so they were standing face to face now, Danny still leaning against his desk. And Danny could only stare for a few moments, shocked, thrilled, worried…he didn't quite know. But then he reached out, hands cupping Martin's face and he kissed him. Softly, warmly…and so quickly it became deeper. Not long before Martin's arms came around him and pulled him up so he was standing, pulled him closer.

Martin broke away after a while, leaving the warmth of Danny's arms to shut his office door before quickly returning. And then their kisses were more intense, passionate and Danny felt it going to his head, making him dizzy and making him wonder what it was exactly that he was setting himself up for. Because it wasn't just a kiss. No, even their first kiss had been more than just that. He'd felt that first kiss _everywhere._ And he was feeling it all again now.

Once more, Martin broke away, though he stayed pressed against Danny, one arm around his back, the other playing softly in his hair. He tilted his head upward slightly and met his eyes. Danny watched him carefully, unable to look away from the blue gaze that went from dazed to a strange sort of resignation – as if Martin had accepted the inevitability of their being together again – to a cynical narrowing of the eyes. And again, that had been unexpected.

"What about your wife?" he asked, voice twisted with sarcasm.

Danny frowned, looking confused for a few moments before he figured out the words and then he laughed. Smile on his lips as he kissed the corner of Martin's mouth and brushed his thumb across his jaw. "Sam's not my wife. She's a friend from work – I think you met her once, briefly – and I just asked her to come along and pretend to be married to me. We thought it would be more fitting with the party."

"So she's not your wife," Martin replied, repeating the obvious, his eyes looking a little relieved.

Danny couldn't help the sudden stab of anger that ran through him. Martin was relieved that he wasn't married, yet _he_ was the one who was engaged. It was only a desperate attempt at some sort of defense that made Danny lie. After how badly Martin had hurt him last time he had to at least _try_ protect himself in some way now. "No, she's not. I mean, we've slept together a few times, but nothing serious," he lied, feeling a strange sort of satisfaction when Martin winced.

_Good._ He wanted hurt and jealousy and everything else that Danny felt so strongly. But then just as quickly as it had come, his anger passed and he found himself wanting Martin's compliance even more.

Danny kissed him again, both hands on the sides of his face, holding him in place, tongue exploring the mouth he remembered so well, only breaking away when the need to breathe became painful. Martin's eyes were definitely dazed now as he looked up at Danny. His hands were gripping tightly to Danny's back, his body pressed close.

"Come home with me," Danny whispered against Martin's mouth, lips taking the time to kiss him again, softer now.

Martin nodded, tightening his hold on the other man, pressing his own soft kisses to Danny's lips and chin. "Yes," he replied, voice a little desperate now.

Danny wondered, as they walked out of the hospital and hailed a cab, exactly what he was doing. He knew the heartache he was setting himself up for. Would this be a one-time thing or would Martin want more? And if he did, then what? More as in long term or more as in something on the side until he got married? He had no idea and part of him didn't even want to find out. He just wanted to live in the present. The present where Martin grasped tightly to his hand in the elevator ride up to Danny's apartment. Where they barely made it inside before he'd pulled Danny against him, kissing him and tearing at his clothes. Nothing else was really important then because Danny had him now. And it was as intoxicating as ever.

* * *

Danny was beginning to wonder if he had a hidden masochistic side. Sighing, he turned quietly onto his side and watched Martin sleep, the faint glow of the oncoming sunrise slowly lighting the room. Unsure, he reached out, hand sliding lightly over Martin's chest, coming to rest possessively around his waist. He glanced up, eyes taking in the other man's every breath, the slow rise and fall of his chest.

It hurt. Something so simple and it hurt like hell because he was almost certain he couldn't keep it. Couldn't keep Martin.

He wasn't quite sure why he'd set himself up for such a brutal letdown again, but he knew it had everything to do with the man sleeping next to him. There was a possibility that Martin would end up wanting him the same way that Danny wanted him. That he'd want the same things, the same life together…just the two of them. But he wasn't a fool and he knew that his chances were slim to none. Martin was too hidden, too afraid of their relationship and of himself to give it a proper chance. He hadn't last time – because eight months hadn't _nearly_ been enough. And Danny doubted that he was ready to jump into something so serious now. His engagement was proof of that.

These thoughts were hardly new to Danny. Yet he'd invited Martin home all the same, had kissed him like he was drowning, clearly laying bare his feelings in his eyes and in the way he touched him – although Danny doubted Martin acknowledged them even if he had seen them. The prospect of having his heart broken again was almost certain but he hadn't been able to stay away. And even as he lay quiet in the early morning light, watching Martin sleep, he didn't regret going after him again. He couldn't even bring himself to regret that he knew it would happen again, past today. So he pushed the thought of heartbreak as far to the back of his mind as he could, knowing that it was there, but not willing to acknowledge it until it was necessary.

_"How can you not be…__"__ Danny paused, yawning, a perpetual smile on his face. __"Ready to fall asleep?"__ He moved closer, sweat slicked skin pressed close to Martin's, arm tightly around his waist, legs tangled. Eyes closed, he pressed his lips to Martin's collarbone, nipping lightly at pale skin and soothing it with his tongue. Forgetting his sleepy question, he continued kissing Martin's skin, lips on his shoulder, gently up his neck to his jaw, fingers coming up to pass through the other man's hair. _

_"I am," Martin said softly, willingly pushing __himself__ closer and meeting Danny's mouth with his own, sighing into the soft, open-mouthed kisses that followed._

_"You are what?" Danny asked, sounding confused as he broke their kiss and peered down at him._

_Martin laughed and Danny felt the sound deep in his chest, an ache of sorts that made him __want__ more. He smiled, cocked his head to the side and waited for an explanation._

_"Ready to fall asleep," Martin answered, repeating Danny's words._

_"Oh…right," Danny replied, his smile brightening as he leaned down for another kiss. But after a few moments, he pulled back again, remembering what had made him ask the question in the first place. "But you weren't falling asleep," he protested, fingers running lightly over Martin's cheek, his eyes a little more serious now. "You were thinking."_

_Martin didn't answer, but his eyes lost their shy, lazy sparkle and he looked away, glancing out at the darkened city just beyond the opaque curtains. Danny moved just a little bit closer – not that it was very possible – so he was practically on top of him and turned his head back so he could look into his eyes again. _

_"Stay the night," he murmured, eyes dark with promise and hope, smile gone. He suddenly knew, in the quick moment that Martin had turned his head, what the other man had been thinking about. It had been an easier choice to come to Danny's apartment than it was to stay. But Martin's eyes were soft again and he nodded, hand at the back of Danny's neck as he pulled him down for another round of kisses, his body warm and pliant as he let go in Danny's arms. _

_Decision made, they settled down, still tangled around each other, and Danny pulled the cool sheet from the foot of the bed over them, pressing his lips to Martin's cheek as he shut his eyes. "Good night," he whispered._

_"Night Danny," was the sleepy response. Sleepy and shy and cause enough for Danny to smile and wrap a possessive arm around Martin's waist._

Trouble. He couldn't get out of this much no matter what he did – of that Danny was absolutely certain. Mornings like this were meant to be spent reliving the night before, playing out every kiss, every touch until he wanted it all again. And it wasn't that he didn't – want it all again that is. Because Martin's skin was hot against his and Danny knew exactly where and how to touch to get a reaction that would pull him from sleep moaning and desperate for more. And yet his first thoughts weren't of the incredible, amazing sex they'd had; they were of the soft, sleepy afterglow and everything that had been said without being spoken. Those thoughts were dangerous…poised and waiting to make his heart bleed. To drag him headlong into depression, hurt and anger.

Martin stirred and slowly began to wake up at the sound of Danny's radio alarm. Staying silent, Danny watched as he opened his eyes, yawning and looking around briefly, a bit of surprise in his expression. But then he turned his gaze on Danny and smiled genuinely, shifting onto his side and wrapping his arm around Danny's waist. He nuzzled closer, pushing his head into the crook of Danny's neck, lips soft against his skin. Sighing, Danny smiled to himself and returned Martin's embrace, shivering a little as he felt the other man kissing his neck.

When Martin stopped after a few moments and sighed, his body going still in Danny's arms, Danny laughed lightly and ran his fingers through Martin's hair. "Don't fall back asleep," he murmured, pressing his lips to Martin's temple.

"Mmm…snooze," came Martin's muttered reply.

Danny smiled, brighter this time and ran his fingertips slowly down Martin's spine, making the other man shudder and mumble something unintelligible. "Neither of us have time for the snooze button," he said softly. Part of him was wondering why he was protesting. If Martin wanted to stay in bed, Danny thought that he should reach over, turn the alarm clock off completely and just spend the day wrapped up in the other man's arms. It was certainly tempting but it was something he couldn't let happen. However superficially, Danny knew he had to try and remain in charge of this…this situation, relationship – he wasn't sure what to call it. He would've gladly showed up late for work had it been his idea, but he couldn't let Martin dictate what happened between them…even over something as small as whether or not they could stay in bed a few minutes longer. He had to remain in control. No matter how _out_ of control his feelings were.

Grumpy now, but with a happy glint remaining in his eyes, Martin reluctantly lifted his head from Danny's shoulder and looked into his eyes. Feeling his resolve waver, Danny quickly pressed a quick kiss to his lips and then sat up in bed, yawning and stretching his arms over his head. He wasn't expecting Martin's arms to wrap around him from behind, to feel the other man suddenly pressed close to his back, warm, soft lips on his shoulder, hands splayed out against his stomach and his chest. He couldn't help leaning back into the touch, angling his head to the side, when Martin started kissing his way from Danny's shoulder slowly up his neck, tongue hot and attentive, breath warm with every movement. He shivered.

"Martin…"

He wasn't sure what his breathless plea was for exactly. Did he want Martin's attention – want him to stop? Or, the more likely answer Danny thought, did he want more?

The shrill ring of his cell phone made the decision for both of them, and Danny quickly found himself cursing whoever had made the call. Reluctantly, he got out of Martin's now relaxed embrace and leaned over for his phone on the nightstand.

It turned out to be Sam and he let himself stall for time as he smiled at Martin who mouthed the word "shower" and then left the room – still naked – something Danny appreciated plenty.

"Danny, are you there?"

He smiled at her impatience, falling back into bed and running his hand over his closed eyes. "Yeah, I'm here," he replied softly. "What's up?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line and Danny narrowed his eyes, frowning a bit. It wasn't really fair that she suspected something already. But true to her nature, she didn't say anything. "I was in early. Jack has a case, so get here as soon as you can," she said, her voice rushed and sounding a little annoyed.

"You know," he said, voice coy, smirking even though he knew she couldn't see it. It didn't matter; he knew she'd know it was there. "You never even said good morning."

He could _hear_ her rolling her eyes, probably shifting the phone from one ear to the other so she could put her right hand on her hip. "I don't have time for this Danny; I know he's there," she snapped in a hushed tone. He appreciated her not yelling, knowing that she was in the office, and yet he hadn't expected her to come right out and say it at all. She wasn't stupid. She'd known that Danny was going to the hospital yesterday to talk to Martin, and she'd obviously picked up on his distraction when he'd first answered the phone. But it wasn't like Sam to come right to the point. Sure, she did when necessary but in this situation…well, Danny knew she'd normally rather not even talk about it. Not unless he brought it up first.

Was she really upset because he hadn't gone out with her last night? He knew he'd been selfish lately, making their friendship all about him, but he hadn't meant to neglect her.

"I'll be there as soon as I shower and get dressed," he said quickly, deciding to wait for a better time. He promised himself it'd be soon – tonight if possible. She said a brisk "okay" and hung up not giving him so much as a chance to say goodbye.

Sighing, he set his phone on the nightstand and smiled as he heard the water stop running in the shower. He was a little disappointed, because the thought of joining Martin under the warm water had briefly crossed his mind…yet he knew that would only lead to his being _very_ late to work. So instead, he settled for catching Martin in his bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. He smirked when Martin looked up, eyes surprised, blushing a little. Danny moved closer, hands wrapping around the other man's naked waist as he kissed him deeply and for many long minutes.

"There's coffee in the cupboard over the microwave. If you could make a pot, that'd be great," he murmured, smiling at Martin's dazed expression and then stepping into the shower. He could barely contain a laugh as he heard something that sounded suspiciously like "tease" being muttered and then the light slamming of the door.

Leaving the apartment together was awkward at best. Danny still wasn't sure where he stood and what happened next. By all accounts Martin had come home with him willingly, had stayed the night, had smiled at him in the morning and made him coffee – remembering exactly how he liked it, even after two years apart. And yet, their eyes were hesitant to meet as Danny pulled on his coat and Martin gathered his things. All Danny knew was that he couldn't let it end with one night, not caring – for the moment – that he believed it would end eventually. He just needed more.

"I want to see you again," he blurted out rather gracelessly, his normally smooth exterior gone for the moment. He cursed Martin for bringing out the teenage boy in him.

But then Martin nodded, smiling a little bit and Danny didn't care. "So do I," he replied, voice soft. Danny smiled back at him, relief plain in his eyes and he couldn't resist…his fingers on Martin's cheek, his neck, leaning in to kiss him one more time, deep, slow, tongue tasting all he could until he was sure he'd be licking his lips all day.

"I'll call you," Danny murmured against his mouth, sighing softly as Martin nodded and pressed a quick kiss to his lips again.

They left the building together, Danny watching as Martin slipped into a cab, his eyes turning back once to linger and smile. Danny didn't let himself wonder if Martin was going home to change before work – if _home_ was with Caroline or if he was living alone before they got married. None of it mattered at that moment and when he finally caught the subway and made it into work – later than he'd intended but not caring – he was still smiling.

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks again to everyone who has been reviewing; I always appreciate it!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

He hadn't meant to trade one relationship for another but somewhere along the line that seemed to be exactly what had happened.

It had been weeks since he'd first seen Martin again, since they'd started seeing each other on a regular basis. It turned out that Martin was living alone – not with Caroline – and he was busy enough at the hospital and she at her public relations firm that they saw very little of each other. A strange relationship to be sure, but Danny wasn't about to push his luck by asking about it.

He saw Martin at least three times a week, sometimes more depending on their schedules. He still wasn't sure exactly what it was that they were doing either. Martin didn't talk about Caroline or his upcoming marriage and Danny didn't ask…too afraid that he'd break whatever it was they had tentatively formed between them. He knew it wasn't healthy and it was a bad idea but he couldn't help himself. Most of the time he'd be too wrapped up in just being with Martin to remember it anyway. He lost himself time and time again. Late nights sitting up on Danny's couch, watching Sports Center and repeats of Saturday Night Live, laughing, touching, close. Rare, lazy mornings when neither of them had to work and it rained outside, almost giving them permission to stay in bed all day, kissing, talking, having sex until they couldn't move. On the days that Martin wasn't there Danny ached for him, wishing for what he wasn't sure how to achieve. A commitment.

But somewhere, amidst his fragile relationship with Martin, he'd lost Samantha. Maybe not completely, but they hadn't spent any time together outside of work since that night she'd pretended to be his wife. It was painful in a strange sort of way that Danny didn't quite understand. He wanted to reach out to her and talk, because he knew there were things she was going through that she was keeping bottled up. And he missed her. Yet every time he thought about it or made the move to do something, he stopped, making some excuse and telling himself that he'd talk to her as soon as he could. Then Martin was there and Sam faded to a small hum at the back of his mind.

And so it was Thursday again and he hadn't even thought to ask Sam what she was doing after work. He'd caught her once, glancing his way, a sad sort of resignation in her eyes but it was so brief that he managed to convince himself that he'd imagined it. She said goodnight to him at the end of the day, a half smile playing at the corners of her lips and then she was gone, heels clicking softly on the floor as she made her way to the elevator. Danny swallowed hard, unable to watch her go, feeling horrible. He'd almost made up his mind to call out to her when his phone rang. Sighing, he looked down and once again his thoughts of Sam fled as he recognized the number on the caller ID.

"Hey," he said, voice low, a small smirk in place. He loved the way everything changed at the simple sound of Martin's voice in his ear. His heart fluttered, his body warmed, his breathing became just a tad quicker. He glanced around the office as he started gathering up his things and setting his desk in order for the next day, phone pressed between his shoulder and his ear.

"Yeah, Chinese is fine," he murmured, slipping into his coat and turning off the light on his desk. He nodded his goodbye to the few random colleagues still left in the office, made his way across the room and stepped into the elevator, leaning back against the wall as the doors shut.

"Hurry," he said, voice husky and a little urgent. "I want you." He smirked, _feeling_ Martin shudder through the phone. He heard his breath catch in his throat and he laughed softly. "I'll be home in twenty minutes…don't make me wait too long." And with a helpless murmur of consent from the other man Danny hung up, walking briskly down the sidewalk and hailing a cab.

Danny only had to wait about ten minutes after he got home for Martin to show up. He pulled him inside, grabbing the bag of Chinese takeout from his hand and quickly setting it on the counter. He turned back to Martin, paused for a minute to take in his breathless, eager appearance. Grinning he stepped closer, hands reaching out to slide Martin's coat off of his shoulders just before he backed him up into the wall.

"I've been thinking of you all day," Martin said, voice low and heated, his arms reaching for Danny, quickly tugging his shirt out of his pants, fingers trembling a little as they began undoing the buttons. Danny leaned closer, capturing Martin's mouth with his own, arms wrapping around him desperately, hands tugging at his shirt, wanting to touch skin. Deep, hot kisses, so intimate the way they knew each other. Martin moaning into his mouth, pressing his body closer, hands trying to touch as much of Danny as he could. Danny responding in turn, loving Martin's desperation, wanting to give as much as he took. Slowly they made their way down the hallway towards Danny's bedroom, a trail of clothes in their wake. Once inside, Danny quickly finished undressing them both before pulling Martin into bed with him.

Everything else faded away as they touched. Hot, hard against each other, skin on skin, hands seeking more, mouths fused, searching, tasting…_wanting_. And it was like this every time. Even when it was slower, on those mornings that they could afford to be lazy it was still so passionate and needy. It was almost a blur at times, just a barrage of tangled limbs and frantic feelings.

And Martin arched upwards, eyes dark and lost as Danny slid inside him. Strangled moans and needy kisses, arms that pulled him closer, wanting more. And how was he supposed to give this up? The thought crossed Danny's mind – a final thought of sorts before he drowned in pleasure – that he'd never get enough of Martin, that he wanted him selfishly. Wanted him all the time. But these feelings weren't new. Hardly.

They lay still for a long time afterwards, Martin pressed close, his breath hot against Danny's neck, their skin slick with sweat. Danny took a deep breath and ran his fingers through Martin's hair and then absently trailed his hand up and down his back.

"You're thinking," Martin murmured, shifting slightly so he could rest his head on his hand, elbow on the pillow and look down at Danny.

Danny met his gaze and frowned, confused for a moment. Usually it was the other way around…Danny accusing Martin of thinking too much when he'd be better off if he just let things happen. But there were thoughts on his mind – had been for a long time – and he couldn't seem to suppress them anymore. Couldn't leave well enough alone, but he wanted to start in the past and see where it led him.

"Why did you leave me the first time?" Danny asked softly, eyes openly showing the hurt he'd felt then – was still feeling.

And Martin hadn't been expecting that. Danny could tell from the widening of his eyes before he looked away, the way his entire body became tenser. He sighed and moved slightly so that he was lying on his back, still pressed close to Danny. He turned though and met Danny's eyes, his fingers trailing up and down Danny's arm.

"I thought you had that figured out," Martin finally replied. He sounded wounded and resolved to what had happened, and Danny didn't think that was fair.

"So was I right?" Danny asked, the desire to protect himself putting a slight edge in his voice.

Martin's eyes darkened and he shook his head and Danny noticed his obvious frustration. The way he seemed at a loss as to how to explain things better. "No," he answered and for the first time, with that one word, Danny saw his own suffering over their break up reflected in Martin's eyes.

Danny waited, sensing that Martin didn't quite know how to go on, how to explain. He sighed, shutting his eyes for a moment and running his hand over his forehead and through his hair. When he met Danny's eyes again, Danny was struck by the honesty he saw there, the quiet desperation that Martin's entire being seemed to emanate. Danny swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to pull him closer – explanations be damned.

"I'd never felt anything even close to what I felt for you," Martin began, voice soft, as if he were to talk any louder it would shatter. "I meant what I said then," he went on. "It was never supposed to be serious. But you…you took it all wrong." He paused, frowning a bit, unexpected warmness when he reached out and ran his hand over Danny's arm, hesitating at his wrist, not quite sure, and then he laced his fingers through Danny's and held on tightly. Danny could barely breathe. "I tried to tell myself, almost from the beginning, that it was just a fling. But…it was so much more so quickly, and I was in over my head before I'd even realized what had happened."

"So why leave?" Danny whispered, not quite able to meet Martin's eyes anymore. He concentrated, instead, on the feel of Martin's fingers against his own.

"Because you frightened me," Martin replied in an answering whisper. Danny felt his breath catch as Martin moved closer, shivered a bit and shared the next breath with him. "Everything about you, about _us,_ scared me. It was so…so _real_ Danny," he was almost pleading now and Danny didn't know how to respond. He swallowed hard as he looked up and was met with that same desperation in blue eyes almost ten fold. "I'd never had anything like it and I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready for something so serious and intense and…Danny no one knew," he added, tone changing abruptly, something close to shame. "No one knows still."

And Danny didn't have to hear him say it to understand. No one knew that Martin was gay. He'd never told _anyone_ and Danny hadn't felt that kind of loneliness since he'd been sixteen…but he remembered how crushing it could be nonetheless. Martin was still living with it now, never mind Danny so obviously knowing. Danny had only been a teenager, fighting the pressures of school, his friends – or non-friends as the case may be – his culture. But somehow, Danny thought, it was probably even harder now, for Martin as an adult. Trapped and alone…too late to let his secret out. The longer he'd waited, the harder it had become. But it had to be Martin's choice, nothing Danny could force…not then with cruel words and desperate looks, and not even now with the unsteady – _but so good_ – relationship they were holding together.

Danny leaned in, arms wrapping all around the other man as he kissed him. Putting all of his understanding, compassion, want and need into the kiss. He needed Martin to appreciate what it was Danny wanted to give him, what he wanted for both of them. And so much in the answering response from Martin…desire, gratefulness, _need_. They couldn't keep it hidden forever, Danny knew that and he believed that on some level Martin knew that too. But he didn't force the issue, didn't ask where things were going this time. Maybe because he didn't want to know the answer, or maybe because neither of them were really sure yet. He just kept kissing Martin instead, wanting him closer, wanting to drown in him and have Martin do the same.

* * *

The weeks were passing slowly – something Danny was grateful for – and he and Martin continued to see each other, continued to get closer, no ending or resolution in sight. Sometimes it was easy for Danny to forget that Martin was engaged, that he was to be married in only a few short months. Other times it seemed to hover between them, but neither had the courage to actually talk about it. Those moments always ended in arguments or rushed, needy sex.

They were getting nowhere fast and Danny knew that _something_ had to be done. A decision had to be made – both by himself and Martin. The not knowing had been easier at first, but now it was slowly driving him crazy. He was falling in love all over again – no way to stop it – and he knew there was a very big possibility that he'd get his heart broken. Martin's feelings, however, were a little bit more difficult to discern than his own. There were times that Danny would swear he felt the same. From the way Martin looked at him or touched him, soft things he whispered, safe in the darkness of Danny's bedroom. But then he'd leave in the morning, always with a kiss goodbye, but never with that same emotion. And Danny wanted to bring it up, to ask Martin exactly where he intended this relationship to go, but every time he tried, the fear of the answer stopped him.

Martin's brief phone call to him at the end of the day had left him weary and upset. They were supposed to meet, _go out_ for dinner and then, inevitably, back to Danny's place. But Martin had called him to cancel, apologetic sort of shame in his voice. Danny had distinctly heard other people's voices in the background, soft music…he quickly made the connection that Martin was probably with his fiancée, friends and whoever else. He'd wanted to be angry, to snidely respond to Martin's soft apologies but instead he'd only agreed, told Martin that it was fine and had hung up – angered only when he'd found himself close to tears. Sitting at his desk, staring at the silent phone, _close to tears_.

"You want to grab something to eat?"

Danny looked up, Sam's soft, tentative voice startling him out of his misery. He met her eyes for only a second, remembering that his were probably too bright and seeing that hers weren't only sympathetic but nervous almost. It was as if she expected him to say no, had resolved herself to it already. And he only felt worse. Months had gone by now since Martin had first come back into his life and he'd left her behind as if she meant nothing to him. Still, he almost shook his head, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed, fall asleep and pretend that things weren't falling apart. And she'd started to turn, probably ready to walk away, used to the silence between them now.

"Yes," he said quickly, voice a little desperate. He blinked a few times, looking up at her and attempting a smile. He cleared his throat and stood up, switching off the light at his desk. "That'd be great Sam," he added, hating the way her eyes flashed quickly with surprise – and happiness, he thought – before she smothered it and went back to a blank, calm acceptance.

She nodded, looking unsure for a moment. "Okay then, I'll just…I need to get my coat."

Danny watched her turn away, walking the few steps across the room to her own desk, nervously making sure things were in order before she turned back to join him. They walked in silence to the elevator, saying good night to the few people they passed, remaining quiet on the ride down to the ground floor and all the way outside. Finally Danny turned to her on the sidewalk, smiling slightly, wanting to overcome the horrible awkwardness that was lingering heavily between them.

"Pizza?" he suggested tentatively.

She nodded. "Bishop's? Or Pat's?" she replied.

"Bishop's," he answered. She nodded again, their eyes holding for a few moments before she turned away and began the task of hailing a cab.

He cursed himself for what he'd let happen, hated how awkward their relationship had become. Time and time again he'd promised himself that he'd talk to her, tell her about Martin, ask her about herself…but he'd always made up an excuse or had been distracted and now he was regretting it more than he originally thought he would. Maybe it was all selfish. Maybe, after Martin's phone call, he'd been feeling particularly doubtful about the state of their relationship and had turned to Sam because he believed he'd need comfort eventually. But he'd like to think he was a better person than that, and that Sam meant more to him than just a shoulder to cry on. He wondered if maybe later he should suggest they go to one of the bars they had frequented on Thursday nights, but the thought left him strangely uneasy. That was before and now he wasn't sure they were on the same level.

They sat down in a booth near the window, ordered a large pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and bacon on it and once again, lapsed into an odd, almost painful sort of silence. Danny hated it that he couldn't seem to find any words, nothing to break the ice without sounding like he was trying too hard.

"How've you been?" Sam asked, startling Danny out of his thoughts.

He looked up from the straw wrapper he'd been playing with and met her eyes, unable to answer for a few moments, feeling oddly confused. It must have shown on his face because she started to laugh, a smile that brightened and lit up her eyes. Easily almost, she reached across the table and grasped his hands in hers, eyes soft now.

The words seemed to force their way out of him. "Sam, I'm sorry that I--"

She shook her head and squeezed his hands. "It's okay," she murmured, looking down briefly – a quick moment that left Danny with the distinct feeling that it was _not_ okay, not entirely anyway. They held each other's gazes for a few moments more, him still hovering on an apology, her smiling and trying to force them past this strange uneasiness. It was something new for both of them, because even before they'd become friends, when they were just coworkers, their relationship had never been this strained. She let go of his hands and sat back in her seat, sipping on her Diet Coke and watching him closely.

Danny shook his head and finally returned her smile, willing to let it all go for the moment. He really didn't have a choice. "I've been…good," he said, answering her question, not really wanting to go into detail. A part of him knew that if he did that she'd be comforting, but he didn't want to use the opportunity to make things all about him again. "What about you?" And, at last, his voice was sounding genuine to his own ears again. Because, despite his preoccupation with Martin and their relationship, he really had thought of Sam several times, wondered how she was, knowing that she kept too much inside and that he should try to get her to talk.

She must have noticed his concern because she looked away, still holding back and just as Danny was about to prompt her again she looked back and answered. "I've been better," she said, voice soft and sad.

"Jack?" he asked, his eyes darkening.

She shook her head, bit her bottom lip and then sighed. "In a way, but it's long past Danny," she said, sounding resigned and a little bit lost. Danny knew she still loved him, missed him and their relationship. It had always been a sore point with Danny the way Jack had almost used her, though he knew there was more to it than that. And he'd never really been able to get Sam to open up about any of it, but he'd known a lot of her feelings nonetheless. "I mean sometimes I…I really miss him, but mostly it's just a sad memory I can't really seem to let go of." She sighed again, eyes brightening briefly when their pizza came. They ate in silence for a few minutes, reveling in their late night dinner.

There was something in her eyes, in her words that told Danny it was more than just a sad memory. That something had happened again and Sam was entering into something she shouldn't be. Jack was divorced now, true, but things were still difficult. It wasn't the best time. Danny wasn't sure what the best time was, but he knew it wasn't now. Jack fresh from his divorce and from losing custody of his daughters…had Sam offered comfort and then come to realize that it was truly nothing more than that? He reached across the table and took her hand in his own, squeezing gently. She looked up, surprised and then quickly looked away, and he had to believe that he was right. A part of him wanted to scold her for a mistake she knew she shouldn't have made, but he quickly disregarded that, knowing how hypocritical it would make him. And God, did he know how hard it could be to resist the one you loved. Loved painfully, irrevocably and completely…despite the knowledge that it may not be returned in quite the same way. Or if it would ever come to anything.

"You're lonely," he finished, swallowing hard as soon as the words left his mouth. He certainly hadn't helped her loneliness lately. She nodded, eyes meeting his sadly. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I've been so preoccupied with Martin that…I'm sorry I pushed you away Sam, I really am." He didn't push the subject of Jack, didn't ask questions, because he knew it wasn't something Sam was ready to deal with yet. Just as he wasn't ready to deal with the very real fact that Martin might choose to walk away from him.

She regarded him silently for a few minutes and he watched uncertainty flicker across her eyes – something that pained him more. Finally she nodded, a soft smile on her lips, one that reached her eyes. Understanding mingled with relief in her expression and he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. When they'd become so good at communicating without words he didn't know, but he was glad to have finally cleared the air between them.

They stayed there for a few hours longer, talking and getting reacquainted almost. And when they finally left, late enough that they knew they'd be tired the next day, Danny felt lighter and more relaxed. Even going home, his apartment empty and no messages on his machine from Martin…he didn't feel as badly as he might have otherwise. Uncertain yes, but no longer so alone.

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

It was like a dream. Nightmare, really. He couldn't believe that any of this was real. Everything seemed to be tinged in red. Someone had given him towels to wipe the blood off of his hands but it didn't seem to be helping. Every time he looked down he still saw her blood covering his hands. Sam's blood. _God._

They'd been shot at in the street; the witness they'd been interviewing the intended target. Danny had ended up with only a few cuts and a blistering headache from where he'd hit his head on the pavement as he and Sam had ducked for cover. But Sam had taken the worst of it. Shot once in the shoulder and somewhere on her side. Too much blood for him to press back inside her. She'd met his eyes once, pain and fear plain to see before they'd started to go dull. And he'd yelled at her, begged her to stay with him while he'd tried to stop the bleeding and cursed the paramedics for being so slow. He'd gone with her in the ambulance. They'd stabilized her and sent her to surgery, leaving Danny with more questions than answers. They'd wanted to check him out too but he'd refused, calling Jack instead, plainly hearing the other man's hitching breath and unusually shaky voice. But he was stuck across town and still hadn't arrived. And so Danny was alone, still in the ER, waiting, unsure where to go or what to do.

He looked down at his hands again, mesmerized by the red tint he swore was still there. Nearly sick with worry and fear, the noise of the ER faded into a mindless hum and he was left alone with his terrified thoughts.

"Danny? _Danny_…"

He blinked and saw his hands turn their normal color again, looked up because he swore someone had called his name. And then there was relief, powerful and consuming and he wanted to cry. "Martin…" his voice came out as a whispered sob, almost collapsing when the other man led him slowly by the arm, away from the lingering sounds of the ER down a hallway into a quiet, empty room. He sat Danny down in a chair and knelt before him and only when Martin's hands touched his face, did he realize that Martin was speaking.

"Did you hit your head?" he asked softly, fingers clinical in the way they touched him, examined the cut on his forehead. Danny vaguely remembered someone in the ER cleaning & bandaging it. "Danny…?" he asked again, frowning when Danny only looked down. "Danny look at me," he said, voice still soft and strangely professional making Danny wonder if this was the voice he used with patients. He blinked and squinted at the penlight Martin shined in his face, requesting that he follow it with his eyes. He did as he was asked, only because it was Martin, and watched as the other man stood up and jotted something down on a tablet. "I think you'll be fine…but you can't sleep for a while in case there's a concussion," he murmured, still now, eyes almost wary as they looked at him. "I wrote you a prescription to get a CT scan but," a pause and a shaky sort of smile. "I know you won't want to get it now." His smile faded slowly, eyes still watching him and Danny realized that Martin was probably a little worried because he still hadn't said anything. But then Martin glanced towards the door, shut it, and turned back to Danny, kneeling before him again. This time his hands shook as they touched his face, eyes full of concern and what seemed to be fear. Within seconds he'd pulled Danny forward slightly and into his arms. "I heard what happened," he whispered.

And Danny finally collapsed, clinging to Martin, burying his face in the other man's neck and breathing in the comforting, familiar scent. "She…so much blood Martin," he said, voice trembling. "I couldn't stop it and she…she stopped breathing I think and I…there's still blood on my hands. I could…I felt her dying," he babbled, voice strangely high. He pulled back suddenly, hands on Martin's shoulders, fingers squeezing tightly. "Is she all right? Do you know? Martin…"

Martin shook his head, hands cupping Danny's face, pulling him close again so their foreheads touched. "No baby, I don't know," he murmured. And Danny's brain would've registered the endearment were he not so drained. "I was doing rounds and I heard a page for one of the trauma doctors who's a friend of mine. So I asked around and when I heard the details…two FBI agents, gunshot wounds I…God Danny I was so afraid that it was you. So I came down to the ER and saw you sitting there…" he trailed off, pushing his fingers into Danny's hair. "I promise you I'll find out everything I can. I'll have them keep me updated," he said firmly.

Danny opened his eyes and nodded, arms pulling Martin close again, wanting the warmth and safety his embrace provided. "Can we…can we check now?" Danny asked softly.

Martin pulled back a bit and touched his face, nodding. He stood up and pulled Danny with him, tucking the prescription for the CT scan in his pocket. "Of course we can," he replied. Eyes flashed with fear briefly and he pulled Danny close again, kissing him softly but desperately. And Danny returned the kiss eagerly, arms around Martin, taking comfort in his closeness and familiarity.

He led Danny out into the hall, his hand resting lightly on his back. He took Danny away from the direction of the ER down a quieter hallway. Danny waited, hovering close – because Martin's presence was comforting – while Martin made a few phone calls. Danny didn't really listen as the other man talked, too busy worrying. And yet he felt slightly better now, something he knew could be entirely contributed to Martin.

"OR twenty two? Yeah…mmm-hmm, so around two hours then?" A pause, and Danny stepped closer when Martin frowned, feeling uneasy. Martin's fingers grazed the back of his wrist gently and Danny was surprised, but grateful, when he grasped Martin's hand tightly and Martin didn't let go. "No, have him page me as soon as you know something. Yeah, thanks."

He looked up, meeting Danny's eyes, fingers squeezing Danny's hand. "It's going to be a little while before we know anything," he explained gently. Danny shook his head, eyes widening in fear because Martin's voice sounded strangely detached and unreadable. But Martin quickly stepped closer, brushing his other hand softly against Danny's cheek. "She's still in surgery," he said quietly, voice tender and warm again and he must've known he sounded too professional to Danny's ears. "It's going to take a little while…but she's remained stable and neither of the bullets were close enough to anything major to do _that_ much damage. I can't reassure you with anything definite, but I know those doctors Danny, I trust them. And they'll do everything possible to ensure her recovery."

Danny could only nod, still nervous, unsure and afraid. But Martin's words made him feel a little better at least on some level. He was surprised when he felt Martin pull him close again. Holding him tightly, hands gentle and soothing on his back, in his hair…all happening in the middle of a hallway. Danny quickly returned the embrace, closing his eyes and leaning more fully against Martin, accepting the comfort he was so readily offering.

"Let me take you upstairs to my office," Martin murmured against his ear. "I'll stay with you and so as soon as I get paged we'll know something's happened," he continued. "There's no sense in you sitting down here on some hard, old chair." He pulled back, hands on Danny's arms, and smiled slightly.

Danny could only nod, suddenly feeling exhausted. He was so thankful that the ambulance had brought them here, rather than to one of the other hospitals in the city. Martin took him by the hand, leading him slowly down the hall, back towards the ER. Just before they got there, Danny heard a voice he recognized shouting and almost pleading for information. He let go of Martin's hand and quickly crossed the hall to the nurses' station. He'd almost forgotten.

"Jack…"

"Danny? How is she?" Jack asked quickly.

Danny shook his head slightly and took a deep breath. He couldn't recall ever seeing Jack quite so…unnerved. "We don't know anything yet," he explained, surprised at how calm his voice sounded. But then it had always been easier for him to be the strong one. Being vulnerable was what he couldn't do, what he hated. "She's still in surgery," he added.

Jack only nodded, eyes darting around and landing on Martin before looking back at Danny. "Does he know anything?" Jack asked, nodding in Martin's direction, an odd look on his face.

Danny glanced over, not realizing Martin was hovering so closely. Under any other circumstances he would've grinned. "No Jack, he's…a friend. But he knows the doctors she's with and they're going to keep him updated," he said, feeling nervous suddenly. He watched silently as Martin stepped forward and introduced himself to Jack, shaking his hand and quietly explaining – in more detail – Sam's situation. To Danny's great surprise Jack seemed satisfied with Martin's explanation and thanked him. Danny had never really seen Martin in his element like this. It was kind of strange or different at least. Where Martin could normally be so shy, so unsure and introverted, here he was, an uncanny ability to reassure and inform without making impossible promises. And he did it so _easily_, calming Jack of all people without even a hitch in his voice.

"I'll let you know as _soon_ as I find anything out, okay?" Martin asked calmly. Jack nodded and thanked him again and Danny could tell that Jack had already sized Martin up and trusted him. Martin directed him to somewhere relatively private that he could wait and told him that he was going to take care of the cut on Danny's head. Something that had really already been done, but Danny doubted Jack noticed.

Wordlessly, Danny followed Martin down a maze of hallways, up two sets of elevators until they finally made it to Martin's office. Danny, starting to realize how worn out he was, quickly sat down on Martin's couch, watching as the other man shut the door, took off his lab coat and tossed it on a chair. He stared at Danny for a few moments, biting his bottom lip before crossing the room and sitting down next to him. Danny turned slightly watching as Martin was seemingly making up his mind about something.

It was such a contrast – the way Martin was looking at him now as opposed to the Martin who had just handled Jack so effectively. He was turned sideways on the couch now, eyes wide and a little too bright. Tentatively, he reached out, hand trembling, and ran his fingers over Danny's cheek, then to the back of his neck. It was quick and clumsy when Martin leaned closer to kiss him. A soft whimper from Martin's lips as they kissed, and Danny held onto him tightly, melting, drowning and for the first time since the gunfire had started he felt safe.

Martin's grip on him became more than a little desperate and Danny touched him softly, pressing warm, soothing kisses along his chin and jaw line, shifting them both so Martin was practically in his lap. "I was _scared_ Danny," Martin whispered, breath hot and shaky against his ear. Danny pulled back slightly, fingers brushing across his cheek. He leaned forward so their foreheads were touching and sighed softly. He wrapped his arms around Martin's waist again and shut his eyes.

"I don't want to lose you," Martin said quietly.

Danny could feel the nervous tension in his body but he didn't respond, couldn't really, because he knew the conversation would end up somewhere neither of them was ready to go, especially not now. So Danny kissed him again instead, hands creeping up his back, one pressing against the back of his head, making the kiss deeper, needing to push it to that point where he could barely breathe.

When they pulled apart again, breathing heavily, lips swollen, Martin met his eyes and Danny was surprised by the saddened look he found there. Sighing, he leaned back against the couch, pulling the other man with him. Martin clung to him, fingers moving gently over his upper arm, his head on Danny's shoulder, their legs tangled. "Do you really think she'll be all right?" Danny asked softly, resting his head against Martin's, closing his eyes at the feel of his soft hair. He ignored Martin's soft, frustrated sigh and waited, knowing exactly what he was doing. He appreciated Martin's fear for him, his worry. Appreciated but ignored it, because he couldn't deal with it right now. It could _only_ lead to their relationship, what it meant that Martin was so scared and didn't want to lose him. But that loss could mean so many things besides Danny's death from a bullet. And yet part of him wanted to face it head on, to confront Martin on his particular choice of wording.

_I don't want to lose you._

Frustrated, he shook his head and prompted Martin for an answer. He wouldn't make today about himself when Sam was fighting for her life. Sam, whom he'd ignored for months because of Martin.

"I think she has a very good chance of being fine," Martin murmured reluctantly answering. "I know it's hard," his voice more gentle after a few moments. "But there's really nothing else we can do but wait."

Danny nodded, yawning a bit. He shut his eyes and the two of them stayed still, lost in thoughts Danny was sure were very similar yet widely different. He wasn't sure how much time had passed as he sort of drifted in and out of sleep. But Martin sat up abruptly and Danny felt his hands on his cheeks, heard him saying his name, an edge of worry there.

He opened his eyes quickly as the worry registered and was faced with Martin's frowning expression. "Sam?" he whispered fearfully.

Martin shook his head. "No, I haven't heard anything yet." He got up and dug around in his lab coat, coming back to the couch and sitting next to Danny again.

Danny blinked and swatted his hand away when Martin shown the penlight in his face again. "What are you doing?" he asked, sounding cranky he knew.

"I can't believe I let you fall asleep," he muttered. "If you have a concussion…damn it Danny! Just follow the light with your eyes," he said, irritated. Danny rolled his eyes first and then did as he was asked.

"Well?" Danny asked, an edge to his voice.

Martin shook his head and narrowed his eyes. He stood up, walked over to his desk and picked up the phone. "This is Dr. Fitzgerald," he said tersely. Danny raised his eyebrows, curious now. "I need to order a CT scan. No, for right now…trauma, head injury. Yeah…ten minutes? Ok thanks." He hung up and turned to Danny, looking at him expectantly. "Let's go. Radiology's down on one. You'll be done in thirty minutes, tops. And I'll be right there so if I find anything out about Samantha I'll let you know right away," he said briskly. Danny frowned over the way Martin said _Samantha_, but before he could protest Martin held up his hand. "_Don't_ argue with me," he snapped.

Figuring it couldn't hurt, Danny stood up and silently followed Martin through the hospital again. Were he honest, he'd also admit to himself that it would give him a few minutes alone, something he suddenly felt he needed – Martin's words still repeating themselves in his head. _I don't want to lose you._

But by the time he came out of radiology – the results showed no concussion – he was no closer to putting the admission behind him than before. He knew Martin had been scared and he could understand that and sympathize, because he felt the same about Sam…would feel the same about Martin, were their positions reversed. But the rest was complicated, and it left him feeling uneasy. It was the timing of Martin's feelings that left him feeling doubtful. Danny had been shot at, could have very nearly been killed…that made things desperate. And feelings born out of such circumstances were rarely truthful.

They were walking through the hall again – Danny was starting to recognize the way – on their way to check on Jack when Martin's pager went off. Danny froze and Martin glanced at the number and then squeezed Danny's hand before walking more briskly down the hall to the nearest phone. Danny leaned back against the wall, not brave enough to follow Martin but watching him closely instead. A few nods, a frown, words Danny couldn't hear and then he hung up.

But when he turned around, there was a smile on his face and Danny felt his knees tremble. Martin walked over to him and gripped tightly to his upper arm, eyes warm as they looked at him. "Eric – that's my friend, Samantha's primary surgeon – says that everything went really well. No major damage, she'll have to recuperate for a while and there will likely be some accompanying pain, but she's going to be fine Danny," he said gently.

Danny slumped against the wall a little, hand coming out to grip Martin's gratefully. He swallowed hard, mouth dry suddenly. "Can I…can I see her?" he asked.

"I already asked that. They need to move her to a room first and then you can see her for just a little bit. She'll still be asleep though," he explained.

Danny nodded, relief washing over him. A strange sort of guilt mixed together with it and topping it all off his confusion over Martin lingered. So the resulting tears weren't really a surprise but they annoyed him nonetheless. What was surprising was the way Martin once again pulled him close, whispering words of comfort and running his hands up and down his back. Twice now, Martin had held him in the middle of the hallway. Anyone could see them…it made Danny's heart hope for things his mind was still firmly set against believing in. A soft kiss to the side of his neck and then Martin pulled back, smiling gently. "Let's go…I promised your boss we'd give him news as soon as I knew something." Danny nodded and followed him down the hall, still gripping his hand.

* * *

It was nearly three in the morning when he got home. Drained on all levels he barely made it inside, leaning up against the wall in his hallway and shutting his eyes. Martin locked the door behind them and gently led him by the hand to the bedroom. Danny yawned, eyes closing again as Martin began undressing him. Neither of them said a word, hadn't said a word since they'd left the hospital.

Danny had spent his time pacing with Jack, waiting for Martin to find out when they could see Sam. Jack reluctantly let Danny see her first, only because he'd been with her when it happened. He was told no more than ten minutes, which he'd adhered to both for her well being and because he couldn't stand seeing her looking so pale and vulnerable. He'd gripped her hand gently, fingers briefly coming up to touch her hair and he knew she'd be rolling her eyes if she could see him now. He'd smiled at the thought, whispering soft words to get better and that he was glad she was all right. He'd stayed away from apologies for the moment, not wanting to burden her with his guilt. He'd lingered a bit after that, watching from the window as Jack went inside, wondering where this put the two of them. Jack was shaken, more so than Danny had ever seen and while it was probably still a bad idea, a part of Danny couldn't help wanting Sam to get her happy ending.

He'd come away, finally, at Martin's gentle insistence that he needed rest and that he could come back tomorrow when she would most likely be awake. He knew Jack would stay all night so Martin left word that he was taking Danny home and to call if there was a change. Danny had seen the curiosity flicker in Jack's eyes, but thankfully the other man was too concerned with Sam to ask questions. And truthfully, Danny didn't care if Jack knew.

"Danny…" He looked up, saw Martin's gentle smile and felt his hand on his arm. "Come on, you're exhausted," he murmured, pulling him into bed.

Danny followed willingly, sighing as Martin shut off the lights and pulled the blankets over them. Instinctively he moved closer, kissing Martin softly as the other man's arms came around him. He was seconds from sleep and yet Martin's skin against his was warm and inviting, his fingers moving slowly and insistently at the back of his neck, down his spine. Danny pushed the kiss deeper, swiping his tongue over Martin's bottom lip and then into his mouth. Martin pulled him closer, a soft moan in the back of his throat, the one that drove Danny crazy. He'd give up sleep forever for that moan.

It quickly became frantic almost…the need to be closer, to touch as much skin as they could, to make the kiss deeper. And yet, it was languid and unhurried, Martin's mouth on his neck now, taking his time, his hot lips and tongue on Danny's skin, sending chills through his body. Danny slid his hands down Martin's back, to his hips, shifting slightly, pulling Martin more fully on top of him.

"Danny…" Martin whispered, his breath hot against Danny's throat. His fingers trailed over Danny's chest, down his arms, soft fleeting touches that only made Danny press him closer. He arched upwards, hips against Martin's, both of them hard now. They were kissing again, deeply, needy and selfish the way they sought each other out. Martin slid his hands between Danny's back and the mattress, pulling him upwards. Danny sucked on Martin's tongue, breaking away to move to his cheek, his jaw line, trailing down his throat with licks and kisses, lower still where he could make a mark no one would see. When Danny nipped gently at his skin, Martin gasped and ground his hips into Danny's, making them both moan.

Danny reached between them swiftly, his hand closing around Martin's cock, stroking him, loving the way Martin tensed against him, fingers gripping tightly to his shoulders. Martin moaned, mouth now sucking at Danny's throat, his shoulder, hands squeezing the flesh of Danny's hips. Danny stroked him slowly, loving the way Martin shivered every time, fingers flexing against his skin. He shifted slightly so their cocks were against each other, Danny stroking them both, biting down on his lower lip in pleasure. Martin whispered his name and kissed him again, the two of them struggling to be somehow closer.

"Want you…inside me," Danny whispered against Martin's mouth, his tongue running over the other man's bottom lip. He stroked them both again, hand squeezing gently, wracking them both with chills. Martin's eyes were black with desire and need as he looked down at Danny. He leaned away slightly, reaching for the drawer of Danny's nightstand, for a condom and lube. But Danny's hand followed his, coming out to link their fingers together. Martin turned back to him, a question in his eyes, and Danny just shook his head. "Please Martin, I…" he trailed off, not knowing how to voice his desire, or even if he should. It was such a sudden feeling, something he hadn't even thought much about until now. He wanted Martin inside him…no condom. It wasn't an issue of worry because he knew Martin had been tested, and he'd been tested…both of their jobs required it regularly. It was more the issue of what it would mean.

Martin's eyes widened as he took in Danny's meaning and he squeezed his hand, body trembling a bit. He licked his lips nervously and shut his eyes for a few moments. Danny expected denial, reason, an apology…anything but the willing acceptance he saw when Martin opened his eyes again. Blue eyes brimming with something Danny recognized but was terrified to put a name to, because he wasn't sure if it was real or only born out of the heat of the moment.

"You're…sure?" Martin whispered, his fingers soft and light on Danny's cheek.

Danny nodded, wrapping both arms around Martin's back and pulling him down to kiss again. Deep, hot, wet kisses…kisses he put all sorts of feelings into that he couldn't bring himself to say out loud. He took Martin's hand in his again and brought it to his lips, drawing one then another finger into his mouth and sucking on them, tongue laving the skin to make it wet. Danny moaned as Martin pushed those fingers inside of him, eyes watching him closely, watching the range of emotions that played out over Martin's face. He gripped tightly to Martin's shoulders, quickly wanting more than just his fingers inside.

"Please…" he begged, hand on the back of Martin's neck, pulling him down for another kiss. And then Martin was there, hands on Danny's hips, pushing inside him slowly – God, so slowly – and Danny suddenly found it very difficult to breathe. It was more this way, so _much_ more. He watched, seeing the sheer pleasure that flitted over Martin's face, mixed with some deeper emotion that he thought he might know the name of. White heat when Martin was buried inside him, more than he'd expected or thought about, brief pain that made the pleasure more potent. Flesh to flesh with nothing between them and Danny suddenly felt very vulnerable.

Martin pulled back slightly and thrust in again, leaning downward at the same time that Danny arched up to meet him, their mouths coming together in a brutal, consuming kiss. Danny wrapped his arms and legs around Martin, needing him closer, encouraging him with whispers and kisses to give him more – faster, harder. Neither of them could last long, not like this, yet Danny was sure he never wanted this to end. This blind and uncomplicated connection with the other man, something he'd only felt the surface of until now. And nothing else mattered except Martin inside him, Martin's body against his, arms around him…connected.

Danny came when Martin did, feeling Martin come inside of him, his breath catching, Danny's name falling from his lips in a way Danny had never heard him say it before. He moaned desperately, words he couldn't keep back mingling with Martin's name…a set of frantic whispers and desperate kisses.

They lay still for a long while after that, neither willing nor able to move even though they were sticky and sweaty and Martin was slowly growing heavy on top of him. But Danny's limbs were still liquid when Martin pulled out of him, slowly getting up off the bed, coming back minutes later with a damp towel, cleaning Danny off and then settling down next to him. Danny turned, eventually, wanting nothing more than sleep and Martin's arms…both of which came easily and quickly.

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Are you all right?" Sam asked, frowning as she looked up at him from her hospital bed.

Danny sat in a chair at her side, leaning forward a bit. He shook his head and smiled lightly. "Shouldn't I be the one asking _you_ that?" he asked. Her frown deepened and she tried sitting up a little to which she could only wince and collapse back into place with a frustrated release of breath. "Sam!" he said, sounding almost angry. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to sit up genius," she snapped. "I hate this," she said angrily.

He sighed, reaching out, slipping his arm around her back and pulling her forward slightly so he could put another pillow behind her. "Is that better?" he asked, voice gentler now.

She nodded, taking a few moments to fix her blankets, none of which needed fixing really, but Danny knew she wasn't quite ready to meet his eyes again. He knew she was feeling vulnerable and helpless, both of which she hated – especially the latter. And even though it had only been four days since she'd been shot, he also knew she was ready to leave the hospital.

"So, what's wrong?" she asked, bringing them back to the beginning of the conversation.

He shook his head, forcing a smile that he knew she'd see past, but it was all he could manage at the moment. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just a little worn out from all of this," he said, waving his arm as if to indicate her getting shot, their successful hunt to find the shooter, the stress of the whole situation…that night with Martin.

She narrowed her eyes again and reached her hand out, gripping his own more firmly than he'd expected. "Don't lie to me, what's going on?" she asked, a small sliver of fear in her voice.

Sighing he looked down for a minute before meeting her gaze again. "It's nothing to do with you or your recovery or anything," he said firstly, wanting to ease any of that fear out of her.

When he didn't continue right away she squeezed his hand. "Danny…what did he do to you?" she asked, voice soft, calm…dangerous.

He looked up with a surprised smile on his face; his eyes giving away what he was sure was pain. He shook his head again. "It's nothing Sam, really. I don't want you to worry about it, you need to think about getting better and--"

"Stop it!" she said heatedly. "I'm so sick of everyone saying that. Doctors and nurses and random well-wishers from work and _Jack_ so…so don't _you_ say it too. I _am_ thinking about getting better. But I'm perfectly capable of thinking of other things at the same time," she said, eyes flashing, voice sharp, leaving no room for argument.

He nodded solemnly, releasing her hand and sitting back in his chair, sighing softly as he looked first out the window and then back at her. "The night you were shot he…well he found me in the ER and he stayed with me until we found out your condition. In fact he made sure the doctors that were doing your surgery paged him and gave him the details as soon as it was over." He paused, hating the images from that night that flashed in his mind. She waited patiently, watching him. He took a deep breath. "He took me home, he took care of me, he…he told me how scared he'd been, wondering what might have happened to me. He told me he didn't want to…lose me. And then I…" he stopped, breathing deeply, not sure how to continue.

"You what Danny?" she prompted after a few moments.

"I changed everything. I…" he paused, lowering his eyes nervously. "I convinced him to have unprotected sex with me…and we did and…" stopping again, he stood up and walked over to the window, his back to Sam. She was quiet, waiting. When he finally turned around he had his arms crossed protectively over his chest, his eyes saddened. "I think I may have pushed things too far," he said, voice trembling slightly. "Because since then he's barely spoken to me."

"Is he still getting married?" she finally asked, voice colder than he'd expected.

He could only nod. "As far as I know. We don't really…talk about it."

Sam sighed, looking frustrated. "Danny, what are you doing?" she asked, voice full of disapproval. Danny frowned, not appreciating her tone of voice. "Do you expect him to risk everything to be with you?" He looked away, hurt by her words…hurt more by the truth behind them. "I know you…care for him," she said, stressing the word _care_. There was much more to his feelings for Martin than that but he didn't comment. He figured she already knew that anyway. "And I suspect that he probably cares for you, but…do you really think he'll give everything up to be with you?"

And that was the question Danny wasn't prepared to face, hadn't been since he'd started this relationship with Martin again. It was too obvious what Martin's choice would end up being. Whether or not he'd be truly happy in his choice didn't matter. It was what was _expected_, and Danny couldn't hope to compete with that.

He shook his head and met her eyes again. "Probably not," he answered sadly, voice wavering a bit. "I just…I don't know Sam. I've been hoping for a while now and…" he trailed off again, not sure how to finish.

"Make him stay," she said simply, eyes locked with him, not allowing him look away. "Danny, make him realize that nothing is more important than you, that he wouldn't be happy with anyone else, that the life the two of you could have would be amazing."

He looked at her for many long minutes, pondering her words, listening to his heart, which was silently agreeing…pleading with him actually. Eventually he looked away, smiling slightly, realizing how sensible and easy her words sounded…yet he didn't quite know how to make them into a reality. He also didn't think that she really believed them herself. She didn't trust Martin; that much he knew with certainty, but he appreciated her willingness to try. He knew she wanted him to be happy. "I'll try," he said softly, not really sure what he meant, not at all sure on where to go next, on _how_ to make Martin realize what he knew was painfully obvious. But he wasn't one to give up without a fight.

Sam smiled and closed her eyes, settling back against her pillow. He came closer again and took her hand in his own, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "Get some rest," he whispered. She nodded, murmuring her assent. "I'll be back tomorrow."

He left, her words echoing in his mind. He'd known that sooner or later he would have to force the issue with Martin. He'd have to force him to make a decision. But Danny still wasn't entirely sure which option Martin would choose. They were running out of time though and despite his fear of the answer, Danny decided that he needed it, one way or another.

Finding Martin was easy. He went to the nearest nurses' station and asked to have him paged. He'd been thoroughly prepared to flash his FBI Badge if necessary, but the nurse he spoke with only nodded and reached for the phone before he could even grab it. When Martin appeared, minutes later, Danny immediately steered him away from the desk, walking him partway down a hallway, giving them some semblance of privacy.

"I need to talk to you," Danny said, voice just this side of desperate, yet determined nonetheless.

Martin glanced around nervously and then met Danny's eyes again. He was uneasy, that much Danny could tell, yet his eyes were also full of apologies. "I can't right now," he replied softly.

Danny shook his head. "I know that," he said quickly. "Come to my apartment tonight."

"I have rounds until late," Martin murmured, biting down on his lower lip.

"I don't care how late it is," Danny replied, reaching out and squeezing Martin's shoulder. "Promise me. Tonight," he said, knowing it was close to pleading and not caring.

Martin's eyes shown with nervousness, with anticipation and regret. He wavered a bit, leaning forward slightly until Danny thought he might touch him. "I promise," he whispered, eyes sincere as they held Danny's gaze for a few moments.

Danny nodded, tempted to pull him close and kiss him but he settled for squeezing his shoulder again and then reluctantly stepping back. "I'll see you later."

Martin nodded, lingering a bit as if he had something else to say. Danny watched the indecision flicker through his eyes, surprised when he felt Martin reach out and quickly squeeze his hand before walking away.

* * *

It was nearing midnight when Martin finally showed up at Danny's apartment. A part of Danny had feared he wouldn't come, but he had seen the sincerity flash in Martin's eyes, had felt it in the uncharacteristic way he'd squeezed Danny's hand, and so he had trusted and waited. But the longer he had to wait, the more nervous he'd become. Everything he wanted to talk with Martin about tonight had the potential to end badly. There were decisions he knew he was going to have to force, and despite the way they'd become closer and closer with every passing day, Danny still wasn't sure what Martin's choice would be.

Martin kissed him hello, arms wrapping around Danny and not letting go for a few moments. When he finally pulled back he smiled nervously and looked around, restless, eyes searching out some sort of answer in Danny's hallway. "Is it okay if I take a shower first?" Martin asked, blurting out the question with a little more desperation than Danny had expected.

"Sure," he replied, nodding, trying to swallow his anxiety. "Are you hungry?" he asked.

Martin shook his head and stepped back. "Nope, I ate something at work a few hours ago. I'm…fine." He turned then and walked back the hallway towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Danny sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as he heard the water start to run. He sat down on his couch but only stayed for a few moments, unable to sit still. He paced the length of his living room, went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator looking for nothing in particular. There was no way he could eat anything as nervous as he was and Martin had already claimed to not be hungry – something Danny really didn't believe, but he figured Martin was probably just as anxious as he was.

Finally, Danny heard the water shut off and he made his way back into the living room, forcing himself to sit on the couch again and wait. What seemed like an eternity passed before Martin came out of the bathroom, now changed into track pants and a t-shirt, hair damp, feet bare. Danny watched as he paused at the entrance to the living room, fidgeting slightly, biting on his lower lip. But then he took a deep breath and came closer, sitting down next to Danny and turning to face him.

They were both silent for a few moments, neither sure where to begin or even how to. Surprisingly though, it was Martin who spoke first, startling Danny out of his thoughts and forcing him to realize that they were finally going to have this conversation.

"You want to talk about the wedding, don't you?" Martin asked, voice soft and tentative, his blue eyes giving away his apprehension.

He was sitting close enough for Danny to touch him, so he did just that. Reaching out, smiling, despite the seriousness of the situation, when Martin met him halfway. Somehow they ended up in each other's arms, shifting here and there until they were comfortable on the couch, close, but enough room between them so their eyes could meet.

Danny nodded, swallowing nervously. "Yes," he finally replied, voice a little hoarse. "I…I need us to figure this out." He paused, uncertain, and brought his fingers to Martin's cheek, proud to see that they weren't shaking. He touched him gently, shivering a little and leaning closer. "I don't want you to marry her," he admitted in a soft voice, surprised by the words, the hopeless pleading he hadn't expected to show. He'd gone over this conversation in his mind for much of the day but had never intended to let it start so desperately.

"Danny…" Martin began, uncertainty flashing in his eyes.

But Danny shook his head and pressed a finger to Martin's lips. "Just hear me out, okay?" he pleaded. Martin nodded and Danny took a deep breath. "I know that you're scared," he began softly. "I know what it will mean for you to give that life up and be with me, I do. But Martin this…this is _so good_," he said earnestly, motioning back and forth between the two of them. "Can you really spend the rest of your life with her? Would that make you happy?"

Martin quickly looked away when Danny fell silent, but he shook his head in response. "No," he whispered, surprising Danny in his honesty. "But there's so much more to it than that Danny." Gently, Danny turned Martin back to face him; Martin's eyes were full of uncertainty when he looked at Danny. "I don't know how to change everything," he went on. "It's like I've lived two lives for such a long time that changing all that would be…" he trailed off, not completing the thought. "I want to stop lying to everyone, to come out, to admit the truth but…_God Danny_!" he exclaimed, voice full of fear. "It changes everything, and I can't be sure that my whole world won't fall apart."

He sounded lost and fearful, and Danny wasn't quite sure how to comfort that. He knew what he could offer. Himself, their relationship…love. As for everything else, Danny knew that Martin was, at least partly, correct. Things could fall apart for him. From what little Danny knew of Martin's family, he knew how strongly they'd disapprove of having a gay son. In fact, Danny suspected, that was a very big reason that Martin had never come out in the first place. And it wasn't as if he'd have to tell everyone he worked with, but things had a way of getting out. And being that most of Martin's coworkers already knew he was engaged, for him to break it off would warrant an important reason. Not to mention that Martin's father also worked at the same hospital. No, things could get ugly fast, of that Danny was quite aware. But he also firmly believed that were Martin to stop lying, to stop hiding…that he'd be happier.

Tentatively, Danny ran his fingers through Martin's hair, wanting Martin to look at him again, but not quite sure how to ask. When Martin did look up his eyes were sad, apologetic, and Danny had to swallow over the lump in his throat. "I want to be with you Danny, I do," Martin said earnestly. He touched Danny's cheek for a moment, leaning forward until their foreheads were touching. "But I don't know if…if I know how," he said, voice little more than a whisper.

Neither of them said anything for a while, staying still, holding each other. Never moving from their current position, Danny finally broke the silence. "What are you going to do?" he asked quietly. He felt Martin sigh, felt his fingers tremble as they touched his cheek, but Danny refused to open his eyes. He couldn't force Martin to choose him, to choose their life together.

"I…I just need a little more time," Martin said softly, his tone hurt, worried. "I just…I need to figure all this out. What I'm going to do and…please Danny, let me have a little more time…" he pleaded, fingertips softly tracing the line of Danny's jaw.

Danny finally opened his eyes, pulling back a little and looking at Martin. The look in those blue eyes stole his breath, because there was fear and desperation there yes, but for the first time, Danny finally let himself see what had probably been there all along. Hidden…but there. A love that Martin was all too afraid of, but love nonetheless. And it was probably a mistake for him to comply and to give Martin the time he was asking for. It was only going to drag things out longer, to leave them hovering in this strange sort of limbo. Yet, Danny found that he couldn't say no. Martin was trying. That was something Danny firmly believed – or hoped for anyway. And despite it probably being the healthier choice, Danny refused to push him away.

He nodded, watching as relief filled Martin's face. He felt Martin's body go slack in his arms, smiled softly as Martin leaned closer, nuzzling his cheek and neck, pushing himself more firmly into Danny's arms, seeking safety. Something Danny was all too willing to provide. He kissed the top of Martin's head and held him close, hands running up and down his back.

They stayed that way for a long time, simply holding one another and wishing away the world outside. And Danny _knew_, knew with certainty, that they hadn't made any progress, but for the moment – with Martin lying quietly in his arms – he couldn't bring himself to care.

It was later though, as Martin slept soundly in Danny's bed, exhausted from a long day at the hospital as well as from the emotional upheaval of their conversation, that Danny found himself unable to sleep. Softly, he slid out of bed, watching Martin silently for a few moments, a sad sort of smile on his face. He crept out of his bedroom, back into the living room, pulling on a pair of shoes and a gray hoodie, grabbing his cell phone at the last moment, and then carefully climbing out onto the fire escape.

He breathed in the chilly night air, the coolness helping to clear his head and let him think. He hoped that he'd made the right decision, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that told him he hadn't. Danny believed that beneath it all – beneath the fear and anxiety and wariness – Martin loved him. He'd seen it in his eyes, felt it in the way he touched him. More importantly, when Danny had needed him most – after Sam had been shot – Martin had been there for him without question. Comforting, close and calming in the way he'd taken care of Danny and had done everything in his power to find him answers and results. And he'd done it all without pretense or secret. Danny smiled to himself as he remembered the way Martin had held his hand, had touched him gently, had even hugged him in the hospital. Where anyone could see them and pass judgment or start a rumor. When it had mattered most, Martin had let his true feelings show and had forgotten everything else.

Yet, at the same time, Danny didn't trust Martin to always be there for him. It killed him, having to admit it, but he wasn't sure Martin had the strength or the ability to overcome his fears. His fear of disappointing his family, of ridicule, of uncertainty. Where Martin could be so strong in his work, in his morality, in his kindness…he was also horribly insecure.

Sighing, Danny shut his eyes for a moment, pressing his fingers to his temples and trying to ease the stress that had settled there. It took him a while to make the decision, but once he'd started to dial the numbers he felt just a little bit relieved.

"Hello?"

Sam's voice was sleepy and low and Danny paused for a moment, frowning. Even though he'd dialed the numbers to her hospital room, it was still a surprise to remember that she was _in_ the hospital. Recovering. Lonely. Tired. He thought for a second that he probably should have let her rest.

"Hello?" This time her voice was more awake, impatient and irritable now.

"Sam, it's me," he said softly.

"Danny?" She paused for a second and he wasn't sure what to say next. "Is something wrong?" she asked finally. He saw her struggle to sit up in his mind's eye, concern flitting across her face.

"I'm not sure I did the right thing," he said slowly.

"What happened?" she asked after a few moments, her voice soft.

"I…" he shivered as the cold more firmly permeated his skin and drew in a shaky breath. "He asked for time, and I…gave it to him," he said softly, voice trembling slightly.

For a while, he didn't get an answer and he knew she was struggling with what to say. He trusted her to care, but she was not what he would call overly sympathetic. She saw the way things should be done – in her mind – and she rarely understood another option.

Finally she responded, and he could tell she was holding back as much as she could. "What on earth does he need more time for?" she asked tightly.

Danny sighed again and shook his head, forgetting that she couldn't see him. "To figure things out, to make his…choice." As soon as he said the words, he realized that it was a mistake.

"His choice?!" she asked, voice rising slightly in her incredulity. "Danny…Danny, he's playing with you," she murmured, her tone now an odd mixture of sympathy and impatience.

He shook his head. "No Sam, he's not," he said softly, firmly. "He's…confused and scared, but I know that he--"

"What?" she interrupted. "He _loves_ you? Danny, I…I know you're not that naïve."

He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that suddenly stung his eyes, and pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to fight off the cold, night air. "He does love me," he replied softly. "I know he does Sam."

His voice quivered slightly, but he said it with a fierce conviction, one that he fully believed. He had to. The thought that Martin was only using him was too unbearable to even contemplate. She was silent for a while, having heard the resolve in his voice and not wanting to argue with it.

"Why did you agree to give him more time?" she asked after a while, putting aside the issue of Martin's feelings. Danny knew that she would continue to believe that Martin didn't love him. It wasn't something he'd be able to convince her of easily.

"What was I supposed to do? Push him away? Stop seeing him?" he asked, voice rising. He felt his throat constrict and he swallowed hard and took a deep breath, fighting the hysteria that threatened to overwhelm him.

"I thought you were going to force the issue. To make him choose. God knows he's had _plenty_ of time to think things over," she responded. "And the wedding is in what? Two months?"

"Three," Danny responded miserably.

"And you've been together how long?" she asked, exasperated.

"Almost six months," he replied.

"And before that?"

"Eight months."

"With two years in between," she added. "And he needs more time? He's just making excuses Danny. I'm sorry to point out the obvious cliché, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do you honestly think that, with three months left before his wedding he's going to abandon the life he's known forever? That if you give him just a little more _time_ that he's going to change everything for you?" she asked, voice angry again. "I think he likes the idea of getting what he wants from you, all the while knowing that he can keep it hidden and secret and no one ever has to know. And he can end it any time he likes," she paused for a moment and Danny knew she was choosing her words. "I think he likes using you."

"He's not that cruel Sam," Danny protested, his own anger bubbling slowly to the surface. He knew Sam meant well, but she didn't know Martin as well as she thought she did.

"Isn't he?" she snapped. "He's playing you Danny. He's never going to give up his comfortable, easy life to be with you."

"It's not easy!" he exclaimed. His eyes flashed furiously as he pressed the phone more firmly against his ear. "You have no idea Samantha," he hissed. "No idea what it's like to have to hide your sexuality, to fear the ridicule and disappointment and prejudice of those around you because of something you have no control over."

"It's not something _you_ hide," she quipped.

"Don't I?" he asked quickly. "At work, do I go out of my way to make sure everyone knows I'm gay?"

"No, but--"

"Don't judge him for still being in the closet," he snapped, angrily interrupting her. "Just because _I_ came out when I was a teenager doesn't mean that everyone is the same. It's not something I can force, not something _anyone_ can force. It's Martin's decision…with or without a relationship, and it's not something you can possibly understand."

His breathing had quickened considerably as had his heart rate, and he tried his best to pause for a moment, to let his anger drain away before he said something regrettable to her. He knew Sam cared for him, that she hated how unhappy he was, and normally her protectiveness of him warmed his heart. Furthermore, he knew that Sam was the last person to be prejudiced, to look down on him or _anyone_ for being gay…but this was something different. Something she honestly couldn't understand. Not fully.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly after a few minutes of silence between them. "I…" she paused for a second and cleared her throat. Danny could picture her perfectly in his mind. Flustered, eyes wide and apologetic, biting down on her lower lip, her hands moving nervously. "It's…it's not my place to judge him," she murmured. "I just…don't want you to get hurt again Danny."

He sighed and shut his eyes, the last of his anger draining away. "I know Sam. And I appreciate your concern. Just…if something goes wrong, I…" his voice wavered, not wanting to think about the possibility of Martin hurting him again. "I'll come to you, okay?"

"You'd better," she murmured, and he could hear the small smile in her voice.

tbc


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Danny's optimism over his decision started to waver quickly. Not a week after Martin had asked for time did he let Danny down for the first time. They had made plans for the evening…dinner out and then the night in at Danny's. But Martin called him at work to cancel.

"I'm sorry Danny, I just…there's some things that can't wait at work and we're short a few people so…" he trailed off, voice wavering enough to let Danny know he was lying.

It was on the tip of his tongue to call him on it, to force the issue and make Martin tell him the truth. Danny was quiet for a few moments, straining to hear the noise in the background of Martin's phone call. It didn't take long for him to hear laughter and a woman's voice calling Martin's name. He squeezed his eyes shut, fingernails digging into the palm of his hand.

"Danny?" Martin's voice was desperate now, and Danny knew he wanted an answer as quickly as possible.

"Okay," he responded simply, his heart breaking just a little bit.

"I'm…sorry," Martin repeated, softer this time, full of hurt. And an unspoken guilt.

"It's fine Martin. Good night." He hung up the phone without waiting for a response and had to stop himself from throwing it across the room. Danny knew exactly what Martin was doing. Lying, avoiding…hiding. But Danny had known this was a possibility. Had known and had tried to deny it would happen.

He turned off his computer and left the growing stack of reports on his desk for another night, knowing he wouldn't have the concentration to do anything with them now. He buttoned his coat, grabbed his bag and left the office without a word to anyone. Had Sam been there, or even Vivian, he might have pleaded with one of them for company, but he was alone and decided to stay that way.

He walked aimlessly for a while, welcoming the cold air that slowly began to seep through his coat. He wasn't surprised to end up in Central Park because it was somewhere that often afforded him the ability to think without distraction. However, he was surprised when his thoughts drifted not to his current situation, but instead to something earlier. Happier.

"_Where are we going?" Martin asked nervously, lingering in Danny's hallway, reluctant it seemed to come too far inside._

_Danny smiled warmly at him and handed him a bag full of takeout. "Upstairs," Danny answered. "To the roof."_

_Martin had frowned slightly, looking confused, and he'd opened his mouth to ask a question, but Danny had already turned away to grab the rest of what would be needed for their dinner._

_It was their second date. The first had been at a restaurant for a late dinner. Late, only because they'd both gotten stuck at work. Danny with a case that had taken longer to solve than he'd anticipated, and Martin with an emergency at the hospital that he hadn't _

_been able to leave. Almost immediately, Danny had sensed Martin's unease as they'd shared dinner and awkward conversation that night. Danny had quickly taken in the way Martin's eyes had darted around anxiously, how he'd slouched in his seat and had avoided all eye contact with their waiter. Martin's attraction to him was easy to recognize, but at the same time, Danny had been quick to pick up on his nervousness in their actual dating._

_The night had not gone well. It had been painfully awkward, and Martin had bolted as soon as he was able, thanking Danny quickly for dinner, hailing a cab and hurrying away, back to the safety of his apartment. Back to the shell he'd so carefully crafted around himself._

_Danny had wanted to be angry, but as he'd walked a few blocks from the restaurant, he'd forced himself to understand. It was easy enough to figure out that Martin hadn't come out yet, that he was nervous about someone seeing him with Danny, that he wasn't ready to face those consequences. But underneath it all, Danny had sensed the same overwhelming attraction to him that he, himself felt for Martin. So he had been willing to take things slowly, to try again._

_Martin's obvious surprise at Danny's phone call the following day had made him laugh. "I want to see you again," Danny had said, smiling to himself._

"_You…you do?" Martin asked, sounding incredulous._

"_Yes Martin. Are you free this Thursday night?" he asked, purposely making their date for a weeknight, wanting to ease into what he hoped would turn into more._

"_Um…Thursday, I'm, uh…yes," Martin stuttered, fumbling over his words, and Danny was sure he was blushing._

"_Great. Why don't you meet at my place around six and we'll go from there?"_

"_Okay."_

_The risky part had been the whole 'meeting at his place' aspect, but the earlier time must have balanced things out. He smiled to himself as he hung up, eagerly anticipating their date._

_He led Martin out of his apartment and up the two flights of stairs to the rooftop. Earlier, he'd set up a simple table and some lawn chairs, deciding against candlelight, wanting to make things as non-threatening as possible. He wanted to put Martin at ease, to get to know him better, and have Martin comfortable enough to want to get to know him too. After much thought, Danny had realized that it was never going to happen on a date out at a restaurant or a bar. He wasn't one to hide his sexuality – not that he went out of his way to broadcast it either – but he didn't consider this hiding. He knew he couldn't force Martin to do something he wasn't ready for, but it didn't mean he didn't still want to see him. The attraction Danny had felt since that first moment he'd laid eyes on him was still as strong and undeniable as ever, and Danny refused to give up so easily._

_Martin paused as he took in the table before them, realizing what they were doing. What Danny had done for him. "You don't want to…go out?" he asked softly, eyes downcast first, then looking up slowly._

_Danny smiled warmly and shook his head. He walked over to the table, motioning Martin to follow him. "What I want," he said as he set down the glasses and utensils he'd been holding, "Is to get to know you better." Gently, he took the bag of food from Martin's hands, smiling at him and taking out the containers of pasta, salad and garlic toast. Martin had stared at him for a few moments, biting down on his lower lip and looking uncertain. Danny knew Martin didn't quite trust him, didn't quite understand his reasoning behind the evening. He wondered over Martin's previous experience with dating. Danny knew enough to assume that most of those dates had been with women, that any real experience Martin may have had with other men was probably limited to evenings like their first date – in which no one would have ever tried for a second one – or drunken college encounters or random nights in bars. It was lonely, and Danny had already glimpsed that loneliness in Martin's eyes._

_He wanted to be different. He wanted to show Martin what he was missing._

_Despite Martin's nervousness, the evening had gone smoothly. Better even. Danny had reveled in the way he'd been able to get Martin to open up and talk. Their conversation was light and tentative at first, but as the evening had progressed, they'd shared aspects of their history with one another, talked about their jobs, about friends and shared interests. Once Danny had put him at ease, Martin had come out of his shell and had talked about even more than Danny had expected._

_They had ended that evening with a kiss, something Danny had definitely spent time thinking about and wanting, but hadn't truly expected to receive. They were standing, side-by-side, near the brick wall that surrounded the roof, leaning against it slightly and looking out at the nighttime city. When Danny turned to face him, Martin had been closer than he'd expected, his eyes shy, his cheeks slightly flushed. Danny smiled gently and stepped slightly closer, into Martin's personal space, watching as the other man shivered slightly and then looked up and met his eyes. Danny felt his breath catch in his throat, could hear his pulse rushing in his ears because Martin was beautiful here, now. Martin had captured his interest, had made him laugh, and he knew there would be more nights like this one._

_Cautiously, Danny reached out and brushed his fingers over Martin's cheek, through his soft hair, resting on the back of his neck. He felt Martin tremble under his touch, but he didn't pull away. He drew in a shaky breath, hand coming out to tentatively grip Danny's upper arm. Danny smiled softly again, and leaned in closer, brushing his lips across Martin's, wanting to see if he resisted at all. But Martin sighed, warm breath against Danny's mouth, and put a small amount of pressure into the kiss. Danny shook slightly in relief and kissed him more firmly, still careful not to go too fast, lips moving slowly over Martin's, his other hand coming around Martin's back and pulling him closer. And Martin responded in turn, shivering as he wound his arms around Danny's shoulders, stepping more fully into Danny's embrace and kissing him back. Danny whimpered softly when Martin opened his mouth, gently pushing his tongue past his lips and touching Martin's tongue, tasting how sweet he was. Knew in an instant that he'd want more. Always. And when they broke away they were both trembling, and Martin wasn't the only one to draw in a shaky breath and sigh nervously._

_Danny touched his fingers to Martin's cheek and drew back slightly, smiling at Martin's dazed expression, licking his own lips and laughing a little. When Martin returned his grin he felt giddy and happy and full of that warmth that comes only with a new relationship. _

_Martin said goodnight soon after they'd taken the dishes and garbage back to Danny's apartment, but it was with a soft request to see Danny again, and Danny had nearly giggled over how well the night had gone. He knew he had to continue this slow pace with Martin, had to slowly earn his trust and his desire for more, but after one evening, after one kiss…Danny knew it would be worth it._

Sighing, Danny shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut over the tears that welled up in his eyes. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he dropped his head into his hands. Shivering and alone, he sat for hours on that park bench, wondering what he was supposed to do now. Did he continue to trust Martin? To hope that the other man would put an end to his false engagement and finally commit to him? Or did he end it all? He wanted to go on believing in Martin, trusting him and trusting that Martin loved him the same way Danny loved Martin. But the situation was getting desperate, hurtful…and Danny knew a decision was quickly looming. One he could have forced earlier. One he still wasn't sure he wanted to, because as more time passed, his belief in a happy ending was growing smaller and smaller.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Danny asked softly. He sat up slowly in bed, sheet around his waist, watching as Martin gathered up his clothes from the floor. It was only three-thirty in the afternoon. A Saturday.

Martin had come over late the night before after a long day at the hospital, practically falling asleep in Danny's arms as he'd pulled him inside. Danny had smiled warmly, tucking Martin into bed and crawling in next to him – even though he wasn't tired – and pulling him close. He'd spent a good portion of the night thinking, reveling in the feel of Martin in his arms and just watching his lover sleep. The weeks were passing much too quickly and panic was beginning to overwhelm him. With each passing day, every time Martin let him down or made some excuse for them not to see each other…Danny knew full well why. He was spending time with Caroline. Their wedding was fast approaching, and Danny often tortured himself with what Martin was doing. Picking out china, shopping for furniture, finding a place to live together. It was driving him mad. And he berated himself endlessly, wondering how he'd let himself become such a doormat. Why he was willing to be Martin's hidden secret, his shameful secret…his _secret_ period. He knew he should confront Martin, should force the issue and _make_ him choose. He should've done it a long time ago. But for the first time in his life he wanted to hide. He was _so_ afraid of losing Martin, of getting his heart broken…again. Yet if they continued on in the way they were now, Danny knew that was going to happen. He was trapped.

"Hospital," Martin answered, not meeting Danny's eyes.

Danny didn't say anything as Martin quickly left the room and went into the bathroom. Dread started to bubble up inside of him, uncontrolled and cold. He got out of bed and pulled on his boxers and a pair of track pants, listening with a heavy heart as he heard the shower start to run. He reached across the bed and grabbed Martin's pager off of the nightstand, carrying it with him into the living room. His heart ached painfully as he thought again of the previous night.

Martin had been exhausted and had fallen asleep almost instantly. But they'd woken up in the middle of the night – near morning actually – Martin reaching for him, kissing him softly, sleepily…full of feelings he rarely showed as easily when he was fully awake. They'd made love slowly, barely a sound between them, saying everything instead with their eyes

and with their touches. Martin had whispered Danny's name as he came, never looking away from his eyes, clutching him close. They'd held one another afterwards, not speaking, just lying in each other's arms. Danny had never felt so close to him and when they'd kissed again, it had been on the tip of his tongue to murmur his feelings. To tell Martin that he loved him. But that was his last line of defense. Admitting it would leave him completely open…even more vulnerable than he already was.

But sitting alone on his couch now, heart aching, he finally admitted what his mind had known for a long time. He was losing Martin. No matter that Martin _knew_ he wouldn't be happy with Caroline, that his life with her would be a lie, a sham…empty. And Martin had even admitted that. But for the first time, Danny's faith was all but gone. Maybe Martin really wasn't as strong as Danny wanted him to be. He'd always believed that deep down Martin would come through, would admit his true feelings and the life he _really_ wanted. Now though….

"Will you be gone long?" Danny asked softly, sensing Martin in the living room. He didn't look up.

"I…I'll call you on…Monday," Martin whispered, fidgeting nervously.

Danny's fingers tightened imperceptibly around Martin's pager, knowing he couldn't leave without it. He still didn't look up, didn't meet Martin's eyes. "You promised me the weekend," Danny replied quietly, careful to keep the desperation out of his voice.

He hadn't seen Martin all week. The two times they'd made plans Martin had cancelled. But he'd called Danny from the hospital on Friday, asking to come over after rounds. Danny knew it would be really late, but he didn't care. And Martin had told him, softly, over the phone, that he wanted to stay the weekend. All Danny could think of was that sometime after that phone call Caroline had called Martin and had produced some plans for Saturday and Sunday. And obviously Martin had agreed.

"I'm sorry Danny…I forgot about this conference and I have to give a speech and…"

"Just…go," Danny said quickly, interrupting Martin's stuttered words, preventing him from having to lie anymore.

"Danny…" Martin said softly, stepping closer, a pleading tone to his voice.

"What?" Danny snapped, standing up and finally meeting Martin's eyes.

Martin looked down, biting on his lower lip and stepping back slightly, away from Danny. Danny waited; saying nothing, cynically curious to see if Martin would apologize or just try to stammer out more excuses and lies.

"I'm sorry," he finally whispered, looking up, tears shining in his blue eyes.

Danny could only nod wearily, hating Martin's sadness and unshed tears, but no longer sympathetic enough to comfort him. "Here," he said, defeated. He stretched out his arm and gave Martin his pager.

Martin stared at him for a few moments, eyes moving from Danny's face to the pager as if he were unsure what he should do. The sadness in his eyes only intensified when he finally made up his mind and gingerly took the pager from Danny's hand.

Danny said nothing, only swallowing hard as he watched Martin turn away, shoulders slumped. In a quick move that he couldn't stop Danny stepped towards him, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him around. He pulled Martin into his arms, gripping him tightly, and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching.

"Don't go," he pleaded brokenly.

"Danny…" Martin whispered, blinking back tears, arms coming up to return Danny's tight embrace.

"Stay…please," Danny begged.

Martin trembled, arms tightening around Danny, pulling them closer together. Danny kissed him softly and he felt rather than heard Martin whimper, felt him collapse just a little bit.

"Stay…" Danny repeated, desperate.

Martin kissed him again, lips pressed firmly against his own, tongue seeking out the warmth of Danny's mouth. "Yes," he whispered harshly, lips on Danny's chin, his jaw, pulling him closer, pressing nearer, so desperate and panicked that it made Danny ache. "Yes," he said again. "I'll stay."

Gently, Danny removed his coat, murmuring softly for Martin to step out of his shoes, which he did obediently, leaning into Danny, following his every move. Danny pulled him to the couch, settling them both until they were lying side by side, facing each other, wrapped tightly in one another's arms.

They lay quietly for a while, Martin's head tucked beneath Danny's chin. Gently, Danny threaded his fingers through Martin's hair, his other arm tightly around his waist. Danny felt him still trembling slightly, heard his breathing finally start to even out, and he waited. He hated the panic that so easily overwhelmed Martin. It had happened before, and it always left Martin shaky and defeated. It made Danny more protective than normal, and above all it made him wish that Martin would find the courage and the strength to come out.

It was the hiding – both of his sexuality and their relationship – that was killing him. Every minute of every day he was lying to someone about some aspect of his life, and it was too much. And Danny knew that coming out wouldn't be easy for Martin. He wasn't so naïve as to think that all of Martin's problems would magically vanish. No, it would be difficult and draining, but Danny firmly believed that it would give Martin a sense of freedom that he lacked now. And they would, after all, have each other.

"Danny?" Martin's voice was quiet, tentative almost.

"Hmm?"

"What...what happened when you...came out?" he asked hesitantly.

It wasn't a question Danny had been expecting, but he knew he had to answer carefully. When he didn'trespond right away, he felt Martin's grip on him tighten, felt his body tense with uncertainty. Quickly, Danny pulled him up slightly so he could look into his

eyes. Smiling softly, he put his hand on Martin's cheek and kissed him. He felt Martin relax and sigh against his lips.

When they broke apart, Danny's hand slipped to the back of Martin's neck, fingers moving absently through his hair. "It was different for me Martin," he said softly, looking into troubled blue eyes. "I was sixteen."

"I know, but..." he trailed off, frustrated. Danny knew he wanted some sort of specific answer, something to ease his fears and make things simple. But that wasn't something Danny could give him, no matter how much he wished that he could.

"It was hard," Danny answered. "I was living with my...third foster family then. The Murphy's," he murmured, eyes darkening as the past slipped in from where he kept it safely tucked away. It wasn't easy for him to talk about the past...his childhood, his adolescence. None ofit brought up very good memories. "They were decent enoughpeople, but I wasn't close to them, didn't really trust them...I didn't really trust anyone at that point," he went on. Martinkissed him lightly, eyes full of sympathy and a certain guilt for bringing up the past in the first place. Danny leaned into the touch, grateful, and pulled Martin just a little closer.

"I think I did it partly out of…defiance," he said, looking downward, caught between a past he didn't really want to remember and the need to let it go. "More and more they were pissing me off. Hassling me about grades, which was pointless because I did well enough in school despite not going half the time. Setting ridiculous curfews and…" he paused, looking back into Martin's eyes and smiling slightly. "Just typical stuff that would piss off any teenager." Martin smiled back and nodded, though a part of Danny doubted Martin had ever purposely done anything to rebel against his own parents. "So I…well, we got into this fight one evening because I wanted to go out. I'm sure I didn't have any real plans other than drinking too much and doing something stupid," he said, eyes darkening slightly. He felt Martin's careful response in the way he brushed his fingers over Danny's jaw and neck, his eyes softening in sympathy. "I'd been going out a lot lately so they asked me if there was some girl I was seeing. I told them no, but they didn't believe me. The fighting only escalated because I was…" he paused again and couldn't help laughing a little, small smirk decorating his lips.

Martin smiled back and kissed him quickly. "Let me guess…you were insolent and bratty," he murmured tenderly.

Danny laughed again and nodded. He took a second to just look into Martin's eyes and let the moment wash over him. It was so easy. The two of them, lying together on his couch like this. Holding one another, talking, pausing to kiss and laugh occasionally. His heart ached at the picture it presented him with. It was something he wanted so desperately, but he wasn't sure what else he could do to make Martin want it too.

"So I managed to draw out the worst in them," Danny went on, continuing the story. "There were lots of things said that I didn't mean and that I'm sure they probably regretted. But eventually Mr. Murphy warned me not to get whatever trashy girl I might be seeing pregnant. And I yelled back that he wouldn't have to worry about that because I was gay." He stopped for a few minutes, remembering that moment and how overwhelming the resulting silence had been.

"What happened?" Martin asked softly. Martin's eyes were anxious for more and Danny knew that what happened next was what he really wanted to know more about. Not

that their situations were in any way similar. But it was important to Martin to know, and Danny couldn't deny him that.

Danny swallowed hard and shook his head slightly, pulling Martin a little bit closer. "They were stunned. Angry too I think, but not right then. It's not that they were some sort of right wing conservatives who went to church all the time. Hell, I'm not even sure that they believed in God. They were much blander in their beliefs. They had friends, were involved with the schools, the community, never really putting their conviction in one certain thing. All that middle class suburban stuff that people often aspire to have. My being gay – the sixteen-year-old foster son that they probably didn't even _really_ want – was just not something they wanted to deal with. I ran away a few weeks later, and by the time social services found me again, I knew I wouldn't be going back to the Murphy's house."

Martin's face had paled considerably, and Danny watched carefully as emotions flitted through his eyes. After a few minutes he kissed Danny again, arms tightening around him, lips pressing Danny's mouth open to make it deeper. And Danny tasted apology and sadness and Martin's need to comfort him. The same emotions in anyone else Danny would have interpreted as pity, and he would end up pulling away and losing his temper. But in Martin, he knew they were genuine. And ultimately, maybe that was why he was willing to be so patient with Martin, to hide with him, _for_ him. Because Martin – without ever having said it – loved him in some way that no one else ever had.

"For me though," Danny went on after a few minutes, his voice trembling just a little bit from Martin's kiss. "It was kind of freeing, telling them that I was gay. I mean, I'd known for…for a while. The few friends I had knew, but…actually telling someone, admitting it out loud, was new for me. It was frightening on some level, because I knew I couldn't take it back. Didn't want to," he rushed on. "Still though…at that age, it was kinda scary to admit to something so permanent and real. But it was also a relief to not have to hide anymore."

Martin regarded him with a careful sort of curiosity, and Danny knew there was more he wanted to ask. More he wanted to ask but wouldn't. Danny couldn't help but wonder if his story had helped or hindered Martin's situation. He wanted Martin to see that hiding had been harder, but at the same time their circumstances were so different. And it was hard to explain something so abstract.

"Why do you want me to stay with you?" Martin asked softly, his voice little more than a whisper. A good ten minutes had passed after Danny had stopped talking and they'd lain still and quiet in one another's arms. Danny knew Martin was thinking things over, but he hadn't expected this question. At all.

"What?" he whispered, putting his fingers below Martin's chin and tipping his head upwards so he could look into his eyes.

"Why do you want me to stay with you?" Martin repeated, voice a little louder now, trembling slightly. "I'm…a coward," he went on. "I can't stop hiding from everyone, from myself. And I…I keep _hurting_ you because I'm too damn afraid," he said, voice rising, nearing hysteria. "And I just can't understand why you…why you still want me. Why you haven't just…just…" he broke off, unable to continue. His eyes were shining brightly with unshed tears, full of hurt and guilt and pain, and Danny only wanted to comfort him.

He pulled Martin closer when he started to cry, tears slipping down his cheeks, sobs escaping his lips. Martin gladly buried his face against Danny's neck, clung to him and

cried. And Danny let him, knew it was good for him to let go of things that he kept inside far too much.

Eventually he pulled back a little and looked up, meeting Danny's eyes, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. "Danny?" he whispered, voice still trembling, eyes still wet and rimmed in red now. "Why do you want me?" he asked again.

Danny was surprised. He hadn't thought that Martin _really_ wanted an answer. But it made sense, and it only intensified Danny's sorrow. Seeing Martin so upset, so miserable; and to watch him fall apart like this…it hurt more than Danny could explain. Hurt more than his own pain over the state of their relationship. He wanted to comfort Martin, more now than ever. He wanted to make him understand why he was so special, so important to Danny. He wanted to boost Martin's low self-esteem, feed his self-confidence, which was – and always had been – lacking.

"I love you," Danny answered simply.

"You…do?" Martin asked tentatively. Danny hated how surprised he sounded, as if he didn't believe it were possible. That no one before had ever loved him so why someone should start now was difficult for him to understand.

Danny nodded and kissed him gently, running his fingers over Martin's cheek. "Yes, I do," he replied, smiling softly. "I love you," he repeated, wanting Martin to hear the words more than once, to know that they were true.

Martin's eyes widened as he took in Danny's expression and read the honesty there. He swallowed hard and pulled Danny closer, pressing their lips together in a warm kiss. Danny knew what he was doing…trying to put those same feelings into his touch because saying them out loud would be far too real, far too frightening. And Danny had to believe that there were in fact feelings, that Martin loved him too. When they broke apart Martin looked at him silently for a few moments, and Danny watched as his eyes flickered in confusion and wonder. He saw him trying to figure things out, trying to – at last – make his choice. But moments later, he settled closer to Danny, tucking his head beneath his chin and holding him tightly.

Danny sighed and kissed the top of his head, running his hands over Martin's back. He didn't know what else he could do. He'd played his final card, had told Martin that he loved him…had laid bare those feelings completely. And Martin hadn't responded…at least not with the same words. The words that Danny desperately wanted to hear. Even more than that though, he wanted Martin to stay, to once and for all choose Danny. But he just didn't think Martin would now…or ever. Squeezing his eyes shut he held Martin tighter, desperate to keep him as close as possible, even though it was obvious he was slipping away.

tbc


	8. Chapter 8

FYI: It was very hard to find a place to split this & the next chapter into, well 2 chapters. In my mind they should probably be together asone, but then it would be like a 20 page chapter which isn't fitting with the rest of them so if it seems like a rather abrupt ending that's why.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

When he woke up later that evening Martin was gone. Shivering, Danny stood up and called his name, the answering silence of his apartment the only response. Carefully, he made his way to his bedroom, hoping that for some reason Martin would be there. But no matter where he looked it was obvious that the other man was gone. His shoes and coat were gone, his pager…he had left.

Danny had told Martin that he loved him, and Martin had left.

Something snapped inside of Danny and he felt a familiar sort of emptiness begin to rise up inside of him. He didn't let himself think as he pulled on a pair of shoes and a different shirt, grabbed his wallet, keys and jacket. As he walked hurriedly down the street, he let the pain of what had happened radiate through him. Everything was crashing down around him and he could only think of one way to make it stop. Something dangerous and grave and something he hadn't contemplated so seriously for a very long time. He felt empty inside. Yet he was also burning…a hot, uncomfortable sort of panic flooded his chest, making him ache. 

He was trembling as he stepped inside the bar, the familiar smell of smoke and alcohol hitting him hard. He felt nauseous and he wanted nothing more than to turn around and bolt, to run as far away as he could before he made such a large and practically irreversible mistake. It was dark and strangely private though…both things that he needed. The small voice screaming in his head persisted, desperate and pleading, begging him not to do this, not to start this again. 

It was terrifying.

But he had to stop the panic he was feeling. Had to dull the knife that was ripping out his heart. He wanted to be numb to feelings all together, because it was all too painful, and he'd been suffering for far too long. Martin's leaving tonight was just the catalyst.

"Double Jack…straight up," he ordered, voice hoarse and low. It was hard to get the words out, harder still to watch the drink being poured and set in front of him. He laid his money on the bar and picked up the glass with a trembling hand. Craving solitude he walked towards the back of the bar, finding an empty booth in the corner. He was grateful for the darkness, the gloomy and smoky air surrounding him, cutting him off from everyone else and leaving him blissfully alone.

It was what he wanted…or so he told himself. He set the drink down on the table in front of him and let his fingers run up and down the side of the glass. The amber liquid was so tempting and he knew exactly how easy it would be to pick it up and toss it back. How good it would feel, burning hotly and smoothly as he drank it down. And then he could have another, and another…until everything would melt away and he'd be left with nothing but oblivion. The pain would be smothered with the alcohol and he could finally rid himself of his heartache.

But as he sat in the booth, the dimness and familiar sounds of the bar surrounding him, staring solidly at the glass before him, his mind started to drift. And even now he couldn't escape…couldn't let go. Not unless he picked up that drink….

_Martin's breathing was shaky and Danny held him close, running his hand through his sweaty hair, over his back and up between them across his chest, coming to rest over his heart, which was still beating frantically. _

"_Okay?" Danny whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to Martin's lips._

_Martin could only nod, his eyes wide, a little fearful, but hazy with lingering pleasure. He pushed closer to Danny still, his arms tightening around him, their legs tangled. He inhaled deeply and buried his face in the crook of Danny's neck, releasing his breath as a small sob._

"_Hey…Fitz?" Danny pulled back a little ways and tipped Martin's chin up to meet his eyes. His heart constricted in his chest at what he saw in Martin's eyes. It was a jumble of emotion, of things he wasn't used to feeling and Danny could easily detect the mixture of elation and fear. He kissed Martin gently and wrapped his arms more fully around him, pushing one of his legs between Martin's. He held him tightly and went on kissing him, slowly, softly…wanting to surround him._

_It had been their first time making love and Danny knew what a big step it was for Martin. Because he knew Martin had only truly been with one other guy, and he also knew that it had pretty much been a one-night stand…not something Martin had dealt with well. But what he knew Martin didn't seem to understand was how important this had also been to Danny._

"_I'm sorry," Martin whispered against Danny's lips._

"_Sorry for what?" Danny asked. Danny continued to hold him tightly, their heads settled close on the same pillow, looking into one another's eyes. Gently, Danny brushed his knuckles over Martin's cheek, watching carefully as Martin tried to gather his thoughts._

"_For…I don't know," he answered, frustrated. "Danny, I didn't know it could be like that," he whispered quickly. His eyes pleaded with Danny to understand and he pressed himself closer. "I feel like I want to be closer to you even now," he said. "And when you were inside me it was…I wanted to crawl beneath your skin and just stay there. I couldn't get enough…" he said, looking lost._

_Danny kissed him again, trying his best to pull him closer. "Martin…I still don't understand what you're sorry for," he said, smiling softly._

_Martin frowned and shook his head. "For…this!" he said, voice trembling a little. Danny sensed his sudden panic and he kissed him gently, wanting to calm him down. "For…panicking now," he whispered into the kiss. "For not wanting you to let me go…"_

"_Fitzie…" he murmured affectionately. "You think this didn't affect me? I may have more…experience than you, but Martin…" he paused and shook his head, struck by how hard it was to put all of this into words. He'd expected their first time to be special, to be hot and amazing…he hadn't quite expected how shaken it had left him. "It's never been like this before," he whispered. He pressed his hand to the side of Martin's neck and looked into his eyes. "Believe me. I've never felt so connected to someone as I did with you. I loved being inside you," he went on, voice low now. He held Martin captive with his gaze and simple touch of his fingers on his neck. "Watching you beneath me, the way you looked up at me, eyes glazed over, so desperate…so beautiful, all flushed and sweaty…God Martin…" he stopped, feeling warm all over. Needy suddenly, Danny kissed him deeply, whispering _

_his name again when they broke apart. "And I just wanted more baby," he added. "Wanted to stay that close to you…part of you…"_

"_Danny…" Martin kissed him, running his fingers through Danny's hair and relaxing against him, apparently having heard what he'd needed to hear. He smiled when they broke apart this time, settling himself closer, tucking his head beneath Danny's chin and sighing._

_Danny smiled and kissed the top of Martin's head, settling more comfortably back against the bed and pulling the blankets over them. They lay quietly for a while and by the time Danny thought to ask Martin if he was all right again, Martin was already asleep. Shifting slightly, Danny glanced down at him, smiling at the small smile that decorated Martin's lips and at the way his fingers stayed curled around Danny's arm even as he slept. _

_This night had been a long time coming. It had taken lots of time and patience on Danny's part to get Martin to open up to him more and more, to be more comfortable with him, to share things with him…and to earn his trust. But it had been worth it. It had been so much more than Danny had ever expected, and while he'd had to put on a brave face for Martin's sake, their lovemaking had shaken him up more than he'd wanted to admit. He'd realized just how far in over his head he was. And he didn't want to get out._

He pressed his fingers tightly to his lips, a small sob escaping. Recoiling, he pushed the drink as far across the table as he could without knocking it to the floor. There were tears in his eyes as he stood up, ducking out of the bar – whose environment was now stifling – as quickly as he could, feeling nearly sick. Once outside, he leaned back against the cold brick of the building and breathed in deeply, the chilly New York air clearing his head. And as his thoughts became clearer, the enormity of what he'd almost done hit him hard. But his heart had yet to catch up with his mind, and he still wanted some sort of comfort. 

By the time he made it to Sam's apartment he was crying. He rang the buzzer and said her name softly when she answered, his voice trembling.

"Danny?" she replied, worry coming across in her tone even over the intercom.

"Sam…" he couldn't seem to form any other words besides her name, but she buzzed him up almost instantly.

She was waiting at the top of the stairs for him, eyes wide and full of concern. He tried his best to smile at her, wondering if he'd woken her up – it was later than he'd thought – but his attempt wasn't successful and his face crumpled as she reached for him. With soft, soothing words she pulled him into her apartment and shut the door behind them. Gently – gentler than he thought Sam would be capable of – she unbuttoned his coat and took it off, murmured for him to step out of his shoes and then pulled him towards her couch.

He'd been here before of course but everything looked different. It was dark, save for the flickering television, the curtains were drawn and there was a blanket shoved into one corner of the couch. Obviously, she'd been resting, probably near sleep when he'd called. She still wasn't back at work, was still recovering from the shooting, and Danny hadn't really let himself realize just how much he'd missed her.

She pulled him down with her onto the couch, reaching out to push the mute button on the television remote. It seemed to take a moment for her to decide, but she pulled his pliant body into her arms and covered them both with the quilt. Her comforting touch and soothing softness told him she knew why he was so upset. Maybe not completely, but she knew it had to deal with Martin. He took a deep breath and tried to make himself calm down, but it was useless. His breath came out as a sob and she tightened her arms around him, one hand coming up to smooth through his hair. Danny shivered when she pressed her lips to his temple and murmured his name.

"What's the matter?" she asked softly.

He couldn't help the way he clung to her, couldn't help the tears that continued to fall nor the aching in his heart. "I went to a bar and ordered a drink," he admitted, voice shaking. He still couldn't believe what he'd almost done or _why_.

Her body stiffened and she pulled his head up to where she could look into his eyes, her palms on either side of his face. "What?"

Danny shut his eyes and felt her brush her fingers over his cheeks, wiping away the tears that still lay there. "I almost…almost took a drink," he whispered shamefully. "I…I didn't though, but…fuck, I was _this_ close Sam!"

She frowned and pulled back a little; he knew she hadn't been expecting this. She'd expected him to tell her that Martin had left him, that Martin had chosen Caroline and their engagement. But Danny's confession came as a surprise. "Because of Martin?" she asked, and Danny could hear the way she fought not to hiss the words. He saw anger, fury almost flash in her eyes and he knew why.

He nodded reluctantly. "I told him that I love him," he whispered. "When I woke up he was gone." The story in the simplest of terms.

"And you let it get to you," she said, voice soft and dangerous.

"I told him that _I love him_ Sam! He didn't say it back; he tried to show it to me, but…when I woke up…he had _left_! Everything just…broke and I was so tired of hurting. I wanted to make it stop," he said. He could feel the tears starting to build in his eyes again and they were falling before he could even try to hold them back.

She bit down on her lower lip and shook her head. He could tell she was fighting not to say something she'd regret or that would start an argument between them. Instead she sighed and hugged him tightly again. "I'm worried about you Danny," she murmured.

He didn't have an answer for that, but he relaxed a little bit more into her embrace, needing the comfort. Before he could stop himself he started to tell her the rest of the story. Everything that had led up to his declaration of love. Martin lying again, begging Martin to stay, telling Martin how he came out, and then telling him that he loved him. 

"I think I've lost him Sam," he finished softly, his voice trembling with tears again. It hurt even more to say the words out loud. "For good this time. And I don't…I don't know what to do now." His tears fell freely as she pulled him close, murmuring soft words and trying her best to ease his pain.

"He's a fool Danny," she told him, her fingers running softly through his hair, her voice warm against his ear. "And a coward. And I can only hope he regrets this decision for the rest of his life," she said, her voice soft yet full of conviction. "I have half a mind to--"

"No Sam please," he begged, sitting up a little and looking into her eyes. "Please just leave it alone; I don't want you to confront him."

She shook her head and sighed. "Fine, but only if you promise me something."

"What?"

"That you won't let this, let _him_, put you anywhere near a drink again," he said, a hint of pleading in her tone. "He doesn't deserve that."

He nodded slowly and took a deep breath. They lay quietly together on her couch for a while, Sam holding him close and trying her best to offer comfort. Danny reveled in her closeness even if hers wasn't the embrace he really wanted, his tears coming here and there. Eventually he fell asleep, completely exhausted, part of him wishing that tomorrow just wouldn't come.

* * *

A couple of weeks went past, and Danny heard nothing from Martin. He was subdued and quiet, spending several hours of overtime at work because it was distracting if nothing else. It also kept him out of an apartment that was filled with memories. He probably would've worked himself sick except that Sam made it her mission to watch over him. She forced him to go home, to eat and to spend time with her. Oftentimes they ended up at her place, and while occasionally she'd annoy him with her concern and attempts to cheer him up, mostly he was grateful. But no matter what kinds of distractions he placed in front of himself his thoughts would inevitably drift to Martin at some point during every day. It wasn't something he could stop or control. The worst was waking up alone. If he wasn't at Sam's he'd be home alone, waking up in an empty bed that he'd shared with Martin for a majority of recent nights. And no matter how much time passed, or how many times he told himself that Martin was gone…waking up without him was still a painful shock.

Danny knew it wasn't going to work now. It broke his heart…worse than the first time they'd broken up. This was different…it had been more this time, and still he'd lost. But he knew he'd have to see Martin again at some point. He'd left things at Danny's apartment, but more importantly Danny _knew_ him. And Danny knew Martin's conscience would eat at him…wouldn't allow him to just walk away without saying goodbye.

Sam had told Danny that she'd be stopping by as soon as she went home to shower and change. She'd forced him to leave work over an hour ago, telling him that she'd pick up some takeout and meet him at his apartment. He had to wonder when she was going to tire of taking care of him, when she'd start trying to convince him to move on and get over it all. 

When he heard the knock on the door, he dropped the TV remote on the couch and walked to the door, smiling despite himself because Sam's company usually cheered him up, at least to a point. But when he opened the door it wasn't Sam's half-smile and clear eyes that he was greeted with. It was Martin.

"Hi," he said softly, shyly. He shifted nervously on his feet, eyes unreadable as they met Danny's.

Danny said nothing, unable to form a sound let alone intelligible words. His heart ached painfully in his chest and it took all he had to stop himself from reaching for the other man. In the same breath, he also had to stop himself from slamming the door in Martin's face. Two weeks he'd been gone, had left without a word and now here he was, on Danny's doorstep, looking as if….

"Can I come in?" he asked quietly, expression hopeful.

Danny could only nod, stepping aside to let Martin inside. He had no idea what to do, what to say…he hadn't expected this. He'd expected Martin to come back at some point but not until after he was married. Furthermore, Danny had fully expected him to call first, to make their interaction as minimal and painless as possible. But Martin seemed…happy. Nervous to be sure – Danny could easily identify that in the way Martin was fidgeting and rocking back and forth on his feet. Still, Danny was unable to form any words, but he motioned Martin into the living room. And easy, wasn't it, to sit down next to each other like nothing had changed. Martin was buzzing with nervous energy, smiling even, and Danny couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking…and why he was here.

"Martin…"

"I broke off the engagement."

The words were soft, spoken quickly, but filled with genuine conviction. Martin's eyes were calm, full of a peace and confidence that Danny had never seen before. And Danny was shocked…numb even. His heart was fluttering wildly in his chest, and it took everything he had to keep himself from pulling Martin into his arms. He wasn't quite sure how to handle this, didn't know if he could trust Martin's words. Yet so much told him it was true. Nothing more than Martin's eyes and his soft, anxious expression.

"Danny…" his voice was a little desperate, anxious. And Danny could imagine why. This was what Danny had wanted for _so_ long and yet he'd said nothing. If Martin only knew what he'd been through the past couple of weeks.

"You…you broke things off?" he asked, voice cautious.

Martin nodded, sighing a bit, his face lighting up with a soft smile. He moved slightly closer and Danny's heart ached at Martin's hesitance, the way he reached out to Danny and tentatively touched his arm, sensing that something wasn't quite right.

"I…I told her the truth Danny. I told her everything. That I couldn't marry her, that there was someone else…that I'm gay." His voice was soft, but also so firm and determined. There was a strength and a confidence there that Danny hadn't heard before. Yet he could sense Martin's desperate need for acceptance now…how he seemed to be seeking Danny's approval and praise.

His heart was aching, begging him to pull Martin into his arms, to kiss him and whisper his gratefulness against Martin's lips. It was right in front of him now…everything he'd ever wanted, and yet he was holding back, uncertain. It wasn't that he didn't believe Martin – because he knew Martin and he knew that he would _never_ lie to him about this. 

But he was still feeling shaky and scared over everything that had happened since the last time he'd seen him.

"Where have you been?" Danny asked, finally finding his voice. He hated the way Martin's face fell just a little, how guilt crept into his eyes. But Danny was unable to let go and he hated it.

"I…I didn't mean to just run away Danny. I'm sorry," he said, eyes wide, voice suddenly a little less sure.

"So…where did you go? Did you go straight to Caroline's?" he asked, hating himself. He couldn't stop his cold words or his flat tone of voice.

Martin shook his head. "No, I…I had to think first. After what you told me…" he trailed off and took a deep breath. Again Danny had to fight against his desperate urge to hug him. He seemed so different from the Martin he had known for so long…yet at the same time, his vulnerability still shown through clearly.

"I'm sorry that I left without saying anything to you," he murmured. "It…well, I should've at least told you what I was doing or left a note or something, I know. But I just needed to be alone, and once I got away there was no way to tell you."

"Why didn't you call me?" Danny asked softly, his carefully controlled emotion slipping out a little, coloring his voice.

Martin slid a little closer, hand trembling slightly as he reached out and touched Danny's cheek. And Danny didn't freeze or turn away; he couldn't. He let Martin touch him, leaning closer even. He wanted so desperately to let Martin hold him. "I thought about it," Martin answered. "But I just couldn't. Danny, you've always…you've always made me feel so safe, and you've let me hide. If I would've called you, if I'd heard your voice, I would've come back…and you would have let me."

Danny wanted to argue with him, and already he found himself frowning. But what Martin said was undeniably true. Danny had wanted so desperately for Martin to come out, to fight for their relationship and to stop hiding. But at the same time, he had always wanted to protect him. He'd sheltered Martin from so much, and for the first time he was beginning to understand that he'd been as much of a hindrance as an aid in making their relationship work.

"I had to get away, just for a little bit, had to be on my own and really think," he continued. "So I went home, stopped at my father's house and borrowed his car. I drove out to Jersey, to the beach, just north of Wildwood where it's not so crowded. It was past midnight by the time I got there but I just sat on the beach and thought. I thought about everything Danny. About you and I, about Caroline, about everything I was so afraid of, about what I'd be giving up, what I'd be gaining. It was the first time I'd really let myself think about it all – really and truly think, without any interruptions or excuses. When the sun rose, I took a walk along the water – which was freezing," he said, smiling slightly. Danny couldn't help but smile in return, waiting patiently for Martin to continue.

"For the first time Danny…I pushed past all of my fear and worry and what I was supposed to be for _other_ people. Instead I just…for once in my life, I focused on myself. On everything _I_ wanted and _I_ needed." He paused for a moment, swallowing nervously and 

clearing his throat. "Danny, I let myself really think about the future…about what kind of life I was going to have. One with Caroline or one with you."

Gently, Danny trailed his fingers over Martin's forearm, his wrist and the back of his hand. He threaded their fingers together and felt Martin tremble and then squeeze his hand tightly.

"Danny…"

"Keep going Fitz," Danny prompted softly.

Martin nodded and squeezed his hand again. Danny could tell how grateful he was for the touch. It seemed to calm him and give him strength. And truthfully, Danny felt much of the same. He couldn't help shivering, noticing the look of intensity he saw in those blue eyes. So much there that Danny had never seen before, that Martin had never _let_ him see – or had even let himself feel.

"Marrying her was expected. It would be easy, it would complete the picture…it would be _normal_. Danny, all my life I've wanted to find normal, to _be_ normal," he said earnestly.

"But Martin, everyone's definition of normal is different," Danny murmured.

Martin nodded. "I know. But I wanted to fit in…with my family, with that whole circle; and I just never understood why it was always so hard for me. Or why I always seemed to be such a disappointment no matter what I did."

Danny's heart ached for him, for the hurt he heard in Martin's voice. And none of this was new – these were all things Danny already knew. But still…it hurt. He wanted nothing more to be able to take that pain away; he always had.

"Marrying Caroline seemed easy. It was something I could do and then…well it would be normal. We'd get married, have careers and a family and…" he trailed off, pausing to take a deep breath, biting down on his bottom lip. "The only problem was…you," Martin said softly. "There had been a few guys before you, but never anything serious." Danny nodded silently, listening patiently to what Martin had already told him a long time ago. "But I never once thought that a relationship with any of them was possible. That it would lead somewhere. That's why…when you and I…when things became serious the first time, that's why I left. I was afraid and I found myself wanting things that I wasn't supposed to. It was just supposed to be a fling, but I…I felt so much for you. But a relationship with you was…well, it was definitely not going to help me satisfy my family. I just never expected it to hurt as much as it did when I left."

tbc


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Danny said nothing, only waited for him to go on. He knew what a struggle all of this must have been for Martin. He knew him well enough to know that he'd gone over all of this in his head hundreds of times before now. And he was nervous and still a little unsure, but Danny kept catching glimpses of confidence and determination in Martin's eyes and in his voice, and it made everything so much different.

"And this time?" Danny asked quietly when Martin said nothing more after a few moments.

Pain flashed sharply through his blue eyes and he squeezed Danny's hand tightly. "This time was worse," he whispered. "Everything I did to you, all of the times I lied or made excuses to not be with you…I'm so sorry. I knew what I was doing, knew how much I was hurting you and I hated it. I wanted so desperately to give you what you wanted, to give in to what _I_ wanted, but I never thought that I was strong enough."

"Fitz, you wouldn't have been all alone," Danny murmured, his voice trembling slightly. "I wanted to help you with all of it. I wanted to stand by you and face everything _with_ you."

"I know," Martin replied, bringing his free hand up to touch Danny's face. "I know you did, but I…I had to figure it out on my own. The only problem was, I wasn't doing that. I kept procrastinating and lying and…" he stopped suddenly, pulling his hand back from Danny's face and lowering his gaze.

"What is it Martin?"

"I probably would've married her," he admitted softly, his voice full of shame. He looked up again and this time Danny saw tears there. "I would've married her and convinced myself that I could just figure it all out later. My feelings for you, our relationship…I just would've…I would've made such a mess of it all. More than I already have. And then it would have been too late."

Danny didn't have a reply for that. It was exactly what he'd come to believe in the past couple of weeks. Because he'd never believed Martin had felt nothing for him. But he'd known how fearful Martin was of their relationship and all the feelings it inspired in him. And Danny had no trouble picturing Martin marrying Caroline. Martin and Caroline who would've presented such a pretty picture to the world, and Martin would've grown cold and numb on the inside. Everything Danny loved about him would have slowly faded away until he became nothing more than an empty shell. And that, more than anything, would've broken Danny's heart.

Martin nodded, as if reading Danny's thoughts and he moved closer, cupping Danny's face in his hands and looking into his eyes. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you Danny and I would've married her still." 

So honest it made Danny hold his breath. He swallowed hard and blinked back his own tears. He couldn't help the way he shifted closer or the way he slid his arms around Martin's waist. Those words were so potent. And it was silly, because Danny already knew – had always known – how Martin felt. But it still meant so much to hear him say it out loud.

"But you didn't," Danny whispered finally.

Martin shook his head, smiling a little through his tears. "No, I didn't. I couldn't."

"Why?" Danny asked simply. It was hard to grasp – the fact that Martin had broken off his engagement. He'd just admitted to the fact that he still would've married Caroline despite being in love with Danny. And Danny knew, both from Martin's words and from what he had _always_ known, just how much Martin wanted his family's – namely his father's – approval.

"Because of what you told me," Martin answered, still smiling softly. "You told me that you love me. Despite all the times I've hurt you, and how afraid I was to come out, for us to really be together…you said that you love me. And I…I did _not_ want to give that up. No one's ever loved me…not like that, not like what I saw in your eyes. It scared me, yes, but more so, it gave me courage. I finally realized exactly what it was I'd be giving up and _why_. And I…I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend anymore, didn't want to. Danny, I want…I want to be with you, and I don't want to hide it. I…I love you," he repeated, voice trembling as he smiled through his tears.

Danny's heart nearly broke, but he smiled back. And when Martin kissed him he melted. He pulled the other man closer, whimpering softly despite himself and letting Martin deepen the kiss. He could feel Martin's love with every soft touch, could taste it on his lips. The kisses made Danny's head swim. He wanted nothing more than to pull away and smile, to be happy and revel in everything Martin had just told him, everything he'd done.

However, there was still so much that lingered in his mind. Martin had broken off his engagement, yes. He claimed that he didn't want to hide anymore…but Danny wasn't quite sure he believed him. Had Martin told anyone else that he was gay? Had he really even told Caroline? He believed that Martin loved him. That wasn't at all something that he doubted. But, sadly, he didn't trust Martin. Not anymore. Not after months of hiding and lies.

But he hated to do this now. He wanted to help Martin through this, to be by his side, to be strong for him when he needed it. But he was scared. So scared. He'd almost _drank_ because of Martin…and that had shaken him up more than anything.

They broke apart and before Martin could kiss him again, Danny pulled him close, pressing soft kisses along his jaw and neck. He ran his fingers through Martin's hair and squeezed his eyes shut. He had no idea what to do now. How was he supposed to tell Martin that he needed time? _He_ needed time. After months of wanting Martin to come out, for them to be together…now _he_ was the one who was hesitating. But he couldn't help it. He wanted more than anything to do this right, and, in his heart – no matter how much it protested – he knew that this was the right decision. How he was going to convince Martin of that though, he wasn't quite sure. Especially now. Now, when Martin had been so brave…had given up normalcy and the long-desired approval of his family for Danny. But he had to trust that Martin loved him enough to wait. The same way Danny had.

Gently, after a few minutes Danny pulled away, being sure to slip completely out of Martin's arms. Something that hurt terribly. Martin's eyes were full of questions and slightly wary, and Danny knew he was worried, that he didn't quite understand Danny's reaction – or lack thereof – to everything he had told him so far. Worst of all, Danny knew it was only going to get worse with everything he had to say next.

He tried his best to smile, but he knew it didn't reach his eyes. A part of him was begging to stop, to pull Martin close again and kiss him, to accept the love that he was trying to give and to believe that it was true. He wanted to believe that they would work. But he was afraid to take that chance. He'd _already_ taken that chance…when he had told Martin that he loved him. And Martin had left.

It wasn't that Danny didn't understand Martin's reasoning; he did. He also knew that he was partly to blame for the state of their relationship. But it didn't make it hurt any less. He'd put himself out there, had risked his heart over and over and Martin had broken it. And he was trying to make up for it now, yes, but Danny needed time to trust him, time for them to…to take things slowly. Because that's what he truly believed would make them stronger, make them _last_. And Danny wanted that more than anything. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to explain that to Martin though.

"Martin," he began in a steady voice – something he was infinitely proud of. "I love you," he said softly. Martin's nervous expression softened and he smiled, causing Danny's heart to ache sharply. He knew that he probably wouldn't look so happy after Danny's next words. Unable to resist, Danny reached out and gently touched Martin's face. He bit down on his lower lip and looked away, shivering when Martin covered Danny's hand with his own.

"Danny? What's wrong?" he asked quietly.

The knot in Danny's stomach twisted and tightened and he tried to stay calm, but he was so scared. He couldn't help picturing the worst-case scenario. The one where Martin left him. For good.

"Fitzie, I love you so much," he tried starting again. "And I want to be with you too…"

The change in Martin's demeanor was instant. He let go of Danny's hand and sat up straighter, tense, frowning now. "But?" he asked sharply.

And this was what Danny had been dreading. This situation was already fragile enough that Danny was afraid that anymore might break it. He didn't want to hurt Martin, but he knew he had to do this, for himself…for both of them. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to remain calm and tried to smile…something at which he failed miserably. "Martin, you have no idea how glad I am that you did this," he began, trying not to sound condescending or patronizing. "I've wanted this, wanted _you_ for so long."

"But now?" Martin asked. His eyes were wide and he'd successfully backed himself further away from Danny now, his voice tight with panic.

Danny wanted nothing more than to reach for him, to pull Martin into his arms and offer a comfort he knew Martin would accept all too easily. Because Danny hated the hysteria he heard on the edge of his words, that he sensed was quickly threatening to overwhelm him. It was easy to understand after all. Martin had finally done something for himself, _by_ himself, had taken the first steps to living honestly and not hiding whom he was and now Danny was making him question all of it.

"I still want you," Danny murmured, trying to reassure him. "And I want us to have a life together. I just…" pausing he sighed and tried to calm his fluttering heart. He 

swallowed hard over the growing lump in his throat and willed himself to continue without letting his voice break. "I need a little bit of time," he said softly, relieved to be able to get the words out.

But relief was the last thing Danny saw in Martin's eyes. He stood up and backed away from the couch, shaking his head. He crossed his arms over his chest and tried to meet Danny's eyes, something he only accomplished for a few moments before he turned around, seeming unsure of what he should do next.

Danny stood up as well and stepped closer to him, arms aching to pull Martin close, but knowing that touching him would probably be a bad idea right now. "I don't want to hurt you Fitz," he said softly, pleading. "But please understand why I'm doing this."

"Why?" Martin asked sharply, still not turning around.

"Because I need you to be sure," he replied quietly. "I need to make sure you're not going to change your mind."

"Change my mind?" Martin snapped, spinning around and glaring angrily at Danny. "After God knows how long it took me to get to this point, you think I'm going to change my mind now!"

Danny shook his head. "I just don't want you to wake up in a few weeks or months or whenever and realize that you'll never get your normalcy. I don't want you to regret this."

"It's a little late for that!" Martin shouted, blinking furiously against the tears Danny could see forming.

And Danny winced at his words but took them in stride, knowing that fear and panic lay behind his anger. "I need you to have done this for yourself Martin," he went on, trying to stay calm. "Not just for me."

"I didn't! Weren't you listening?" he asked, blue eyes flashing angrily. "I'm tired of hiding all the time. Hiding and lying and pretending to be someone I'm not. That's why I did it! And I did it for us! Because I _love_ you and…" he trailed off, voice trembling. Danny frowned as he watched fear color Martin's expression, pushing the anger to the side. "Was it all just a game Danny?" he asked, eyes wide, face paler now. "To get back at me for leaving you the first time? Did you mean any of it? Or did I just do all of this for nothing?"

"Is that what you really think?" Danny asked sharply, anger and hurt coloring his words now. "You think I would do that to you?"

Martin almost nodded, his expression angry and clouded, but moments later his face crumpled and he turned away. He shook his head instead and wrapped his arms around his chest again. The heat of Danny's anger faded as quickly as it had come when he saw Martin's body tremble and heard his soft tears, but the feeling itself still persisted. As much as he wanted to pull the other man close, he resisted and walked away instead, to the other side of the room so that he could gaze blindly out the half-open window, the cool air from outside ghosting over his skin.

"I'm sorry." He heard Martin whisper a few moments later and he almost turned around, sensing that the other man had moved closer to him now.

"I've never loved anyone the way I love you Martin," Danny said softly, still not turning around, unable to face Martin or acknowledge his apology. "I know you think that I'm always confident and perfectly at ease with all of this but I'm not. It scares me too. _You_ scare me. Everything you make me feel and want and need. The last thing I want is to lose any of it. And I know you've thought things over now and you've taken steps to come out, to be honest and to be with me…but you have no idea what the last two weeks have been like for me," he said, voice breaking softly. "I thought that it was all over," he explained. "I told you that I loved you and…and you left. What was I supposed to think?"

"I know I shouldn't have done that, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I just had to think things through and…and I had to do it on my own," Martin pleaded.

Danny nodded. "I know and I understand that _now_ Fitz, I do. But…I didn't take it well." He took a deep breath and turned around to face Martin again. They were still several feet apart, and Danny was glad, because he was all too tempted to hold Martin, to let Martin hold him. But he knew he couldn't touch him yet, couldn't until he said everything he needed to say.

"Danny…"

"I almost drank," Danny said quickly, careful to keep the emotion out of his voice. "I woke up and you were gone, so I…I went to a bar and I ordered a drink." Danny watched him carefully; he saw sorrow and guilt and a pleading sort of desperation flicker in his eyes. Martin said nothing, tentatively taking a step closer and Danny understood his silence, but he couldn't take too much of it. "I…didn't drink any of it," he said hoarsely. Martin looked relieved, but the guilt didn't leave his eyes so easily. "I couldn't. I've worked too hard and too long at staying sober…I couldn't just give in now," he said firmly.

"Good," Martin whispered, quickly wiping away the tears that had formed in his eyes again.

"But, it wasn't just that," Danny went on. "I did it for you too."

"What?" Martin asked, his eyes wide, full of confusion and curiosity.

"I went to that bar because you broke my heart," Danny admitted sadly. "I thought that you had left again. I thought that we were over, for good this time. I thought that you'd call me a few weeks later and tell me you were married. But, strangely enough, you were also the reason I couldn't take a drink. I felt like I'd be letting you down, that I wouldn't shine quite so brightly in your eyes anymore…and it hurt Martin."

Martin looked astounded, a mixture of sadness, surprise and pride in his expression. Danny didn't look away and after a few moments; he was surprised to find himself smiling softly. Cautiously, he took a few steps closer to Martin, though still not close enough to touch, and crossed his arms over his chest. He studied Martin closely, watching as he tried to figure out Danny's words in his head, his eyes flickering upwards to meet Danny's after a few minutes.

"You want me to do both," Martin said softly.

Danny cocked his head to the side and watched him. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't drink…for yourself _and_ for me. You want me to be sure for myself and for you," Martin explained.

Danny nodded, his heart aching in his chest. He'd forced this issue, hadn't just welcomed Martin back with open arms, and now he'd also brought about the possibility that he might lose. Unfortunately, it was a gamble he had to take. "Yes," he answered simply.

"Danny I…I am sure," Martin protested, though he didn't sound quite as confident as he had before. 

"But you're not, can't you see that? Not completely," Danny said gently. "You broke things off with Caroline so you could be with me. You told her the truth so you could be with me. But there's a lot more that I'm betting you haven't even thought about."

"I don't know what you mean," Martin said softly. He seemed to close in on himself a little as he turned away from Danny again and cast his eyes downward.

"I think you do," Danny responded, wishing desperately that he could make this easier. "You said that you told her the truth, that you came out to her because you're tired of hiding. You did that so you could be with me, right?"

"Yes," he responded softly, not looking up.

"But she's only one person Martin. I'm not saying that you have to make some sort of global announcement," he went on quickly before Martin could protest. "And I'm not saying this to hurt you…that's the last thing I want," he said earnestly, stepping a little bit closer. "But there are plenty of more people for you to continue hiding from. I want you to be sure that you really want this Fitz. I want a future with you more than anything…but I don't want to live my entire life behind closed doors either," he said honestly. "If we go out for dinner, are you going to be embarrassed if people assume we're a couple? Would you ever introduce me to your family or your colleagues as more than just your friend? Do you really want an honest life with me or do you just want to stay inside, away from the rest of the world and pretend that it doesn't exist?" he asked, unable to keep a certain amount of heat out of his voice. There were so many feelings that he'd kept inside for such a long time. Things that he hadn't even realized had bothered him so much until now, things that needed to be said now so that they didn't fester and grow into something ugly. Martin, however, was looking at him helplessly, unable to answer Danny's questions. 

"I've given you a lot Martin," he went on after a few moments, trying to compose his thoughts. "I stopped going out because I stayed in with you instead. I cancelled plans with other people because _you_ were free and didn't have to be with Caroline. I nearly lost a very important friendship because I spent almost all of my time with you," he said, sounding frustrated and somewhat resentful. "And you took all of that for granted."

Martin shook his head, his eyes wide, but he was blushing and Danny knew that he realized it was true. "Danny, I--"

"You did," Danny interrupted. "You took it for granted that I would be there whenever you wanted me to. But I couldn't count on you to do the same. All those times that you called me at the last minute to cancel plans…did you ever think about how that made me feel? It hurt Martin. To know that you'd rather keep up the appearance of the happily engaged couple than be with me. And you never told me the truth," he said bitterly.

"But you knew I was lying!" Martin protested. "Why didn't you ever call me on it?"

Danny paused for a moment and looked away, again faced with the fact that he had helped Martin hide a lot more than he liked to admit. But he shook his head and looked at the other man again, a sad expression in his eyes. "I should have," he admitted. "And maybe I should've forced you to choose between her and I…but I always wanted it to be something that you decided on your own."

They were both quiet for a while, frozen it seemed to their spots on the floor. Danny was strangely calm, glad to have told Martin all that he had…some of which he hadn't even realized he'd been harboring in his heart until he'd let the words pour out. They both jumped at the sound of someone knocking on Danny's door, and Martin briefly met his eyes but then looked away again and didn't move.

Quickly, Danny crossed the room and opened the door just a little, preventing Sam from coming inside right away. "I need you to give me a few more minutes," Danny said softly. She started to ask why, confusion rushing through her eyes. "Please Sam." He couldn't give her an explanation right now, couldn't tell her why…that would come later. "Come back in about twenty minutes, please?" She opened her mouth to say something and tried to look past him, but when she met his eyes again she sighed and nodded. "Thank you," he said, knowing that she had probably figured out his reasoning. But in a way he was grateful, because he knew she understood.

Closing the door, he sighed and turned around, watching Martin from across the room and trying to figure out how this was going to end. Martin was still quiet as Danny made his way back to where he stood, and Danny knew he had to make the next move, that Martin was still unsure of what he should be doing. After a few moments, Martin turned, his eyes full of desperation and sorrow. He looked so sad and lost that Danny felt his heart ache, and he couldn't deny that he still wanted to make things better, make them easy. 

"I love you Danny," he said brokenly. Danny wished it were that simple. He saw pleading in Martin's blue eyes; saw that he didn't understand why that love wasn't enough. And a few months ago it would have been, but Danny wanted more now…and he wanted Martin to want more too.

This time though, Danny couldn't resist the desire to comfort the other man and he closed the distance between them and pulled Martin into his arms. Martin clung to him, burying his face in Danny's neck, his body trembling as Danny tightened his hold on him. Danny felt his own eyes grow hot with tears and he pressed a gentle kiss to Martin's neck as he tried to take a deep breath.

"I believe you," Danny murmured after a few minutes. "I don't doubt your love Fitz."

"But you don't trust me," Martin finished for him, pulling back a little so that he could look into Danny's eyes.

Sadly, Danny shook his head and cupped Martin's cheek in his palm, gently brushing away the tears that lay there. Martin's eyes again filled with tears and he squeezed his eyes shut painfully, his eyelashes dark and damp against his skin. Danny leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to Martin's closed eyelids, absorbing his tears.

"I love you," Danny said softly, his voice wavering. "I love you so much." Tenderly, he kissed Martin's cheeks, his chin and finally, softly his lips. Martin whimpered and kissed him back, a broken mesh of tears and kisses, love and grief.

"Danny…" Martin cried, sobbing now as their kiss broke.

"Shh…Fitzie don't cry," he begged, hugging Martin tightly again. "It's not goodbye," he promised, needing to hear the words as much as he needed to say them. He waited a few moments, waited for Martin's breathing to become more even again before he pulled back a little and met his eyes. He ran his fingers through Martin's hair and looked into his eyes. "Do this for me," he pleaded. "Be completely sure for me, please. Please Martin," he repeated, his voice laced with need and desperation.

Martin nodded, his eyes saying more than words could. "And then?"

Danny smiled softly, though he felt tears spill onto his cheeks again. He kissed Martin once more before releasing him, trailing his hand down over his arm and grasping Martin's hand. He brought it to his lips and kissed his knuckles softly before holding it with both of his own hands. "Come back. We'll…we'll get it right this time. I promise." And he meant it. If Martin could find his peace, could be utterly honest with himself and with those that mattered most to him…then Danny knew that they would work. That he would stop at nothing to _make sure_ they worked.

Martin gazed at him for a few more moments, his eyes sad and defeated but also alight with a soft sort of hope…and conviction. He pulled Danny close once more and held him tightly. "I love you," he whispered again, voice full of truth and certainty. And then without another word he let Danny go, grabbed his coat off of the couch and left. So quickly…but that was something Danny understood, because lingering any longer would only make it harder to leave.

Exhausted now, Danny sank to the ground and leaned back against his couch, drawing his knees up to his chest and trying his hardest to hold himself together. He didn't move, didn't cry…just sat there, feeling both calm and completely undone. He knew that he had done the right thing, but when was the right thing ever easy? It hurt like hell. He moved only when he felt soft hands on his arms, gently pulling him upwards, a quiet voice in his ear murmuring something soothing. He let Sam help him onto the couch and put a pillow beneath his head. Shut his eyes gratefully when she covered him with a blanket and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Thankful that she didn't force him to explain, knew that she would be there to listen when he _needed_ to explain. The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was the soft volume of the television as she turned it on and settled into the chair at his side.

tbc...with less angst!


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The past month and a half had been distant, blurry. But today seemed different. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not though, because the last thing he wanted to do was move on. He knew he had to be patient; that he couldn't make the first move no matter how much he wanted to. Still though, it was so hard. A month and a half had gone by and he'd heard nothing from Martin. Day after day Danny had waited, hoping desperately that he would call or stop by…_something_. And it was easy to picture the worst, to be _sure_ that Martin wasn't coming back and that he had married Caroline after all. Every time the phone rang he alternated between hope and dread. Hoping that it was Martin, calling to talk, to tell Danny he was ready. Dreading that it was Martin, calling to tell him that he was married and that he never wanted to see Danny again. But it was always neither.

Today though…today he felt alive, better. He found himself smiling before he remembered he was supposed to be sad. It was unnerving in a way and strangely enough…it hurt. Trying to explain that to Sam had made her laugh.

"So you're hurting now because you're feeling…happy?" she asked, a skeptically amused expression on her face.

He scowled as he got into the car and handed her a cup of coffee, turning away when she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't mean you've forgotten Danny," she said softly. "It doesn't mean _he's_ forgotten."

He turned to look at her, surprised by the soft smile and the look of reassurance in her eyes. "It's been close to two months Sam…"

She shook her head and continued to smile as she sipped her coffee. "Doesn't mean he's forgotten…or changed his mind," she murmured. She held his gaze for a few moments, looking almost as if she were trying to convey something to him, before turning away.

He frowned as she started the car, took another sip of her drink and then set it in the cup holder. He kept quiet, but watched her for a few more minutes, wondering what he was missing. There was something almost…_secretive_ in her voice, her eyes. And her encouragement only left him more confused.

After Martin had left that night, she had been his lifeline, an endless support and a friend he wasn't sure he always deserved. He had been miserable, listless, withdrawn and angry. Yet Samantha continued to keep him company, to be there for him and to listen – patiently – when he cried and wondered over and over if he had done the right thing. But one thing hadn't changed. Through her support, she had never changed her opinion of Martin and what he had done. She blamed him for breaking Danny's heart. She was furious with him, and if not for Danny's request that she stay away, she would've searched Martin out and told him exactly what she thought.

So now, this change of sorts…her soft words that were encouraging, almost sounding as if she believed in Martin and believed he would come back eventually…it made him curious as to why. What had changed to make her say those words…to make her voice soften where Martin was concerned when before it had _always_ hardened?

He'd had every intention of asking, but when his cell phone rang it was Jack, and everything else stopped once the case started.

By the time he got home that evening it was late and he was exhausted. But as he sat down on the couch, hastily-made sandwich and a glass of ice-water before him, the conversation with his friend returned and he frowned as he switched on the television, trying to remember her exact words and why they had seemed so…different.

As he was thinking things over, he glanced away from the TV and his eye caught the blinking red light of his answering machine. Groaning – because now he would have to stand up again – he rubbed his hand over his eyes and leaned back for a few minutes before forcing himself to stand up. He'd probably be better off if he just took a shower and went to bed anyway, but he always felt more relaxed – even if he didn't get as much sleep – if he unwound in front of the television for an hour or so first.

"_Hi Danny it's…me. It's Martin…I just…I was wondering if…well…if we could talk…sometime or when you can…I…just call me…please? I'll…talk to you soon then…okay…bye."_

Danny's knees trembled and he leaned against the wall for support, his hand still hovering over the answering machine. The sound of Martin's voice – even tinny and recorded as it was – left him shaken and breathless. He rewound the message and hit play again before he could stop himself, leaning more fully against the wall now, his eyes shut, his hand pressed against his stomach trying to calm the butterflies that had suddenly taken up residence there.

When the recording stopped for the second time, Danny laughed nervously and sunk down to the floor, his hand grappling for the phone as he did. Back against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest, he held the phone in his hand and stared at it for the longest time, wondering what he should do now.

Martin's voice was stuttered and shaking; Danny could _feel_ how nervous he was, and it was something he was used to. Yet through it all there had been an underlying sort of hope, and it was that feeling that had left Danny shaking and now had him sitting on the floor, phone in hand, wondering what to do next. But this was what he wanted…to talk to Martin, to see what he'd been doing for the past month and a half. He wanted them to move on…together. But now the ball was in his court and he felt silly, childish almost, because he was terrified to make the next move.

Before he could do anything the phone rang and he jumped, startled and quickly glanced down at the display to see Sam's cell phone number there. Sighing in relief he answered it and shut his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall. "Hey Sam."

"Hey…"

"What's up?" he asked.

"Hmm? Oh nothing, just calling to say hi…see how you're doing…" she trailed off.

Danny frowned and sat up, his fingers gripping the phone more tightly. She sounded…nervous. But more than that he could detect with precision what he'd only suspected before. She was hiding something; he could hear it in her voice. And furthermore, he found it odd that she was calling his home phone; the two of them almost always called one another via cell phone. It was almost as if she expected him to be near his home phone and…

"Sam, what's going on?" he asked suspiciously.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been acting weird all day…and it's like you're hiding something from me and…" he trailed off, sighing. Hearing the words aloud made him feel ridiculous and strangely paranoid.

"Hiding something? What would I be hiding?" she asked, sounding more amused than insulted.

He laughed shortly and shook his head. "I have no clue." He paused for a few moments and ran his hand through his hair, leaning back against the wall again. "Martin called me," he said finally.

She sucked in a quick breath, and he got the distinct feeling that she was choosing her words carefully. "What did he say?"

"He wants to see me…talk to me…" he answered. "I don't know what to do Sam."

She sighed, sounding exasperated and Danny could _hear_ her rolling his eyes. "Well call him back of course!" she exclaimed. "This is what you've been waiting for! Just today you were worried he'd forgotten…obviously he hasn't…call him back Danny," she said again, softer this time.

Again, Danny was hit with a wave of suspicion, something he wasn't quite sure how to deal with. She was being so encouraging, whereas before she had always wanted him to use caution where Martin was concerned. "I want to," he admitted softly. "I'm just…well, part of me is afraid to hear what he has to say. What if he just wants to tell me that he's decided to marry Caroline?" he whispered.

"Did he sound like that's what he wanted to say?" she asked.

"No," he replied. And he hadn't. Martin had sounded incredibly nervous, but Danny hadn't missed the underlying warmth in his voice…the love. "I'm just…" he trailed off, sighing again. "Would you come over?" he asked suddenly. "I'll call him. I'll call him as soon as you and I hang up…I swear. But I just…please Sam?" He hated it that he sounded so uncertain and afraid, but he couldn't help it…from past experience, he'd just rather she be here.

"Sure Danny…I'll be there in about an hour…"

"Thanks."

Once they had hung up, he sighed, shut his eyes and leaned back against the wall again. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but eventually he opened his eyes again and stared down at the phone in his hand. Nervously, he bit down on his lower lip and turned it on, dialing Martin's number with a careful determination. 

Two tries later, he'd managed to dial the last number before hanging up. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the phone to his ear, part of him praying that Martin's voicemail would come on.

"Hello?" Voice uncertain, nervous…as if he knew who was calling. And he probably did thanks to caller ID.

But hearing Martin's voice, against his ear…it went straight to Danny's heart. If he closed his eyes, he could picture him here, so easily…the two of them close, touching, Martin's mouth against his ear…

"Danny? Is that you?"

Martin's soft, tentative voice brought him out of his thoughts and back to reality…and to the fact that he still hadn't said anything. He cleared his throat and took another deep breath, forced himself to keep his eyes open and stare at something innocuous across the room. "Yes Martin…it's me," he murmured. "I…um, just wanted to…call you back," he managed to say. Silence after that, as if they were both waiting.

"Danny I--"

"I do want to talk," he said at the same time Martin said his name. He laughed softly, nervously and heard a breath of easy relief in his ear. "I um…tomorrow maybe? As long as I don't get called into work…I'm technically supposed to have the day off, but I don't know what your schedule is…" he said, amazed that he was able to speak and think rationally.

"That'd be…great. I don't have to work tomorrow," Martin replied softly, a gentle sort of happiness in his voice that made Danny smile. "Um…do you wanna meet somewhere or do you want me to come over…" he trailed off, uncertain.

"Let's meet in the park," Danny suggested quickly, needing them to go somewhere safe this first time. "By the fountain near the skating rink…" he added. A few moments passed and Danny heard nothing, just Martin's quiet breathing. "Martin?"

Martin sighed. "Okay…around ten?" he asked softly. Suddenly, Danny understood and his heart ached, but it wasn't something he could take back. Martin was disappointed that Danny had so quickly suggested they meet somewhere public, as if he were too afraid to be alone with him. Or didn't _want_ to be alone with him. And while that wasn't true – Danny _did_ want to be alone with him – he needed to protect himself and not jump into things too quickly. Not again.

"Ten is fine," he answered. "And Martin…I've missed you," he added in a whisper, not sure if he should but unable to keep the words back.

A pause and then he heard Martin draw in an unsteady breath. "Me too," he answered softly, that gentle tone of voice that always caused Danny's chest to constrict with happiness. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Goodbye Martin."

True to her word, Samantha arrived at Danny's apartment about forty-five minutes after they had spoken on the phone. She appeared oddly apprehensive and it was only moments after they had both sat down on the couch that she asked what had happened when he had called Martin.

"We're going to meet tomorrow…in Central Park," Danny said softly, a small smile on his lips. Despite being incredibly nervous, he was unable to stop the hope that had been growing since he had heard Martin's voice on his answering machine. "Just to talk…I don't even know what to expect entirely. But I'm so…" he trailed off, waving his hands to indicate the emotions he couldn't seem to find words for. He blushed and smiled warmly when she reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

"Excited? Nervous? Hopeful?" she said softly.

"And then some."

She smiled again and gently touched his face. "I think it'll work out this time Danny, I really do."

He smiled back, feeling giddy almost…and grateful. But as her words and her smile really sunk in, he narrowed his eyes and looked at her more closely. He'd felt paranoid before but now…now he was _sure_ his suspicions were justified. She was hiding something.

"Tell me what it is," he requested, watching her closely.

She frowned, cocked her head to the side and looked at him oddly. "What are you talking about?"

Where her voice was normally steady and soft, this time it was strangely tight, higher than usual; she wasn't good at hiding things…unless they were at work. He sighed and shook his head. "It's no use Sam; I know you're hiding something. I suspected it earlier, but now…well now I _know_ I'm right."

"Danny, I honestly don't know--"

"Martin," he interrupted. "You never liked Martin. Ever. You told me over and over that he was using me, that he didn't love me, that it wasn't serious to him and he would end up leaving me and marrying Caroline. But today…in fact, now that I think about it, for the past few weeks, you've been acting differently," he said matter-of-factly. 

"I…don't…"

"You have," he said, nodding. He smiled softly and squeezed her shoulder. "I'm not angry with you Sam, I'm just curious as to what's changed your mind. Suddenly you're smiling when I talk about him, and you're telling me it'll all work out. You never used to do that."

She bit down on her bottom lip and looked away for a few moments. When she looked back she sighed and shook her head, laughing nervously as she drew her leg beneath her and tucked her hair behind her ears. "I didn't want to tell you because…well, I didn't want you to be angry with me for breaking my promise. But more than that, I wanted to be sure before I got your hopes up," she said softly, a promising smile on her lips.

It was his turn to look confused and he frowned as he shook his head. "I…what do you mean Sam? What promise?"

"I promised you I wouldn't talk to Martin. Remember? You didn't want me to confront him…" she said, eyes watching him closely, apprehensive.

He hadn't expected that. Honestly, he had no idea what he had been expecting. Maybe that she'd met someone…her happiness put her in the mood to want his. Made her softer, more forgiving. But he hadn't anticipated this. "You've…seen him?" he whispered.

She nodded, shifting closer to him on the couch. "It wasn't intentional," she said quickly. "I did as you asked…I didn't seek him out to confront him. But I had to go back to the hospital…for a check up, and I…well I just kind of ran into him…" 

"You ran into him," Danny repeated dryly, raising an eyebrow curiously. She blushed and looked away and he huffed impatiently. "Sam?"

She laughed nervously and threw up her hands in defeat, blushing further. "We're sort of well…friends now," she said sheepishly.

"What?" After everything she'd ever said or thought about Martin, Danny had never expected her to like him. And he'd _wanted_ that, because Martin and Sam were easily the two most important people in his life, but now that it had apparently happened he was baffled. "So how did that happen?"

"Short or long version?" she asked, smiling. 

He didn't miss the relief that passed over her features; knew that she had probably been worried about his reaction and whether he'd be angry or not. But anger and the promise he'd forced from her were the last things on his mind. If Sam could help somehow, could give him Martin…he had no idea how he'd ever be able to repay or thank her enough.

"Long version…I've got time."

She smiled and again pushed her hair behind her ears, eyes bright as she began.

* * *

_She'd known it was a possibility. In fact a part of her was hoping that she would see Martin. Promise or no, it was hard to resist the urge to confront him. And if it was going to be any time, why not now when she was already – conveniently – at the hospital for a follow up appointment? Nonetheless, she was still reluctant to actively seek him out because Danny had been so adamant that she leave it alone. But he was hurting and no matter how good of a friend she was to him, there was only one person who could make it stop. And it wasn't her._

_It was as she was getting ready to leave the hospital, still contemplating the idea of looking for Martin, that she heard her name being called. Turning, her eyes widened in surprise and she almost laughed. She had promised Danny that she wouldn't go looking for Martin to confront him for what he'd done, but she'd never promised to ignore Martin if _he_ came looking for her._

"_Samantha?"_

"_Yes?" she asked impatiently, crossing her arms over her chest and raising an eyebrow._

_Martin looked down for a moment, chewing on his lower lip, scratching nervously at his shoulder. She couldn't help the delight she took in his apparent anxiety to talk with her, and she made no move to make it any easier on him._

"_Did you want something?" she asked coolly after a few moments._

_Sighing softly he looked up at her, pained expression in his eyes, and he nodded. "I…I know you don't…like me," he said softly. "Which I understand," he rushed on when her expression darkened. "But I was hoping that we could…talk," he said awkwardly._

_Again she raised an eyebrow, surprised. But she pursed her lips together for a moment and watched him carefully, saw the hope – which she didn't exactly know what to make of – battling with the hopelessness, and she bit her tongue, holding back the angry tirade that she very much wanted to unleash on him. Instead she sighed and uncrossed her arms, tugging her purse back onto her shoulder as she shifted her feet._

"_Martin, I don't know you well enough to not like you," she answered wearily. Despite the fact that he had found her – not the other way around – she still felt guilty for talking to him, for _technically_ breaking her promise to Danny. "I don't like the way you've treated Danny."_

_He nodded and she saw tears well up in his eyes before he quickly blinked them away. "I'm…sorry," he said in a shaky voice. "I'll…never mind. Good bye Samantha." He crossed his arms across his chest, looking as if he were trying to hold himself together. The smile he gave her was forced and anything but happy, and as he turned away she felt a very unwanted stab of sympathy._

_Sighing, she watched him go, frustrated with herself to no end and not entirely sure what she should do next. But it was her instinct – something she almost always trusted – to not let him walk away. "Martin wait," she called out, heels clicking on the linoleum as she hurried after him. He stopped and turned around, a wary sort of surprise in his eyes. "Look, I'm not sure what it is you want from me, but if you really want to talk, I…I can do that. Just…not now, I have to get back to work," she said._

_He still looked surprised, slightly hopeful as he nodded. "Thank you," he murmured. "Um, I get off work this evening around eight, and I know you might not be free so if another time is better…"_

"_Tonight is fine."_

_He nodded. "There's a coffee shop around the corner…I don't really remember what it's called but it's like a five minute walk and--"_

"_Why don't I just meet you here at eight thirty?" she interrupted. "In the lobby?"_

_Again he nodded and smiled gratefully at her. "That sounds good. I…thank you Samantha."_

_She shook her head and frowned. "I'm curious as to what you have to say Martin, but I'm not doing this for you."_

"_I know. But still…thank you," he said solemnly, that grateful-look still shining in his eyes even as his smile faded. "I'll see you this evening."_

_With that he turned and walked away and she was left thinking about what she'd gotten herself into. And wondering why on earth he seemed to think that their talking was going to help anything._

* * *

_It was close to nine when they arrived at the coffee shop. They'd said nothing other than "hello" since they'd met in the hospital's main lobby and Martin had led her outside and two blocks away. He'd bought her a cappuccino, something she'd wanted to refuse at first, but had figured that if she got anything out of this meeting it might as well be a free coffee._

_It was a small establishment, quiet, private and relatively empty. They'd made their way to a vacant corner and settled into plush chairs near the window. She sipped quietly on her coffee and slipped off her jacket, relaxing into the comfortable chair as she waited for him to start. He looked nervous, something she made no attempt to ease for him. Although she was extremely curious as to what he wanted to say, she was still wary, still not willing to give him an inch because of Danny. Of how painfully and completely he had broken Danny's heart._

"_How is he?" _

_She looked up, surprised, his voice breaking through her thoughts. She frowned at the tentative look of hope and curiosity she saw in his eyes. "Is _this_ why you asked me here?" she asked angrily. "To see how Danny is? How do you _think_ he is Martin? You broke his heart," she said flatly._

_He winced over her words and turned away. She watched him through narrow eyes, noting the way he bit down on his lower lip and took a deep breath. She didn't expect his blue eyes to look so empty when he turned back to face her; he looked extremely vulnerable, uncertain and lost. It brought out feelings of sympathy and compassion that she didn't want to feel for him._

"_That's not…not why I asked to talk with you," he said softly. "I just…" he trailed off and sighed, shaking his head._

_They were both silent for a while and Sam wasn't sure what to do next. If she should prompt him to continue or just wait for whatever it was he wanted to say. She'd never really spent much time with him before, had never gotten to know him, and despite her outward attitude there was a part of her that had wanted to. Had the situation been different, if Martin and Danny had been dating outwardly, if it hadn't been hidden…she would have gotten to know him. Danny was her best friend, probably the best friend she had ever had…and she wanted to be friends with the man he loved._ _Unfortunately, the situation _wasn't_ different, and here she sat in a coffee shop with the man who had instead, broken Danny's heart._

"_I'm sorry Martin," she said finally, breaking their silence. "Obviously, there's something important you wanted to talk to me about. I can't promise that I won't get angry with you again, but…I will listen," she said softly, trying to smile as he reluctantly met her eyes._

_Again she waited, as he seemed to be gathering his courage, shifting his gaze from his mug of coffee to the floor beneath them and to her face. Finally, he looked up and didn't look away, pushing his hand through his hair and taking a deep breath. "I've been trying Samantha," he began. "Trying to do as he asked, to be honest with myself, with the people that are important to me. And I…_am_," he stressed, voice wavering but filled with a certain conviction. _

"_You sound very…sure," she commented, watching him carefully, still trying to figure out what it was he wanted._

_He nodded, a smile flitting across his lips. "I am…well for the most part. It's still…scary," he admitted softly. "But I, I wanted to speak with you because…you're important to him. And I know it might be impossible, but I wanted to try and make some sort of peace with you Samantha. Because I do want to be with Danny, I want to spend my life with him…and you're a big part of his life," he said, voice shaky, uncertain yet very hopeful._

_And she had no idea what to say, how to respond; of all the things he could've said, this had been the least expected. And yet, somehow, it made a difference that she hadn't counted on._

"_I came out to my father," he said suddenly, seeming uncomfortable with her silence…as if he was waiting for her to interrupt or protest. "It didn't exactly go well, but all things considered, it was easier than I'd expected…" he went on, looking somewhat regretful for a moment. But he continued swiftly, "I told my friend Eric. He works at the hospital…_your_ surgeon," he added quickly, brightening when he realized she knew him. He looked like he wanted to go on, but shook his head after a few moments, a small smile of what could only be described as pride on his lips._

_When he met her eyes again, the earnestness in his expression surprised her. "Samantha, I'm not telling you this to try to impress you or change your opinion of me, because I realize it will take more than just the fact that I've come out of the closet to a few people. But I just…I just want you to know that I do love him, and that I intend on doing everything I can to get him back. And maybe if you come to believe me, well then…maybe you and I can get to know each other better…" he trailed off, sounding both frustrated and hopeful._

_She was, plainly, stunned. And for more than one reason. Maybe it was her inherent cynicism or the fact that she didn't trust love very much, but she had not expected Martin to try as hard as he seemed to be doing. She had never trusted him; never put much faith in him because she only saw the one side of things and that was just how much pain he had caused Danny. Honestly though, she didn't really know him. Not well enough to pass judgment on his strength of character and what he would be willing to go through. But now she saw someone completely different than the man she had so long imagined in her head, and she wasn't quite sure how she should proceed. It was the genuine honesty and hope that she heard in his voice that ultimately softened her thoughts. And that he wanted to get to know her, to befriend her somehow _because she was important to Danny _meant more than she could say. It proved something that she had denied to herself no matter how fiercely Danny had continued to protest._

_Martin loved him._

tbc


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to everyone who's been reading & reviewing!

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Danny sat still, silent, too afraid to move or barely even breathe lest Sam take her words back or tell him that none of it was actually true. He blinked when she touched his hand and took a few moments to fight the wetness that stung his eyes before he was able to look up and meet her gentle smile.

"I never expected to like him Danny," she murmured, fingers insinuating their way into his palm for a comforting grip. "I mean, I wanted to. But honestly, I never really believed that he'd come through and actually make the sacrifices that he needed to make in order to be with you."

He nodded. "I know," he replied hoarsely.

"I've seen him a few more time since then," she went on when he said nothing else. "To get to know him better. And I let him know you missed him and tried my best to convince him to reach out to you again as soon as he was ready. That was why I told you not to give up today…because he had let me know he was going to call you today. Whether he went through with it or not, I wasn't sure…that's why I called you," she said, smiling warmly, sounding quite proud of herself.

Danny laughed happily, caught somewhere between a smile he couldn't prevent and tears. Happy tears that he knew he wouldn't be able to stop, so he continued trying staunchly not to start them.

The two of them settled closely together on Danny's couch for the rest of the night, the television a comforting flicker in front of them. Danny could feel Sam's eyes on him, however, watching, probably waiting for him to either start crying or laughing hysterically. Both were a viable option, but he did his best to keep his emotions from flooding over and kept them to a happy simmer instead.

Hope. It wasn't something that he'd felt in a very long time. Especially not with this sort of strength. Despite how much he had longed for things with Martin to work out, there had been a big part of him that hadn't believed it ever would. It was the part of him that had resigned himself to never have anything better than what his past would allow him. That no matter how far away he moved or what changes he made in his life, he'd still be stuck in that loop of poverty and abuse that he'd grown up with.

When Sam fell asleep and slumped down against his arm, he wasn't surprised, and turned to look down at her with a soft smile. Their relationship was changing yet again, and he couldn't help but wonder how he'd earned such a fiercely loyal and caring friend as Samantha. He certainly hadn't been expecting it. Just a little more than a year ago they were merely coworkers who exchanged the random friendly words only to be polite. They'd gone from that to a friendship of shared nights out and sympathy to something much stronger. He wasn't so sure that he could have come through this whole thing with Martin as well as he had without her, and that was more than a little surprising, because above all things he'd learned in life, Danny knew that he number one rule was to never count on anyone for anything. And yet, Sam had stuck around and had proved again and again that she would be there for him. He only hoped that if she ever needed him in the same way, that he could be just as strong.

Inevitably, his thoughts turned to Martin, and for the first time in a long while, those thoughts were not accompanied by a stab of pain. He'd felt hopeful after their brief 

conversation on the phone, but after Sam's declaration he felt more than just hope. He felt _confident_.

Sighing happily, he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over Sam and himself, thoughts still lingering blissfully on Martin. His blue eyes that crinkled in the corners when he smiled. The feel of his skin, the heat of his embrace, the way he could make Danny weak with a few simple touches and smiles…

Shivering, he found himself barely able to contain a small laugh and he doubted he'd get any sleep at all tonight, too wound up about the prospect of seeing Martin the following day.

* * *

Danny was pretty certain he resembled one of the park's many resident crazy people, pacing back and forth in front of a fountain, giving an anxious glance to his watch and down the paths every few minutes. He'd gotten a few odd looks from early morning passersby and joggers. Perhaps they were more comfortable with their crazies being relegated to the later hours of the day, rather than eight-thirty in the morning.

He wasn't due to meet Martin until around ten, but he'd been up since six and after a worried, anxious two hours pacing his apartment, he'd decided his time would be better spent pacing the stone walkway in front of the fountain where they'd agreed to meet. Despite feeling less insecure and nervous after Sam's visit and consequent story the night before, he still couldn't help the way he felt now. Excited, nervous, a bundle of desperate hopes and the slightly lingering fear that nothing would end up working out the way he wanted it to.

All those concerns were laid to rest though the moment he spotted Martin, eyes glancing around anxiously, hands in his pockets, walking briskly towards the fountain. Towards Danny. He was early too, and that simple fact gave Danny's heart the seeming permission it had been lacking from his mind that things would be okay. More than okay.

Blue eyes met his own with a shy smile, and Danny had to stop himself from reaching out and pulling Martin to himself. He wanted desperately to touch him, to breathe him in…to keep him. Despite his obvious nerves, there was something different in Martin's demeanor that Danny noticed right away. His eyes, his expression, just an all over change that made Danny smile warmly. It was an air of confidence that Martin had never really exuded before. It was subtle, and if Danny didn't know him as well as he did, he wouldn't have picked up on it, but to him it was as clear as day. And it made him happy.

"Hi," Martin spoke first, his voice soft, warm.

The nerves Danny felt now were simply those of anticipation, of desire, and the near certainty that he was going to get everything he'd always wanted. He smiled back, his heart fluttering. "Hi," he replied, surprised that his voice sounded relatively normal. "Want to sit down?" he asked, nodding his head towards the stone ring around the fountain.

Martin nodded and they meandered slowly over to it, the sound of the bubbling, splashing water strangely calming. Their knees bumped together and it was Martin who shifted slightly closer so that their shoulders were touching. A move that had Danny biting down on his lower lip to keep from smiling too brightly. Any time they had been out in 

public together in the past, Martin had always been nervous about being too close, paranoid even as if he thought someone he knew might see them.

Danny wasn't sure where to begin, and they sat in silence for a while. Being this close to Martin again was a high that he had missed desperately. He longed to reach out and touch him, to pull him close and kiss him. He had a feeling that if he did, Martin wouldn't stop him like he would have been apt to do in the past, but something else held him back. It was as if he were frozen, waiting for one of them to break the ice and to start what he knew would be easy as soon as they found an opening.

In another move that surprised him, it was Martin who spoke first, his voice warm and soft though sharply defined with worry. "Danny, I'm sorry."

Turning slightly, Danny waited for Martin to look up and meet his eyes. "Sorry for what?" he asked, a thread of fear running through his heart.

"For taking so long," he replied simply, blue eyes flickering with sadness.

Relieved, Danny smiled. "It's only been a few months. I know that you needed time to sort everything out."

Martin shook his head. "No, for all of it. It's been…years now, and I've made you wait for such a long time. I kept expecting you to give up and tell me you were done waiting…but you never did," he said earnestly. His eyes were bright, soft and when he smiled again Danny felt his heart ache wonderfully in his chest.

He jumped, laughing at his surprise, when he felt Martin's fingers brush tentatively over the back of his hand. Blinking rapidly, he looked down and swallowed hard over a lump in his throat as Martin went further and threaded their fingers together. His touch was warm and gentle and strangely confident in a way Danny had never felt from the other man before. Especially not in public view where anyone could see them.

"I've missed you," Martin whispered after a few minutes, leaning close enough that Danny could feel the heat from his body.

Danny was still having trouble finding his voice, trying desperately not to cry and trying to remember to breathe all at the same time. Martin was distracting him, flustering him, and his newly found confidence was only making it worse.

"I love you," Martin murmured, leaning closer still to press his lips to Danny's cheek, his fingers squeezing Danny's now-trembling ones.

He gripped Martin's hand tightly, turning to face him more fully, no longer able to stop his tears from falling as he met Martin's soft, loving expression. But he suddenly found himself laughing through those tears, happier than he could ever remember being. Martin laughed with him, letting go of his hand in order to pull Danny into his arms and press another soft kiss to his cheek.

"I love you too," Danny finally replied hoarsely. He wrapped his arms tightly around the other man and shut his eyes, breathing deeply and forcing his tears to subside. The calming sounds of the bubbling fountain helped, but mostly it was the strong, solid feel of Martin's body pressed against his and Martin's arms tight around his back.

"Has Samantha talked to you?" Martin asked softly after a few minutes.

Danny pulled back slightly and nodded as he looked into Martin's eyes. "Just last night. She told me that you guys have become friends; and she told me what you've done. Telling your father, your friend…" he added, a note of pride in his voice.

Predictably, Martin blushed and nodded his head. "It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be," he said softly. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I was pretty terrified…especially with my father. But the more I talked the better I felt. Like I was finally escaping a lie, and the world wasn't coming to an end."

Danny nodded, squeezing Martin's fingers reassuringly and smiling at him. "How'd he take it?"

A cloud passed over Martin's eyes briefly and he pushed his fingers deeper into Danny's palm. Looking away, he shook his head, and stayed silent for a few moments. Danny simply waited patiently, knowing how hard this was for the other man. Of all the people Martin had feared confessing his sexuality to, Danny knew that his father was at the top of that list.

Finally, Martin looked up again, a resigned look in his blue eyes. "Not well exactly," he answered, his voice a little hollow. "But I got this strange feeling that he already knew. Not that it made things any easier…probably worse in fact. If he did think that, well it was probably the only time in his life that he hated being proved _right_." He laughed shortly, but there wasn't any joy in it and Danny knew that whatever had happened, whatever had been said was still hurting Martin. He also knew him well enough to know that he probably wouldn't talk about it, not right now anyway. It had the potential to come up randomly, weeks from now even, when Martin had finally finished thinking it all through and was ready to talk more. For now though, Danny simply leaned closer and put his arm around Martin's waist, wanting to just let Martin know that he was here, and he'd listen whenever he was ready.

"It was easier to tell Eric," Martin said after a few moments. The change in his demeanor was almost instant and Danny could sense a sort of thankful relief that Danny hadn't further pressed the subject of his father. "He was surprised but supportive, and…nothing's changed. And I think that was one of the biggest things I was always afraid of. Not just with Eric, but with anyone. My father's reaction notwithstanding, I told my aunt also, and she was…well, happy!" he said, smiling. "She told me she'd known, and that she hated how miserable I was, but she hadn't wanted to push me especially after I got engaged. She…she wants to meet you Danny," he said sheepishly, a guilty grin on his face.

Danny laughed. "I'd be happy to meet her." And he meant it. For so long their relationship had been secret and hidden. The prospect of being able to share it with others was so freeing that Danny could scarcely grasp the concept completely. He wanted to meet the people that were important to Martin, he wanted Martin to get to know Samantha better; he wanted to be able to talk about what was easily the most important relationship he'd ever had. And now he could.

They sat there in the park for a while longer, talking and laughing…reveling in the easy feeling of being together again. And although the love Danny felt for Martin had never truly faltered or changed, everything else had. He was confident in Martin's love for him now. He finally knew where he stood in Martin's life, and that they could be together without anymore strings or secrets.

* * *

Danny watched Martin silently as they sat in the backseat of the cab. Traffic was pretty bad, but Danny wasn't worried about time seeing that they had left the apartment an hour earlier than necessary to make it across town to the restaurant. Martin, however, was fidgeting nervously, something that inwardly Danny knew had nothing to do with whether they were late or not.

The vascular department was hosting a dinner in honor of their graduating fellows, and Martin had invited Danny to come with him. As his date. And therein lied the reason for Martin's anxiety.

It had been nearly four months since they had met that day in Central Park to work things out, and Danny couldn't have been happier. They were together, happy and so very much in love. They were even talking – at _Martin's_ suggestion – of moving in together, something that they hadn't decided on definitely yet, but the mere mention of it had put a smile on Danny's face for days. And then a few weeks ago, Martin had very nervously asked him to come to this dinner at the hospital, a step that had thrilled Danny to no end.

"_So there's this dinner for the fellows who've finished their two years at the hospital, and it's formal but it's not if that makes any sense. And I went last year and had a good time and I just…" he trailed off, putting an end to what Danny had quickly discerned as nervous ramblings. "Do you want to come with me?" he asked finally, his voice trembling slightly. "As my date," he clarified in a tense whisper, his eyes flitting away from Danny's face._

_They were lying in bed, loosely tangled up in each other, and Martin had lowered his head to avoid Danny's gently curious gaze. Danny's heart fluttered in his chest, and he had to stop himself from laughing because he didn't want Martin to take it the wrong way. But every time Martin surprised him this way, with one of these simple yet unexpected things that they had never done before he felt like laughing, because the joy he felt for their relationship now was overwhelming at times._

_Danny trailed his fingers over Martin's jaw and under his chin, gently pushing until Martin looked up and met his eyes. "__Martin," he said patiently. "Of course I will. I would love to go with you."_

_Martin was absently running his fingers over Danny's shoulder, his eyes flitting around nervously. He stilled and sucked in a deep breath when Danny shifted closer, grasping Martin's hand in his own and bringing his fingers to his lips. As he released his fingers, he slid his arm around Martin's waist and pulled him into his arms._

"_My dad will be there," Martin said softly, eyes downcast now._

_Danny kissed him, smiling against his lips and whispering his name. When they broke apart, Danny sighed and laid his forehead against Martin's. "If you're not ready for this, I'll understand. You've proved your willingness to be with me Martin, you don't have to--"_

"_I want to Danny. I want you to meet him. I'm just...I'm afraid of what he'll say to you. Or how he'll act..."_

"_You can't control how he acts Martin, and if he acts badly...that's not something you have to apologize for."_

_Martin looked at him for a long while before nodding. When Danny smiled, Martin snuggled closer and buried his face against Danny's neck, pressing his lips to his skin. Danny could feel Martin smile against him and he sighed happily and tightened his arms around him._

"Martin," Danny called. When he got no response, he reached out and squeezed the other man's shoulder. "Martin," he said again, more firmly. "Hey...it'll be okay," he assured him, pulling his hand to his lips to kiss the back of his hand. Danny watched his blue eyes change from nervous to courageous after a few moments. Their connection still amazed him, the strength and intensity between them.

Martin squeezed his hand and smiled. It was only a few moments later that they stopped in front of the restaurant. Martin paid for the cab and they got out, walking slowly over the sidewalk and into the lobby. Before they went any further, Martin reached out and grasped Danny's wrist, stopping them both. Danny looked at him curiously and was struck by the emotion in Martin's eyes.

"I love you Danny," he murmured, eyes shining brightly.

Danny smiled back happily and blushed slightly, warming to the sound of Martin's gentle laughter. "I love you too," he replied in a soft voice, struggling to keep his voice from shaking. It was still startling to him at times when Martin said or did something that he would have been so unwilling to do in the past. Something simple like holding hands or something bolder, like now, when he had murmured his love in the middle of a restaurant lobby.

For a very long time, it was something he had been reluctant to allow himself to hope for. While their relationship had been filled with many strengths, it had always lacked the simplest and most important issue of trust. But it was so different now, and sometimes Danny still had trouble believing that any of it was real. But then Martin would smile at him. And the rest of the world would melt away.

Fin


End file.
